I had planned to go. Yup, I didn’t. But not for the usual reasons.
There was a whole school assembly this morning. If I went to school to even ask if I could be excused from the assembly I’d have to walk into the crowd which sort of defeats the purpose of asking to be excused so my dad agreed that I’d go in at 9am. So my dad needed milk so we went to a supermarket. My dizziness was already bad but then I started walking around and feeling ill again. Like sick. My doctor described what was happening as “my head thinks it’s moving but my eyes are saying something different”. We drove back to school but couldn’t find a place to park and my dad got a bit agitity and said: “you’re going to be late”. I said it didn’t matter as I had library and I had little interest in doing that because I hate being alone with my rotten thoughts. So we went back to the supermarket and the dizziness had been going on for a while and then I threw up… Yup, in a supermarket bathroom which is lovely. I was shaking, tired. I couldn’t go. So we went home. i helped out. Then I went to bed, had a nap. Woke up. Wasn’t dizzy. Sat up. Was dizzy. Laid down. Watched How I Met Your Mother.
I know. Facisnating life, right?I am a little bit annoyed at always being ill. With these annoying long terms things. Just once I’d love to be told “that infection will go in a week” rather than “that fluid in your ear upsetting your balance will be there for a month, could go sooner because you’re young. But we said that about your foot and that took 9 weeks instead of 6 weeks to heal.” – Don’t get me wrong.
I am not self pitying. I’m just annoyed, I think that’s the most appropriate word to use. Ill sucks. But depression weakens the immune system, so I’ve heard. So it makes sense that I’d have all this stuff.One of the more life ruining aspects of depression is the inability to think into the future. I think to myself “I should really do my homework”, “I should really throw that bottle [of water] away” but the ‘do it later’ and the ‘I have time’ or “it’s just one thing” excuses come in because that attitude continues and eventually I have 20 empty bottles of water to pick up which is just a large task that will take a lot of effort. The one sheet of homework I could have taken my time on, now has several extra pieces of homework which will be done in a mad dash Sunday night. The most I can plan for is a day. Usually it’s not even that. I usually end up doing work early morning several hours before it has to be handed in. This is life ruining because plans are never followed through. I mean yes, life ruining is a little dramatic. But it is one of the worse symptoms, not in terms of mental health necessarily (though the stress is a bad thing for mental health) just it’ll be the harder thing to recover from when you start recovering from mental illness. The self harm cuts will heal, the sadness will go, the low self esteem will rise, all of that will eventually get better in most cases but if you’ve put off work and cleaning up and things like that, it’s going to take a longer and more stressful time to catch up and I think that’s the scariest thing.



10 thoughts on “

  1. awww Munchkin, the supermarket trip really sucked. Fluid in the ears will really mess up balance, you know all about that. Keeping your head more still is good, kind of hard to do all day though.

    So yes, Depression makes you not want to do things, It is very convincing too. This is one of the things you have to fight, and it is a hard fight. To overcome that feeling of not wanting to. Each time you do it though, and achieve the goal, even one as simple as throwing out the water bottles, it becomes a bit easier. When you overcome more, and start challenging yourself to do more, and do so successfully, you start to release serotonin. 🙂 you know what that will do for you. It is hard at first Munchkin, very very hard.

    *smiles and hugs*

    • I do that. But still all dizzy. It doesn’t help that my balance is off anyway because of my feet. I just have to lie down more or just sit because it wasn’t too bad today.

      It is hard; yes. I imagine it’ll be easier with antidepressants and such which I hope, in a way, to get on my pdoc visit.


  2. Oh….I could not get to this blog until I went to the ACTUAL website of yours (vs from my email in box). That is interesting how you were able to not have a title….like Amber, if I forget to put a title (which has only happened once since I am pretty anal retentive)….it will tag it with a number. (What that number represents I have no idea…the blog number that day out of all the bloggers???).

    I must try to experiement now….

      • It might be….normally if I forget to put a title (again, that happening only once….as per my anal retentive comment….which you can tell I have as I am once again making mention of it haha)….normally, it will not put a title on the blog…but at least in the email it has a number so you can click on it…

        You might be right that it’s the theme.

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