Universe Signs

Do you ever feel like the universe sends you signs?
I think the universe does. Sometimes they’re subtle and sometimes they’re obvious. Today, a lot of my conversations revolved around mental illness. I didn’t even bring them up. In health SK started a conversation about the herion addict on the documentry we watched in RE. Basically this guy started on cannabis and it was his gateway drug to harder drugs and he got addicted to herion and it ruined his veins so he had to shoot up in his crotch and for the last two years of his life and herion addicted fight, he made videos recording it. So we were talking about how he kept saying he wanted help but didn’t go to rehab or that his parents didn’t encourage him to go to rehab and JK asked what rehab was so SK described it and she listed the things you go to rehab for: drugs, alcohol, self harm… yeah. See where the sign comes in now.

I actually didn’t know you could go to rehab about self harm, I thought it was more a psychatric hospitals area. But SK told me about how Demil Lovato went there. Then JLS started telling me how her family friend went to one when she was younger age 16-18 was the area of age and now she’s thirty years old and she hasn’t cut in a long time but the urge is always there and that her husband still monitors her and that when her child went into hospital she almost cut then.But the one line she said I’ll probably remember is: “If you cut once and enjoyed it, you’ll become addicted”.

The fact they bought up the subject allowed me to test the waters. I asked questions about what they thought about Demi Lovato self harming, I’d never tell JLS because on the times I thought about it she threatened to hit me when I edged at the idea I did it too. But after this conversation I thought: “well, thank you for that universe.”

I spend a lot of my life stuck in the past and today I was particularly stuck in the past. Flashbacks of the hell and mundane kind. My usual two flashbacks. Sex assault and the whole mother leaving us in a park this. As well as random flashbacks including going to the supermarket to buy a childs comic with the toys on the front and all my mother’s delusionally paranoid episodes. I was getting sick of past things.

To break up this depessed tone, I shall tell you a funnyish story. It’s also chronologically in order. At the end of my sociology test which didn’t feel it went as bad considering I didn’t revise. JLS and I were walking out and as customary for my Friday lessons, I moan about going to history just because of the creepy teacher. JLS was atesting he’s cute and I was arguing he’s creepy and Mr WD, the sociology teacher heard us and said “you two are always talking about boys, aren’t you?” I yelled (yelled because I was still leaving the classroom): “it’s not me, it’s her” and it is her because she loves talking about boys. But we were both so embarassed we were laughing when we left. Which is the first time I laughed all week.

Then a bunch of things happened and then I went home. I was sitting in the car, driving to a newsagent to buy the magazine I wanted. I actually wanted two but they only had one of them there. As we were driving my dad brings up a segment on this programe he watches. The segment was about anorexia. So my brother and dad discussed it. My brother said he doesn’t understand how someone could be anorexic. I explained that it wasn’t just about starving yourself. It’s because of many things from psychologically hating your body, it’s a form of self harm. I don’t think my brother understands self harm either. But still. I explained how I was anorexic for two years from age 10 to 12. Not telling him the reason why I was or anything. Luckily he didn’t ask.

I’m not the biggest believer in fate and such but I think today, the universe wanted me to look at myself and either feel good about recovering by myself from anorexia or feel bad that I self harm or maybe this was just the universe making me want to look at my past for some unknown reason. Considering the wide variety of flashbacks today, I’d say it was the latter. Making me look at my past for unknown reasons.

At this current moment, I am facing an annoying dilemma. I have to take an antibiotic every morning, afternoon and night. I had a dissociative episode last night and don’t remember whether I took it. I mean it doesn’t really matter now because I’ll be having my morning one soon. But it’s just another annoyance dissociative episodes cause me.


8 thoughts on “Universe Signs

  1. I often feel like the universe in sending me signs – whenever I get deja vu, I wonder if somehow a future version of me is telling me that there is something going on that I need to change or pay particular attention to

      • You didnt say what your classmates thought/said about self harm Munchkin. I am sure they have no understanding of it. Oh I have a graphic I saw on some blogs, Later today I will find it and email it to you.

        You did so well with beating anorexia. I am proud of you. 🙂

        You will beat this too.

        • Looking forward to the email.
          Sorry, I wrote that basically right after a dissociative episode and was just a little confused and trying to remember what I did.
          JK didn’t understand so she didn’t really comment.
          Two people on the table had earphones in and weren’t listening.
          SK was understanding. Like she knew what it was and I think she might understand if I told her.
          JLS understood Demi Lovato’s plight, like why she did it but once I edged at the subject (which is about once a month to see if she changed her mind but she hasn’t) that I do it to myself or that people I know do it she gets I don’t know the word, angered. Not angry. Not frustrated. Disappointed a little. I think that’s the best way I can describe it.

          I am glad too. I wish I had done it healthly. But I didn’t and the fact is I had been told I was anorexic and then never went to anyone for help because I thought they were lying and wrong (which is what I did when they said I was depressed). I mean I never really talk about my anorexia fight. I think I should write about it soon. I never talked about the fight with depression for two years before the break in depression. Should probably do that too. I think it’s because I’m not prepared to deal with it just yet. Which is okay. I need to overcome things at my own rate. But I need to let some things go. So maybe to sort of start the process of letting those things go I should write a blog about it.

          • Do it at your own speed, type out the post, if you think it is not the time, just save it as a draft or delete it. *hugs*

            self harm is not going to be understood by …hmmm 99% of people, eeeps, probably a bigger percentage. Even when they are with someone that has explained it. How can you explain all those mixed up feelings and thoughts? I am going to do another post on it soon, featuring that graphic I mentioned that I will send you. It is one that can be put on the side of your blog. I think it is a good thing. It is all part of understanding, removing the stigma. There should be no things that can’t be talked about. I feel so strongly that if all the stigma was gone ( can it happen? ) there would be less self harm, less need for it. There would be more support, more understanding, treatment would occur sooner.

            • I think that’s a good idea. I will do that when I find the time.

              That is very true, it is difficult to explain to people and even if someone explains it to them extremely well, they probably still won’t understand because they haven’t been there. Unless they’ve studied psychology is depth.
              I think we can lessen stigma. I mean, stigma about divorce, homosexuality, race, disability has all improved in the last ten years. I mean quite rapidly considering. When I was younger I used to get a little teased because of the fact I was an illegitmate child but there’s none of that now. I believe it can change. I just don’t know how to get rid of it. Divorce stigma went because everyone was doing it. Race and homosexuality because they were born that way and law and stuff. Disability because it’s physical and can be seen. Mental illness can’t be seen so in a lot of people’s eyes don’t exist.

  2. Oh….saw that you had a genuine laugh that day …. *smiles* … even if it was about creepy-cute teacher lol….well, I think you two were more laughing about your other teacher overhearing you talk about someone…but it was a laugh with a friend….and I know that must have felt good.

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