Do you ever feel like the universe sends you signs?
I think the universe does. Sometimes they’re subtle and sometimes they’re obvious. Today, a lot of my conversations revolved around mental illness. I didn’t even bring them up. In health SK started a conversation about the herion addict on the documentry we watched in RE. Basically this guy started on cannabis and it was his gateway drug to harder drugs and he got addicted to herion and it ruined his veins so he had to shoot up in his crotch and for the last two years of his life and herion addicted fight, he made videos recording it. So we were talking about how he kept saying he wanted help but didn’t go to rehab or that his parents didn’t encourage him to go to rehab and JK asked what rehab was so SK described it and she listed the things you go to rehab for: drugs, alcohol, self harm… yeah. See where the sign comes in now.
I actually didn’t know you could go to rehab about self harm, I thought it was more a psychatric hospitals area. But SK told me about how Demil Lovato went there. Then JLS started telling me how her family friend went to one when she was younger age 16-18 was the area of age and now she’s thirty years old and she hasn’t cut in a long time but the urge is always there and that her husband still monitors her and that when her child went into hospital she almost cut then.But the one line she said I’ll probably remember is: “If you cut once and enjoyed it, you’ll become addicted”.
The fact they bought up the subject allowed me to test the waters. I asked questions about what they thought about Demi Lovato self harming, I’d never tell JLS because on the times I thought about it she threatened to hit me when I edged at the idea I did it too. But after this conversation I thought: “well, thank you for that universe.”
I spend a lot of my life stuck in the past and today I was particularly stuck in the past. Flashbacks of the hell and mundane kind. My usual two flashbacks. Sex assault and the whole mother leaving us in a park this. As well as random flashbacks including going to the supermarket to buy a childs comic with the toys on the front and all my mother’s delusionally paranoid episodes. I was getting sick of past things.
To break up this depessed tone, I shall tell you a funnyish story. It’s also chronologically in order. At the end of my sociology test which didn’t feel it went as bad considering I didn’t revise. JLS and I were walking out and as customary for my Friday lessons, I moan about going to history just because of the creepy teacher. JLS was atesting he’s cute and I was arguing he’s creepy and Mr WD, the sociology teacher heard us and said “you two are always talking about boys, aren’t you?” I yelled (yelled because I was still leaving the classroom): “it’s not me, it’s her” and it is her because she loves talking about boys. But we were both so embarassed we were laughing when we left. Which is the first time I laughed all week.
Then a bunch of things happened and then I went home. I was sitting in the car, driving to a newsagent to buy the magazine I wanted. I actually wanted two but they only had one of them there. As we were driving my dad brings up a segment on this programe he watches. The segment was about anorexia. So my brother and dad discussed it. My brother said he doesn’t understand how someone could be anorexic. I explained that it wasn’t just about starving yourself. It’s because of many things from psychologically hating your body, it’s a form of self harm. I don’t think my brother understands self harm either. But still. I explained how I was anorexic for two years from age 10 to 12. Not telling him the reason why I was or anything. Luckily he didn’t ask.
I’m not the biggest believer in fate and such but I think today, the universe wanted me to look at myself and either feel good about recovering by myself from anorexia or feel bad that I self harm or maybe this was just the universe making me want to look at my past for some unknown reason. Considering the wide variety of flashbacks today, I’d say it was the latter. Making me look at my past for unknown reasons.
At this current moment, I am facing an annoying dilemma. I have to take an antibiotic every morning, afternoon and night. I had a dissociative episode last night and don’t remember whether I took it. I mean it doesn’t really matter now because I’ll be having my morning one soon. But it’s just another annoyance dissociative episodes cause me.