The good news first:
I got my GCSE results for the exams I took in January.
English Literature: A
English Language: Unit 1 – A
Unit 2 – C
Overall Language grade: A
I got an A overall!
Science Exam: C
Science Coursework: B
Overall grade for additonal science at the moment: B
Seriously. That’s amazing. I need a B to do biology A level and all I need is two B’s on my next two exams. English language is finished and I’ve come out with an A. I was shocked at my grades. Like I talked to similar and better ability people than me and they got like a D and a C. Yes I did get a C but a high C and my overall is an A so it’s good and so I have no extra resits. I just have to revise very well for the subjects.
Other bit of good news, finger is a lot better, it hurts where I cut it but that’s all. So either it’s moved or it’s gone. Either way it’s not irritating me now so I’m glad.
My dad also talked to the head of year 11 about my grades and he said I should write to the exam board and give them a list of target grades and grades I’m currently getting and send it but at the moment, maths seems to be the likeliest one. I think I’ll put a lot of the other subjects down, just to be safe.
I’m still depressed, nothing has changed there. Depression is hard, it gets harder and I just have to stay aware of that. I mean it’s difficult now and it will get harder and whilst ending my own life seems so fucking preferable to living like this. I remind myself I can’t and shouldn’t even try or think about it. But it’s so tempting, it’s like when you’re dieting for the summer. The piece of chocolate cake is there and you want it but you also want to look good in your bathing suit. So you try and trick yourself into thinking you’ll be fine, the deliciousness of the cake outweighs your diet plan but you know it’s a lie so you have a choice… eat it or leave it. People with strong will power will leave it, saying that they’d rather delay gratification. Others would eat it. I’d say I wanna be the one not eating the cake but I feel so dangerously close to eating it that I can taste the chocolate.
It reminds me of this quote by Suzzanne Massie:
Evil is near. Sometimes late at night the air grows strongly clammy and cold around me. I feel it brushing me. All that the Devil asks me is aquiescence not struggle, not conflict. Aquiescence
But I don’t want aquiescence, maybe protest. I’d protest. But it’s not realistic. I’ll regret it the moment I do it and so I’ll fight. For the moment, I’ll fight. But it’s so freaking tough. I don’t know what to do. It’s like my dad doesn’t understand and wouldn’t do anything anyway. JLS really just doesn’t care about anything but herself. SK has her own problems (and i mean legitamate problems) which I don’t want to add to. My doctor is a fucking patronizing fucking and is probably sick of seeing me and to get through to a psychiatrist you have to find a lamp, call a genie and use one of your three wishes to get through to him and then it’s only if you’re lucky. Plus my dad has a problem with his eye where the pupil is out of line permantely in the top right hand corner and his vision is blurry and I don’t wanna add to that either because eye sight> suicidal feelings.
Maths in a blog. Not practising for maths test, was planning to but they put a bunch of stuff in the maths test on Wednesday that we did at the beginning of year 10 and no one revised that because there’s no use. We thought it was going to be trigonometry and shapes and perimeters and stuff but there was algerbra in terms of graphs and everyone was looking at eachother in the mock trial exam like “im sorry when did this even happen?” but of course none of us knows, they just threw it in to fuck with us.
I do also have a history test I missed last week so I should revise but it’s midnight and I don’t know what I want to do. I want to read the Saint Jude which I’ve been saying for weeks, I might read the first chapter. If it’s boring or I just can’t I’ll revise history a bit and then attempt sleep and then revise some more. My usual revision time goes like this.
Go on internet
look at book
Rinse and repeat for next subject.
The Effect of PTSD Among People with Bipolar Disorder
Having PTSD along with bipolar disorder can have a major negative impact on your life. People with PTSD and bipolar disorder appear to have more problems across a number of different areas in their lives. For example, PTSD has been found to reduce quality of life among people with bipolar disorder. It has also been found to make the bipolar disorder worsen, resulting in more rapid cycling and increased risk for suicide attempts. Finally, PTSD has also been found to be associated with greater levels of depression among people with bipolar disorder.
I found this whilst searching for flashback help, just because I refuse to go through the whole flashback cycle for the third-fourth depressive period whilst awake. It’s just tiring.
To end on a positive note, I’ve sorted out my social life *cheers* by bringing back my lack of one.