Mixed episode beginning.

Before I get onto mixed episodes. Can we all take a moment to appreciate how much hiccups suck? Please. Omg. I have been having hiccups on and off for the past two days and I would willingly kill someone to make this hell stop. I usually get rid of hiccups by holding my breath for 50 seconds. You’re only supposed to hold it for 30 seconds but I like to be sure those little mini tortures are gone. I have them now and I get to 25-27 seconds and I hiccup. It’s psychological torture. That is what it is.
Okay…I managed to get to 50 seconds…
They’re gone.
Oh thank everyone. They are gone.
I think maybe if I sleep for a bit, they may go for a long time.

So back to the regularly scheduled programming. Good news and bad news.
Good news: Last day of actiwatch.
Bad news: Beginning of mixed episode.

I don’t like mixed episodes. I’m so full of rage. I should have known this was coming on. I felt less depressed and had more energy but negative energy and was irritable and snapping but it didn’t really click until my dad said his usual line when I’m in a mixed episode: “you’re always having a go at me” – exaggeration. I have a really big ‘go’ at him for a week and little arguments in the morning of depression or when I haven’t slept for two nights. But I really knew I was in one after my dad was drunk and said hurtful things and three different urges ran to me: 1. stab him. 2. punch the wall. 3. self harm. Since I think I’d probably regret stabbing him and punching the wall will damage my already fragile nerve hands. I went with self harm. Anxiety and anger built up like I was fuming. I lay down knowing if I was to get up, I’d go out there. Get blinded by anger and do something I’d regret and since my brother wasn’t there, no one would stop me and I’d have to live with that.

I was in the midst of having a panic attack but anger fuelled which is like my signiture mixed episode move. I don’t like them. I also don’t think it’s the best mood to go into a psychiatrists office with when you don’t like them. This period has a lot more triggers to anger. Irritability, I give to people unmotivated. But the anger has to be motivated. Mixed episodes are the less defined episodes of bipolar. There are no set symptoms. There are two catergories and you’re either one or the other.

I have homework and maths revision. But homework since it is due in tomorrow is the only thing I plan on doing tonight. My maths exam is not until Thursday. I already got a C and I know in my current state I am in no way capable of bumping that up so I am not particularly bothered about revising but I plan on doing so Monday, Tuesday and maybe Wednesday if I’m not too wound up.


20 thoughts on “Mixed episode beginning.

  1. Hang in there dear friend. Stab a pillow, stab a stuffed animal, stab a wall? Stab something inanimate. Hey here’s a potato, stab that!! Be kind to yourself please.
    Oh and i get those damn hiccups too for days sometimes off and on.

  2. Ahhh Munchkin … I am sorry about the state of mixed episode you are in…the self harm thing makes me sad Munchkin.

    Anyway….the hiccups….they ARE annoying aren’t they! I have heard that the holding your breath thing works similar to drinking water…it makes you hold your breath. On the other hand, I have also hear that hiccuping is a way to get more air into your lungs….so breathing MORE works too. i don’t know…it’s like listening to two competing diet plans!

    By the way, I am still pushing the math *smiles*….so you can’t bump up a C grade. I say tis not about the grade. Do the math *fake stern mom look*

    • I just read Amber’s blog on self harm…and rushed back here to see what I had said.

      I hope you understand that I am sad about the self harm because I care. I wish you to start feeling better and feeling like self harm is not needed at some point. But I do not know ways to help. I know I don’t fully understand. I do know I do not wish to make things worse though. So … if ever I mis speak something … or it sounds like I am being a dork about something, then know it is said in ignorance on my part…not in judgement *gentle smile*

      Anyway … *hugs you* … if you would rather me just read … so you know someone is reading/listening, then let me know that too ok.

      Katie O.

      • Oh, okay. Ignore my previous question about why are you sad. I am glad you care and I wasn’t offended or upset or anything. I knew it came from a caring place.

        I think I will someday get better and I’ve broken several other addictions myself so I can break this one. I just need to feel a little better first.
        I know you never mean offense by the things you say. I know it’s also a tough thing to understand and so I never get offended because what you say isn’t mean, it’s just comes from a lack of knowledge about that particular topic but I know you try and that means a lot.

        I like it when you comment. Keep commenting šŸ™‚

    • Why does it make you sad?

      It is. I mean, I think breathing too much would remind me of panic attacks and drinking water can give me hiccups. I don’t know why but if I drink too much plain water I get hiccups. But holding my breath is more convient. But I hate hiccups. I could rant about them for days.

      Haha, it is about the grade but I get where you’re coming from. AM going to revise Wednesday night.

  3. Thank you! I had totally forgotten about mixed episodes and you’ve just provided me with the answer I was looking for after an extremely confusing episode recently. I didn’t understand what was happening because it was different to what I’m used to, and I did some things that scared me. Now I understand what was going on…you’re very articulate in your description. Keep being gentle with yourself hey?

  4. mixed episodes suck Munchkin. oh hiccups.. there are two ways that work. one, and this is really weird, drink a glass of water.. but from the other side of the glass…. I am not teasing, it works though. the other way you could get your brother to help.. get him to scare you. he may like that.

    please add to your list 4) talk to Amber. but it can be any number on the list too. Please be careful. šŸ™‚ (oh that is me being medical Amber again)

    *big hugs*

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