Last I attempted suicide. Extend time in 9 monhs. So the obvious thing is why? Well It wasn’t my dad’s fault. The argument was just like a push to the feelings and voices again. I mean usually I can handle the voices pretty well even if they are derogotory but it was just last night. I’ve been in a bad place for a while, flashbacks and not just ones in my head. I mean feeling the sensation again and then the depression and the voices and not being helped medically and the constantly cycling and the difficulties I find in class and just feeling like there is no escape. So I wrote a suicide note, took roughly 112mg of diazepam (which I found out later isn’t enough to fucking kill you ffs), slept. Woke up – balance was lost, slurred speech, falling asleep, not being woke easily (my brother even thought that I was dead) and my dad knew and said I was staying home but then when I said I was going to make hot chocolate, my brother told my dad and they made me come home.
Anyway in a sort of drug stupor haze I told my dad that it was indeed a suicide attempt and it all came out. The sexual assualt, the self harming – I even gave him my razor, we had a discussion about my moods and he understand why I did what I did even though he didn’t agree. Side note: I think he’s planning on murder either my mother or the guy who did it so… If one of my posts is ever my dad got arrested, you’ll know why…
Worried about an internal damage we went to the doctor and not my good doctor, my normal doctor some idiot doctor and why do I think she’s an idiot? I told her I tried to kill myself and she said I had to wait UNTIL Thursday morning to see my usual GP. I’m not up to date with everything but wouldn’t most people send you to a psychiatrist at a hospital or something just because people try suicide again. They do. I’m not angling for a hospital treatment but omfg! Does she really know my ‘I can hardly stay awake, keep rocking in and out of sleep’ brain is no longer suicidal? No. So in my opinion any responsible person would send me to suicide watch or ‘casuality’ as she called it (which by the way no one calls it in England it’s accident and emergency or A&E) but she didn’t and I wonder why? Also she asked my dad “have you found the evidence?” like I was lying, if you want to see two boxed with 4 empty pill sachet things I will come to your office right now and show you.
But as for long term effects, diazpam effects your respirtory system and my lungs and stuff are fine. So no long term damage but it’s been over 18 months since my bipolar disorder actually picked up the pace on getting worse. December 2011 – insomnia increased severity of mood swings, August 2012 – suicide attempt, March 17 – suicide attempt. If suffering in hell doesn’t want to make you want to kill yourself then I don’t know what will.
I’m feeling better after telling my dad, still wildly depressed but I feel better letting my dad know. It just feels like a weight has been lifted off.
Also the only treatment that doctor gave me was to ‘sleep it off’ – why thank you, I never would have thought of that. Now my dad wants to get rid of pills and razors which is exactly why I didn’t want to tell him in the first place.