Let me summarise my day.

After I tried to commit suicide on Sunday, I went doctors and she said that everything was fine and to go to my regular GP (he wasn’t in that day, which is fair enough, I’m not demanding) and so I saw him today. He actually had the results of the blood test that was supposed to take 10 days – but I found that awesome. Anyway, everything was fine except my stress hormone was exceptionally high, the highest my doctor has ever seen on someone my age and there is indeed no way of getting it down but luckily that doesn’t affect the antipsychcotics I’m going to be put on. Which by the way on my file says I’m already on. I’m not on them so somewhere along the line someone fucked up communication.
So my doctor said that best course was to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Now he said the plan was that he call someone at CAMHS to come down to A&E (accident and emergency like an ER) and assess me but we had to wait for a call from the CAMHS person whose sort of like a social worker. We waited. She rang. I argued with he because she was fobbing me off with some “support in the evenings” bullshit. My evenings are busy. My dad can’t see in the dark. I have homework and revision to do. I need a one time quick fix not evenings are bullshit with pricks. So I hung up. She rang back but talked to my dad and said she’d talk to my psychiatrist and see what he thinks. I threw a temper tantrum saying how I’ve been abused, abandoned, I’ve raised a child (my brother) when I was still only a child and she has the audacity to imply I don’t know what’s right for me anyway. I calmed down and we went on a drive.
An hour or so later she calls back saying my psychiatrist would rather see me at 12:30pm tomorrow. I told my dad I refused to go. Then I said I was withdrawing from treatment. Then I made a compromise I will go to the appointment if he buys me this book but there is a 95% chance I will tell them I am withdrawing from treatment and that’s where I am at. My dad isn’t happy. He doesn’t want me to do it. But he understands how the medical professionals have got me and why I am saying it but he hoped after I had slept it off. The diazepam is still making me sleepy if I get too over active so he thought if I slept it off I would change my mind but it hasn’t. So now I am pretty much planning from withdrawing myself from the mental health system and just let my illness pan out. Did I also mention that after telling me what to do my GP went home because he felt ill? See what I have to contend with.

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