What mood? hmm…

I didn’t feel nauseous today. I did yesterday and the day before so that lends a bit of credit to the fact those pills are nearly out of my system. Which is good. I have RE homework still to do and I was going to get up out of bed and do it earlish but I laid down to sleep at 7am, woke up at 10am and between the nightmare, the voices, my lack of energy and anxiety I just thought I’ll do it tonight instead of sleeping.

As for what mood, I’d say depressed probably. Which sucks because it means I’ve entirely bypassed hypomania and mania which as debilitating as it is and as much as I lack self awareness, I feel good and I think I deserve some of that. But I have literally no idea how these chemicals of mind even work so whatever, they can run riot.

I had to go out though even though I didn’t want to because I needed some foundation make up but not for my face because I don’t wear make up except the odd lipgloss, mascara and eye liner. But mainly because I’m allergic to a lot of make up that goes onto my skin as well as face wash products. But I need the foundation for my wrist because if I have a blood test I have to cover it up the scars because I can’t be bothered to deal with the drama if the blood test lady said anything which is when I realised I have done the stupidest thing. I’ve gotten addicted. I actually stood in the bathroom cutting the other obvious places I knew (hips, ankle, top of my arm, thigh) for a new, less visible place. I wonder when I’ll get the more common addiction of drugs and alcohol since I’ve been addicted to just about everything else. /rant

The lucky thing is I have Monday at school, Tuesday off except for a trial exam and a meeting with my form tutor which everyone has but ohhh, how i look forward to her bitching about just about everything I do. My withdrawn attitude, my lateness, my overall attitude towards anything she says and maybe if I’m lucky my eye rolling *crosses fingers*

BY THE WAY! She is pregnant my form tutor. She’s been pregnant since September and I noticed it in fucking November. so everyone who said I was wrong. HA! A plague on all your houses. That’s right. I just went Shakespearean on you (btw I know it’s both your houses but there were more than two people).

I also should be hearing from the bipolar and psychosis specialist this week but I don’t want her at my house. I don’t like people at my house which is why I don’t invite people over, which is why my brother and dad rarely have people over because I can freak out if people are there. I don’t know what it is but I don’t like people in my house ever. I freak out about that, being locked in rooms that I didn’t lock or being locked in, I freak out. Probably only one of them is a reasonable thing to freak out about.

But yes, depression and if that’s going to be a month so shall we say meet back here on April 7th and I’ll be in a mixed episode. I also have to go to my brother’s house on the 1st of April or 7th… I can’t remember which is neither here nor there but just thought I’d throw that in. But if you’re interested in what I’ll be doing tonight. Well it goes something like this: watch something (not sure what yet), listen to music, dad goes to bed, start re work whilst listening to music, 5am comes and I still haven’t finished but I give up because I’m tired but I don’t fall asleep because it takes me over an hour to fall asleep and then I wake up and panic because I didn’t finish my RE work but go to school anyway because I can’t just avoid every bad situation or perceived bad situation in my life.

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12 thoughts on “What mood? hmm…

  1. I just wanted to say, things can get better. I know it seems like you’re completely at the mercy of your brain and it’s unpredictable chemicals, but things can and WILL improve. I can totally sympathise with wanting to cover up scars, but I’ve learnt not to worry too much about what other people think of them. Personally, I find it funny to watch people’s faces when I tell them how I got them. That’s maybe cruel, but you’ve got to get your kicks somewhere, don’t you?
    I also sympathise because I know how addictive self-harming can become. But, again, you CAN get better. I self-harmed every day/night for over two years at my worst. Now, I can proudly say that it’s exactly 2 years since I last hurt myself. i still feel as crap as ever sometimes, but I can deal with it in less destructive ways (overloading on chocolate doesn’t count as destructive, does it?).
    Learning about your condition and exactly how it affects you is the most important step, I’ve learnt. Because I understand what’s going on in my brain (BPD), I can accept that it’s not my fault and accept that my moods will yo-yo for no particular reason. I have my bad days and I choose to spend them hiding in bed. But I also tell myself that it WILL improve and that tomorrow is another day. Sometimes another day is also spent in bed because it didn’t improve. But, on the whole, after a lifetime of depression, I can now get on with having a life. I really believe the same is possible for you. Good luck and don’t ever give up.

    • I agree you’ve got to get your kicks somewhere and I actually think I would get them the same way by watching people but I think the small kick I would get from people’s faces changing when I tell them how won’t matter against the fact my ‘best friend’ will beat me up, my dad would be upset and I don’t know whether I want to load my brother with that stigma when he comes to my school.
      Of course overloading on chocolate is not destructive! Congratulations on beating self harm though. Seriously. That is amazing.
      That’s true but it’s difficult because I am not getting conclusive answers from anyone. My psychiatrist is not sure even though he keeps throwing bipolar at me, he won’t conclusively diagnose it and makes me seem like an idiot any time I say about it. I know that in a month, I’ll be manic and depression will seem like a hazy dream but it’s just the horribleness of going through it again. I won’t give up and thank you for the kind words. You’re such a nice person to do that for me 🙂 x

  2. soon munchkin. there will be some rough roads too, some bumpy ones, but things will happen soon now. the road to recovery, to get munchkin back.

    I was wondering about the blood tests and how you were going to be.
    nods to the addicted too, this one is harder. you have to decide when you can stop, when you are ready. It will be hard to do right now as you go through the roller coaster. You know I will help you though, when you are ready. not until. *hugs tight*

    • I know but it’s just so tiring and it’s not really ‘soon’ though is it? it’s a month to see the psychiatrist again just for him to try a new medication and he won’t even diagnose me.

      I don’t mind blood test but I had to hide the scars.
      I will stop when I’m ready which is probably when I start medication, whether it works or not. It just has to be a step in the right direction.

  3. Reads …

    *hugs* … because of the self harm … I wish the hugs were more addicting for you at the moment….I really do.

    Ok…will talk of other things though…when you wished a plague on other’s (or their houses anyway *snickers*) … I started to laugh. ‘A pox on you’ I would yell at them haha.

    As for tonight…well, your tonight is done…but did you watch Once Upon A Time?

    • I wish hugs were more addicting too:(

      Hahaa, I’m glad you laughed. I feel very Shakespearean tonight. I don’t know why.

      Once is not on in my country yet (at least I think it’s not) and I don’t think it’s on Sunday and if it is, it’s a few episodes behind. I watch it on the Internet but its not usually on the Internet until once has been done for a few hours but I will watch it after school tomorrow 🙂

      *hugs*

  4. *tries to do 3 things at once…or rather … reply to all 3 thoughts in 1 sentence*

    Giveth you a hugeth since Once Upon A Timeth is not on the tele in yonder country…err…country-eth.

    Uhmm…did that work?

    *smiles*

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