Happy Good Friday.
I’ve been depressed all day and it just intensifies when I think of the patients back at the unit. I feel so guilty. But I don’t have any reason to feel guilty. It’s not my fault that place made me worse and it’s not my fault I’m not good around people and logically I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do and that’s the problem with depression, it’s illogical. Just like mania is illogical. Just like pretty much a lot of mental illness act illogically.
I told three people I was going into the unit, aside from you guys, internet friends and family. I mean real life friends. I told 3.
1st reaction: “I’m so glad your out.” *insert thanks from me here* then he starts talking about his own life and promises to text me when he’s done with some parkour event thing. He never did.2nd reaction: I was asked what happened and on that basis she said it was good I was out. A few more questions about what happened and how I’m feeling and then end of conversation.
3rd reaction: “I’m not glad your out” then we have an argument about why she always has to look at the negatives before hearing the whole story and how she always has to make my problems about her. Thanks, that’s what I need.
I mean, I’m pretty sure none of them care really. It’s more just interest in the drama or fun to compare who has the worst life. I don’t compare; what’s the point?
You’d think after the number of times I’ve been let down I would be used to it but I’m not. Each let down is a surprise and still hurts. I don’t like talking to people anymore because I have yet to meet a single person who hasn’t yelled at me for something that didn’t deserve being yelled at for or someone who hasn’t ignored, fobbed me off or let me down and the realization of that just turns me bitter to people. I’ve just stopped making the effort of talking to people because what’s the point? If I wanted to feel worse about myself I’d just listen to the negative voices I get but I ignore them because I’m told to but I ignore real people i’m a horrible person? Okay… EXPLAIN SOCIAL INTERACTIONS TO ME PLS!
I missed my older brother’s birthday and really don’t know whether writing “happy belated birthday” on his facebook wall is suffice enough without explaining. But i was let out for my nephew’s birthday but he’s like 29-30 now so almost twice my age with a baby so I managed to wish him happy birthday. There are a lot of birthday’s I need to remember in March and it just makes me wonder… WTF is it about June that makes everyone want to procreate? People… there is no specific stereotype for humans that you all have to give birth in spring. That’s for sheep who have lambs. Not humans.
I’ve been getting chest pains and just chest pains and I don’t know whether it’s the diazepam or the smoking or the anxiety but I have pains and I won’t be able to see a doctor until next Wednesday anyway as everyone seems to think they’ll die over the holidays so there is a rush of appointments on Tuesday after holidays. Or Monday. I don’t know when they’re open. But still probably Wednesday and I’m not in the mood to go to my GP so I have to see someone else but who? Then I just have to repeat the story again and what’s the point in that because then I’ll have to worry about their reaction and all that and it’s just not worth it in the end. If it’s serious, it’ll cause serious problems and I’ll be rushed to hospital. If it’s not, it will go on it’s own. Either way, it will sort.
Yes, I’m back with my throughly depressing blog, cyanism and borderline humour.
Bet you all missed me.
Also, let’s all take a moment to remember Richard Griffiths who died today…
R.I.P. Richard Griffiths (1947-2013)
We will truly miss you. Thank you.