Before I get onto mixed episodes. Can we all take a moment to appreciate how much hiccups suck? Please. Omg. I have been having hiccups on and off for the past two days and I would willingly kill someone to make this hell stop. I usually get rid of hiccups by holding my breath for 50 seconds. You’re only supposed to hold it for 30 seconds but I like to be sure those little mini tortures are gone. I have them now and I get to 25-27 seconds and I hiccup. It’s psychological torture. That is what it is.
Okay…I managed to get to 50 seconds…
Oh thank everyone. They are gone.
I think maybe if I sleep for a bit, they may go for a long time.
So back to the regularly scheduled programming. Good news and bad news.
Good news: Last day of actiwatch.
Bad news: Beginning of mixed episode.
I don’t like mixed episodes. I’m so full of rage. I should have known this was coming on. I felt less depressed and had more energy but negative energy and was irritable and snapping but it didn’t really click until my dad said his usual line when I’m in a mixed episode: “you’re always having a go at me” – exaggeration. I have a really big ‘go’ at him for a week and little arguments in the morning of depression or when I haven’t slept for two nights. But I really knew I was in one after my dad was drunk and said hurtful things and three different urges ran to me: 1. stab him. 2. punch the wall. 3. self harm. Since I think I’d probably regret stabbing him and punching the wall will damage my already fragile nerve hands. I went with self harm. Anxiety and anger built up like I was fuming. I lay down knowing if I was to get up, I’d go out there. Get blinded by anger and do something I’d regret and since my brother wasn’t there, no one would stop me and I’d have to live with that.
I was in the midst of having a panic attack but anger fuelled which is like my signiture mixed episode move. I don’t like them. I also don’t think it’s the best mood to go into a psychiatrists office with when you don’t like them. This period has a lot more triggers to anger. Irritability, I give to people unmotivated. But the anger has to be motivated. Mixed episodes are the less defined episodes of bipolar. There are no set symptoms. There are two catergories and you’re either one or the other.
I have homework and maths revision. But homework since it is due in tomorrow is the only thing I plan on doing tonight. My maths exam is not until Thursday. I already got a C and I know in my current state I am in no way capable of bumping that up so I am not particularly bothered about revising but I plan on doing so Monday, Tuesday and maybe Wednesday if I’m not too wound up.