What am I doing on my last night?

Well I’ve been stuck in a vicious circle. I got anxious, so I smoked, but that makes me relax but gives me a migraine and makes me tired and makes my vision blurry, well the migraine does so I can’t read which is what I want to do which is ironic because really I should be listening to music, watching TV, doing all the stuff I won’t be allowed to do once there but no, I am reading a book I know is going to make me cry.

I’m going to have a hot chocolate as that’ll perk me up. I’m just checking my room, I have to make a pile of revision books for my dad to bring when I’m ready to deal with them. I also want to clean my room so I don’t come back to a mess.

I also know I’m going to get homesick and usually when I get homesick I cry on the first night whilst there and then either have bonded with people so I feel better or just over it but I feel like instead I might lose my temper if I don’t make a friend or just someone. So maybe a room mate is best just to keep me in check. I’m actually dreading going, ugh… is it too late to back out? I hate being away from home. I hate not being able to do the things I want to do. I also read that they keep your door open at night. I don’t like that either. I definitely won’t sleep with that. Also, another question. How do they deal with the insomiacs? I mean do they medicate us? Do they let us walk around? Because I won’t sleep. I’ll just get all bitchy if they try and make me.

Okay, so this is obviously not going to be a good experience for me.

Also let me tell you something. So i told people (close friends who would probably wonder why I’m not messaging through the course of the week/s) most people were like “i love you, take care, message me when you get out, just get better” – you know the usual. But one girl, she couldn’t just say that. She had to ask questions about saying how I’d withdrawn and asking whether I’d done this and then to top it off making me feel even more anxious and she’s selfish in that way because she likes to make me worry to give her power which is why she gets pissed off when I answer like they don’t bother me. I mean she’s probably the worst person ever to talk to.

But okay, so I can’t promise I’ll check any comments. I probably won’t because I’m leaving my phone at home and chances are I’ll fall asleep at 7am, wake at 8am to leave at 9am and be too tired to check anything.

Anyway, night.


4 thoughts on “What am I doing on my last night?

  1. You may not get this in time … and might not be able to check whlilst away. But when you get back you can see this if you miss it this morn.


    I will be thinking of you ok. In my head right now I am thinking, “send good karma thoughts to Munchkin” …. I am thinking that for you.

    Huuggss again…and we will see you when you get back.

  2. I once ha a “friend” “listen” as I explained my diagnosis, then very helpfully suggest “Well, now you know what’s wrong, why don’t you just snap out of it?” Hmm, sometimes people are just idiots. Take care, people WILL be thinking of you, but please just take that for comfort’s sake. Your only obligation is to yourself right now, everyone else can wait. xo

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