I saw my family today. First time since like October. It was okay, I suppose. I couldn’t get onto my brother’s internet using my laptop so I went onto my phone and just did things but I was/am tired, I keep getting headaches and so I was irritable and I am offically going into mixed because my dad could tell I wasn’t as depressed anymore as I had a little more energy. So I couldn’t go on the internet, my older brother took my seat and my uncle fucking triggered flashbacks so I was not sitting in the sitting room. Then in the kitchen was my aunt and dad so I stayed there but yawn, taxes and cars and insurance and the news and I was bored and tired but here’s what really ticked me off. My family don’t know I have bipolar disorder so I don’t expect a lot of understanding and I don’t tell them because they’d get too involved; well my aunt would. But I don’t like my irritability passed off as “teenage behaviour” by my aunt when it’s obvious I’m swaying side to side, my eyes are closing, it’s hot outside and I’m shivering and my head aches that my irritability was not normal teenage behaviour. I told them it was because I was so tired which is the truth but it was more the mixed thing too.
Then my uncle comes in when they’re about to leave and pretends to punch me again. I fought back every urge to punch him in the face which I know everyone except my aunt and uncle would enjoy. Pretending to punch me is a trigger. Surprisingly, punching me in the arm whilst it hurts is rarely a trigger but doing what my uncle was doing pisses me off. Everyone let’s him off saying “oh he doesn’t know how to deal with children” ok w/e but he does know how to deal with humans, right? Like humans. I mean he’s married so obviously he has a little experience with people otherwise how the fuck did he get married? You don’t pretend to punch a human, forget triggering people but it’s rude. But then they left and all was right.
I know it sounds mean but my uncle is one of those people who get under people’s skin and just is very irritating so no one in the family except my aunt likes him. Mean, yes. But you’ve never met the guy.
My older brother, the middle of the eldest. – AB did some gambling on horses and he didn’t win despite the fact he had like 4 bets on 4 horses in one race and it was just funny to see the guys falling off and some of the horses he bet on not placing. All the boys were intrigued, my dad stood up to watch over the chairs and I just lay down nursing my headache and tiredness.
My brother – TB gave me and ALB (my younger brother) £50 each for last Christmas and Easter, so it was good but it’s unfortunate to get it now because I ordered:
Expensive yes but a lovely distraction but it won’t arrive before school starts and tonight is my last night of not caring about timing and bed times but I am tired but unsure of what to do in terms of bed. My dad has started going bed at 11pm contray to the time he used to go to bed of 8pm and my younger brother going to bed at 3-4am contray to his usual midnight bedtime. I mean older people need less sleep and my dad can get up later so hence the later bed time, my brother it possibly is just a combination of holidays and puberty making him go to bed late but it throws me off as with my bed time. I mean it’s worse now that I’m risking paranoia. I mean now I can look back on the nights holding a knife and thinking someone was going to hurt me as paranoia but in that state of paranoia you feel like the sanest person and so you don’t deem your actions as crazy until later but that’s the curse of being bipolar. Hindsight. In the moment we commit the action we think it’s right but we look back and just realise how crazy it was if we had just paused to look at ourselves.
Also, I have done 0 revision. None whatsoever. My brother was asking me questions on history and I did not know a thing; ah, the confidence booast of the pop quiz. I should revise but everytime I look at the books I just feel guilty about how much time I spent off school, how much I missed, how I can’t remember anything because my memory is shot and then I just think “life is too short to be looking at this bullshit” – ah, great attitude. I mean the only ones I really need is English, Science and maths to get to A levels where I’ll do better. But I just feel crappy knowing I’ll fail.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, my dad has mild hypoglacemia which is a low blood sugar thing. He’s gone on a diet which is stupid. He’s not unhealthy and he’s not ‘fat’ (not that I believe anyone is) but he’s not. So he doesn’t eat except at meals and so a few days ago he started getting shaky, pale, faintness, light-headed and mild hypoglacemia isn’t easy to diagnose as they check your blood sugar levels but if it’s mild and you’ve eaten before going to the doctors there can be no signs but I told the doctor and she said it sounded like hypoglacemia so she took a blood test and put it on this paper thing and said it was a little low and we went through if my dad had eaten and she was like “mild hypoglacemia” so I researched and found a cause can be alcohol use. He doesn’t drink it so much now but he used to and going almost cold turkey has got to take a toll on the body. So I told my dad if he wants to continue with this ridiculous diet, he can but he’s got to eat an apple every two hours (or any kind of food). But just eat every two hours.
I’ll write tomorrow about how I’m feeling about going back to school.