Sorry for the rant you’re about to read.
It’s just, omfg.
I’m on sertraline which is also called zoloft and it makes me react to fucking mood triggers but also cycles me daily. So I’m on the border between hypomanic and manic and I can’t think straight as I have racing thoughts. I’m horny as fuck but if I do anything remotely sexual it triggers me to flashbacks which’ll make me depressed.
But I also have homework that’s in for tomorrow and I don’t even know if I’m going to school because I don’t feel well enough to and I know I’ll get on the higher end of mania before the end of the night and I hate going when I’m manic because I disturb other people’s education and that’s not fair on me or them. I have racing thoughts so I can’t even concentrate on homework right now. But I need to do it if I go.
I need to call my psychiatrist and tell him about zoloft but if I go manic, he’ll probably wanna put me in the psychiatric ward because he said he was going to if the bipolar and psychosis specialist couldn’t help well enough but if this med is making me bad, I’ll have to go. But my dad has a lot of work tomorrow because we need money. So it’ll be selfish to take him off that and the only compromise is I stay home from school and I do whatever my obsessive mind wants me to do and then I call the psychiatrist and be admitted to hospital most likely. Whilst he works.
But my thoughts are turning obsessive again. Sex and baking is beginning to take over and I’m not going to have sex because I can’t flashback. Not again. But I want to bake but it’s 11pm and my brother’s ill and my dad’s asleep and he’s ill too and I’ll hold off as long as I can but these thoughts will eventually drive me insane until I start baking and everything will relax but I can’t do anything but bitch until then because I am not a selfish person. I need them to sleep because I don’t. It’s like sleep by proxy. I just don’t know what to do so I’m stuck going insane for a few hours at least.
I love blogging but I have this need to be up and about but it’s just so annoying so I’m going to brush my teeth and probably do my hair even though my sprained wrist still hurts and my left wrist hurts because it’s not used to doing so much because it’s lazy and I’m going to look all pretty and bright because I feel like I wanna wear the brightest clothes, fuck anything that moves, drink my weight in alcohol (even though I’ve never had more than a shot of whiskey before), bake, tidy (not clean) and just move about but I’m trying to control it for a while. Just an hour or two. Brain. Let my family fucking sleep. They’re getting pretty tired of your shit.
I also have an ear thing which makes me dizzy and I keep getting bouts of dizziness. The only good thing going for me is that I have no headache and I took no medication to stop the zoloft headache.