Throughly confused.

Before I start on why I am confused let me tell you about a few things today:
1. I am still sleeping off the diazepam but it is wearing off due to when I fell asleep for about the 5th time today I had a nightmare.2. My friend LM told one of her friends about my suicide attempt and he gave me shisha, now as I’ve mentioned I tried it before and it wasn’t too bad and he did some research and found shisha:

“The inhaled substances trigger chemical reactions in nerve endings, this release of dopamine; which is associated with the feeling of pleasure”

So he thought that the next time I was depressed, I smoke it I feel better. It doesn’t make me happy just sort of relaxes me a little. So I only ever plan on smoking it when depressed and since I’ve smoked it I feel a bit better than I did when I woke up. But I’m not smoking anymore tonight because if I smoke too much I have a feeling it could trigger mania which brings me onto my next thing.

Doctors tomorrow. My question is why? Why on earth am I going to the doctors tomorrow? I mean I tried to commit suicide but the diazepam is out of my body almost – maybe got like 30% left hence the fact I want to sleep and am very tired. What’s he going to say? Well you’re physically healthy – great, thanks. That goes at number 2 on my list of the most obvious things, right behind the sky is blue. Do you feel like doing it again? Well not straight away. Gotta give it time, baby. I like to give everyone the element of surprise. Did you call your psychiatrist? No, wanna know why? Because you need a fucking genie to grant you a wish to get through to him. What would be the fucking point? [Side note: my water bottle is empty and I’m annoyed about that]

So I suppose my overall question is (and I will give a gold star to anyone who can figure it out): Why am I seeing my GP on Thursday? Why? What is the benefit of me doing so? Will I end up in a psychiatric hospital? Will I end up annoyed? (btw the answer to that is yes as I always end up annoyed) Just basically here’s my two parter question for that almighty gold star: why the hell am I going to see my GP four days later? What do you think the outcome will be?


16 thoughts on “Throughly confused.

  1. If I answer correctly tomorrow can I have the gold star? 😉

    well I will take a guess.

    so what do I think will happen?

    Your doctor is going to check you over, to be sure there are no reactions/effects to be concerned about. Talk to you about how you feel. I would suspect depending on how you react and answer will determine the answer to your second question. You have already shown what is considered a “life affirming” action by checking for long lasting damage, which will perhaps influence things. Have you recovered from your mind set, are you a danger to yourself. I suspect you will be sent home and your pdoc notified.

    But Munchkin, we have talked about this a lot. If you think things will go faster by being admitted, tell him this too. If your mind is still dancing in the dark, please tell him this. I know you are on the edge and I am still worried because I care. Please be honest with him. You haven’t spoken poorly of him, so I suspect you get along fairly well with him. 🙂

    *big hugs*

  2. Adds a hug in for support. Gold star, no gold star … I am wondering what will happen … if you will say something. And I see your conversation with Amber…and that you are going to see him…and that is at least something.

  3. I felt similarly last time I went to my GP. I had no idea why I was going. Just super depressed, self harming and not sleeping. He asked me what I wanted to achieve by going there, because as soon as I went in to the appointment I froze – couldn’t talk. He figured I was depressed and talked to me about it. I eventually told him I was self harming (he’s good at getting me to open up). However, all he did was tell me to go see my psychologist and to go back to GP in two weeks. That was probably a month ago. I’ve done neither.
    But, I still remember what he said – What did you want to achieve by coming here? If I’d thought that through, he would’ve been able to help me better. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, figure out what YOU want to achieve by going there, not what the doctor might potentially ask. Good luck. x

    • It’s so amazing he got you to open up and I’m so glad you have a doctor you can trust as you can see my doctor is useless.

      I understand why you did that, what was your psychologist like?

      I wanted to achieve help. I didn’t get it. But thank you for your comment, I really appreciate the advice and support.

      • I haven’t seen my psychologist since late October last year… I just can’t make myself call her to make an appointment. But yeah.

        It’s so disappointing that your doctor is like this. I’ve read your other entries as well, it’s awful how they’re messing you around with this – after you went and asked for help. It’s no wonder so many people have mental health issues.

        I hope you’re doing alright, in the circumstances. X

        • I understand that, I mean when you’re ready to get better. You’ll call her. You know yourself better than anyone.

          Exactly, this is the problem. I mean yes, everyone is fully aware how underfunded the mental health services are but the professionals don’t even use the services they have got right. It’s irritating.

          I’m okay now. All calmed down. No more temper tantrums 😛

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