I didn’t feel nauseous today. I did yesterday and the day before so that lends a bit of credit to the fact those pills are nearly out of my system. Which is good. I have RE homework still to do and I was going to get up out of bed and do it earlish but I laid down to sleep at 7am, woke up at 10am and between the nightmare, the voices, my lack of energy and anxiety I just thought I’ll do it tonight instead of sleeping.
As for what mood, I’d say depressed probably. Which sucks because it means I’ve entirely bypassed hypomania and mania which as debilitating as it is and as much as I lack self awareness, I feel good and I think I deserve some of that. But I have literally no idea how these chemicals of mind even work so whatever, they can run riot.
I had to go out though even though I didn’t want to because I needed some foundation make up but not for my face because I don’t wear make up except the odd lipgloss, mascara and eye liner. But mainly because I’m allergic to a lot of make up that goes onto my skin as well as face wash products. But I need the foundation for my wrist because if I have a blood test I have to cover it up the scars because I can’t be bothered to deal with the drama if the blood test lady said anything which is when I realised I have done the stupidest thing. I’ve gotten addicted. I actually stood in the bathroom cutting the other obvious places I knew (hips, ankle, top of my arm, thigh) for a new, less visible place. I wonder when I’ll get the more common addiction of drugs and alcohol since I’ve been addicted to just about everything else. /rant
The lucky thing is I have Monday at school, Tuesday off except for a trial exam and a meeting with my form tutor which everyone has but ohhh, how i look forward to her bitching about just about everything I do. My withdrawn attitude, my lateness, my overall attitude towards anything she says and maybe if I’m lucky my eye rolling *crosses fingers*
BY THE WAY! She is pregnant my form tutor. She’s been pregnant since September and I noticed it in fucking November. so everyone who said I was wrong. HA! A plague on all your houses. That’s right. I just went Shakespearean on you (btw I know it’s both your houses but there were more than two people).
I also should be hearing from the bipolar and psychosis specialist this week but I don’t want her at my house. I don’t like people at my house which is why I don’t invite people over, which is why my brother and dad rarely have people over because I can freak out if people are there. I don’t know what it is but I don’t like people in my house ever. I freak out about that, being locked in rooms that I didn’t lock or being locked in, I freak out. Probably only one of them is a reasonable thing to freak out about.
But yes, depression and if that’s going to be a month so shall we say meet back here on April 7th and I’ll be in a mixed episode. I also have to go to my brother’s house on the 1st of April or 7th… I can’t remember which is neither here nor there but just thought I’d throw that in. But if you’re interested in what I’ll be doing tonight. Well it goes something like this: watch something (not sure what yet), listen to music, dad goes to bed, start re work whilst listening to music, 5am comes and I still haven’t finished but I give up because I’m tired but I don’t fall asleep because it takes me over an hour to fall asleep and then I wake up and panic because I didn’t finish my RE work but go to school anyway because I can’t just avoid every bad situation or perceived bad situation in my life.