Day Two

New Side effects: General feeling of unwellness.
Shivers.
Loss of appetite.
Continuance of side effects:
Headache
Nausea.
Tummy ache.

Known treatments: Headache = take a paracetmol.
Nausea = sit near a bucket.
Tummy ache = see nausea.
General feeling of unwellness = lie down.

Another side effect is triggers are more effective. I was hypomanic bordering mania which did and didn’t make sense. Usually mania isn’t so fast. Usually I would have a few days where hypomania and mixed episodes took equal turns running the show until mixed episode period fizzled out and I was left with a few days of hypomania slowly turning into mania and then mania, the mixed episode, depression. Yeah cycle complete and repeat. But mixed episode was bought to an abrupt stop and hypomania keeps drifting in the lines of mania. That happened and mania was bought on by triggers (which usually doesn’t happen). Bought a magazine, bought some sweets, with friends, just anything that bought me joy sent me manic.

Then, I got into an argument with someone and that sent me depressed. Now I don’t understand it. Why am I depressed now? I’m not supposed to be. I don’t usually react to triggers. Except in terms of stress and flashbacks. But moodwise. Rarely with triggers. I know it’s been two days. Antidepressants don’t work that fast but I can’t think of any other explanation why an argument sent me depressed when usually an argument in hypomania just asserts how much better I am than others because of my inflated self confidence and worth. Which itself can send me into mania. But now I’m sitting here, ill and depressed thinking: “if these pills are going to make me depressed. I don’t want them anymore.” I liked them because they skipped the anger and went to hypomania but I can’t be depressed when I’m supposed to be hypomanic or mania. No. I just, I can’t suffer needlessly at the hands of a synthetic pill.

I’m not entirely sure if I can trigger hypomania back. It’s like what they say “it’s easy to warm yourself up if it’s cold than cool yourself down when it’s hot” so it’s easy to be made sad when manic but hard to be made happy when depressed. I just hope for the sake of everything that I can make myself happy and maybe sleeping will reset everything and maybe taking the zoloft (yes I am now calling it by it’s trade name because sertraline is annoying to remember).

I went on a spending spree in tesco. Went in to buy some dinner (vegetable nuggets) and ended with several bags of different chocolate and sweets, a dvd, ice cream, two child magazines and a partridge in a pear tree. Then when I got home mania was still racing until I got into an argument due to my lack of filter when manic and boom, depressed.

Appropriate today, I think:

zoloft

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