I have to write this blog quickly because I do indeed have homework and I’ve done some of it which I will have to rewrite on the official sheet. But I have to do a poster about Roosevelt, I think. It might be a good idea to actually know what I should be doing before I start. It’s history homework. I sort of object doing it on the grounds I have no respect for the teacher. If you’re in your twenties and a teacher and need to be ‘in’ with the popular teenagers than I seriously have to consider your problem here. But I could rant about that until I’m blue in the face and still never be done with it. So I’m just going to let it drop.
So why am I writing?To babble, mostly. Little lonely here in my room at 2:30am.
Also to rant about anxiety. Anxiety is driving me pretty crazy… ignore the obvious irony in that sentence. But no, anxiety is annoying. I don’t just mean the panic attacks. I had a nap after I had my dinner which I should probably stop doing because those naps are worse than normal sleeps because I am overly aware that my family is awake and I don’t like it. I like them awake, I don’t want them comatose, of course. I just like it when I know where everyone is, where they’re likely to go and whether the voice I tend to hear just before I fall asleep are hallucinations. I like to know the not being able to tell the difference between hallucinations and reality is another cause for anxiety for me. Which is why nights are arguably better for hallucinations. Nobody’s up. So if I hear voices it is hallucinations rather than the neighbours which I so often assume it is if my auditory hallucinations happen during the day. That the classical music (which I do enjoy) is hallucinating and not from somewhere else. Anyway, yes. Nap. Night terror/mare/thing happens. Horrible one but I’ve actually forgotten what it was about. I just remember it was bad. So hearts pounding, I’m lying there thinking “omg, it’s a heart attack, I’m going to die” which obviously I knew I wasn’t. It was anxiety. But it means that I have to recover which takes on average two hours and then my chest hurts and Im tired, so I don’t want to do anything. Not that depression doesn’t help with that.
Due to all the effort I’m putting in to my homework I am going to school, as much as this internal conflict about the subject says different. I also think I can’t judge early lunch and double history until I’ve tried it. I mean, I do know myself well enough to know I’ll hate it. But I can’t leave AY and I can’t avoid everything I hate. I need to beat this avoidant personality I have. I escape into a fantasy land if I don’t like what I’m doing or what’s going on and so I feel happy and I do that too much. I miss a lot of important school work that way. So I should at least give early Thursday lunch a chance. I haven’t got much to lose.
Okay, I have to stop blogging now because my homework is looking at me as if to say “it’s 2:49am, you have 3 hours until people start stirring, if you don’t start me now you can’t take breaks to reduce your stress level.. c’mon, Paris… start the work”
Oh, homework. You make an excellent point.