I had planned to go. Yup, I didn’t. But not for the usual reasons.
There was a whole school assembly this morning. If I went to school to even ask if I could be excused from the assembly I’d have to walk into the crowd which sort of defeats the purpose of asking to be excused so my dad agreed that I’d go in at 9am. So my dad needed milk so we went to a supermarket. My dizziness was already bad but then I started walking around and feeling ill again. Like sick. My doctor described what was happening as “my head thinks it’s moving but my eyes are saying something different”. We drove back to school but couldn’t find a place to park and my dad got a bit agitity and said: “you’re going to be late”. I said it didn’t matter as I had library and I had little interest in doing that because I hate being alone with my rotten thoughts. So we went back to the supermarket and the dizziness had been going on for a while and then I threw up… Yup, in a supermarket bathroom which is lovely. I was shaking, tired. I couldn’t go. So we went home. i helped out. Then I went to bed, had a nap. Woke up. Wasn’t dizzy. Sat up. Was dizzy. Laid down. Watched How I Met Your Mother.
I know. Facisnating life, right?I am a little bit annoyed at always being ill. With these annoying long terms things. Just once I’d love to be told “that infection will go in a week” rather than “that fluid in your ear upsetting your balance will be there for a month, could go sooner because you’re young. But we said that about your foot and that took 9 weeks instead of 6 weeks to heal.” – Don’t get me wrong.
I am not self pitying. I’m just annoyed, I think that’s the most appropriate word to use. Ill sucks. But depression weakens the immune system, so I’ve heard. So it makes sense that I’d have all this stuff.One of the more life ruining aspects of depression is the inability to think into the future. I think to myself “I should really do my homework”, “I should really throw that bottle [of water] away” but the ‘do it later’ and the ‘I have time’ or “it’s just one thing” excuses come in because that attitude continues and eventually I have 20 empty bottles of water to pick up which is just a large task that will take a lot of effort. The one sheet of homework I could have taken my time on, now has several extra pieces of homework which will be done in a mad dash Sunday night. The most I can plan for is a day. Usually it’s not even that. I usually end up doing work early morning several hours before it has to be handed in. This is life ruining because plans are never followed through. I mean yes, life ruining is a little dramatic. But it is one of the worse symptoms, not in terms of mental health necessarily (though the stress is a bad thing for mental health) just it’ll be the harder thing to recover from when you start recovering from mental illness. The self harm cuts will heal, the sadness will go, the low self esteem will rise, all of that will eventually get better in most cases but if you’ve put off work and cleaning up and things like that, it’s going to take a longer and more stressful time to catch up and I think that’s the scariest thing.