It’s near the middle of March and there was a blizzard here today. It got worse from those pictures. It’s spring, people. There should be flowers blossoming and cool breezes, not snow. hey, don’t get me wrong. I love snow. It’s only when I have to go places I don’t like I don’t want snow because for example school, everyone walks through it. At least twice. Once to school and once back and that’s not including the public and by that time, the ice has hardened together and becomes a death trap so you face dying everytime you walk on it.
So, turns out not depressed. Mixed episode. I’m so confused as to where the hell in my cycle I am, I feel like crying. I mean I was hypomanic with depressed thoughts and then depressed with energy making me angry and obviously my dad never helps and it’s just so difficult. I feel like giving up and I don’t mean commiting suicide. I just mean saying “fuck this” and do whatever I want with my life and forget the future but I’d regret that attitude after a while so it’s best not to turn to complete withdrawal just yet. Maybe later. Maybe in the holidays I’ll have one day where the World will just go away and I won’t have an responsibility except to stay alive and that sounds pretty awesome to me.
I was hoping to be on time for school today but the snow meant everyone was driving at 5mph and so I was 20minutes late which is basically brilliant for tomorrow when I have to go to school and listen to my teacher moan about that and talk about ‘post 16 choices’ whatever that is.
I also realised that cutting your ankles when you have to walk on them all day is stupid because it hurt all day so I think the top of my arm is best. But that’s the last thing I’ll say on the matter because it’s depressing and as much as I feel like crap today, I feel oddly optimistic. I think the best way to describe how I’m feeling right now is with the title of a Paramore song “for a pessimist, I’m pretty optimistic” which is good, right? I think it’s because I’ve been watching VlogBrothers and obsessing way way too much about John Green and the problem with mixed episodes is that implusivity still plays a factor. So whilst I want to finish reading Progress and write out my notes for that and possibly revise for my RE trial tomorrow. All my brain is thinking “omfg John Green”. Which is probably okay. I’m not obsessed to the point where I might kill someone to do something John Green related and if you don’t know who I’m talking about I am literally very annoyed right now but all I’ll say is read “The Fault in Our Stars” and then after you’ve done crying come back and realise why I may just be obsessed, okay? Okay. < You will also get that reference after you’ve read it.
But yes, I suppose it’s really just a distraction. I’m feeling guilty. It’s sort of a long teenage angst story (oh yes, that is completely different to your usual blog posts, Paris) but basically JLS has this new boy called RH and at first I didn’t know him, never spoke to him and so I didn’t really care what happened because as long as JLS didn’t get hurt it didn’t effect me. But then through a joke I met him and he was actually pretty cool so we made friends and I promised I’d help him ‘get her’ and that was going well but then today whilst hypomanic and more focusing on myself I inadvertedly made JLS want to break up with him which despite common theories, I do actually care and so I realised that I could lose a friend whose actually pretty cool because I don’t have a filter when mania in the dominant mood, ever. So I felt guilty when I got home and then arguments with my dad and then a rest and then dinner and then starting to write this blog but sort of stopping due to emails and messages and videos and obsessions and now I’m just tired but I’m going to start reading soon so that’s okay.