Brutally honest bipolar rant.

Sorry for the rant you’re about to read.

It’s just, omfg.

I’m on sertraline which is also called zoloft and it makes me react to fucking mood triggers but also cycles me daily. So I’m on the border between hypomanic and manic and I can’t think straight as I have racing thoughts. I’m horny as fuck but if I do anything remotely sexual it triggers me to flashbacks which’ll make me depressed.

But I also have homework that’s in for tomorrow and I don’t even know if I’m going to school because I don’t feel well enough to and I know I’ll get on the higher end of mania before the end of the night and I hate going when I’m manic because I disturb other people’s education and that’s not fair on me or them. I have racing thoughts so I can’t even concentrate on homework right now. But I need to do it if I go.

I need to call my psychiatrist and tell him about zoloft but if I go manic, he’ll probably wanna put me in the psychiatric ward because he said he was going to if the bipolar and psychosis specialist couldn’t help well enough but if this med is making me bad, I’ll have to go. But my dad has a lot of work tomorrow because we need money. So it’ll be selfish to take him off that and the only compromise is I stay home from school and I do whatever my obsessive mind wants me to do and then I call the psychiatrist and be admitted to hospital most likely. Whilst he works.

But my thoughts are turning obsessive again. Sex and baking is beginning to take over and I’m not going to have sex because I can’t flashback. Not again. But I want to bake but it’s 11pm and my brother’s ill and my dad’s asleep and he’s ill too and I’ll hold off as long as I can but these thoughts will eventually drive me insane until I start baking and everything will relax but I can’t do anything but bitch until then because I am not a selfish person. I need them to sleep because I don’t. It’s like sleep by proxy. I just don’t know what to do so I’m stuck going insane for a few hours at least.

I love blogging but I have this need to be up and about but it’s just so annoying so I’m going to brush my teeth and probably do my hair even though my sprained wrist still hurts and my left wrist hurts because it’s not used to doing so much because it’s lazy and I’m going to look all pretty and bright because I feel like I wanna wear the brightest clothes, fuck anything that moves, drink my weight in alcohol (even though I’ve never had more than a shot of whiskey before), bake, tidy (not clean) and just move about but I’m trying to control it for a while. Just an hour or two. Brain. Let my family fucking sleep. They’re getting pretty tired of your shit.

I also have an ear thing which makes me dizzy and I keep getting bouts of dizziness. The only good thing going for me is that I have no headache and I took no medication to stop the zoloft headache.

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9 thoughts on “Brutally honest bipolar rant.

  1. I couldn’t read this without commenting… I feel for you, I really do. Hell, I wish I could experience the moist extreme symptoms/side effects for you so you can just get on with life (I’m a mum, I can’t help it). Hang in there hey? A lame thing to say I know, but what words of encouragement can a total stranger give someone who’s experiencing mania? BTW it sounds to me like you are one of the truly un-selfish people in the world, just thought I’d mention it. I’m waiting to read on, you seem like an extremely intelligent person and even during a “bipolar rant” as you call it 🙂 it sounds to me like you’re on the right track. Take care.

  2. Arrrrgg that work makes me miss these on the day you write them.

    As I read this I FEEL the ‘edginess’ of things. Has it passed? There are other blogs you have posted….

  3. Hey, I used to be you 🙂 Except life circumstances helped so I could just carry on like a hurricane through stuff whilst nobody was there long enough to get me to see counselling and get on me on drugs, or what have you. Not sure what’s best but, my two cents: I don’t know how old you are, but you mention school. If you’re old enough to do so, try imagining doing something completely different. you’re young, you can. Think of something you like, long enough, doesn’t matter if it changes if you think about it for more than a week, and try and do it. Take yourself somewhere, make your bipolar creativity work for you, not against you… ah but they are just empty words, I know, you don’t know me and I don’t you.
    But just be aware, things get better despite you :), and you just have to keep passing the open windows (If you haven’t read Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving, do so :)), and if you can, travel, go, do stuff, go to school where you choose, or work towards it, find a place where you can be more, not less.

    • No I like what you’ve said. Just sometimes it’s so hard because I can get so obsessed and what with racing thoughts it’s just so difficult especially when you haven’t found your talent or the thing that relaxes you. Once you’ce found that, you can continue with it. I mean that’s all I’m trying to do at the moment. Find one thing. Sometimes reading, sometimes my art quotes, sometimes beads and stuff. But you’re right and I’ll keep trying to work on it :). PS. Love what you’ve said and how you said it.

      I’m actually not allowed to travel due to the fact my dad likes to keep an eye. You know, so I don’t kill myself when depressed or manically spend lots of money.

      Also, I’m 16 and in college which is what America would say is high school.

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