The one thing I will never get used to with bipolar disorder is the little control over emotions I have. It’s so unpredictable and uncontrollable and I think that’s one of the things that drives me mad. Like today and last night. I wasn’t doing anything particularly sad and I just began to get tearful and then an hour or so later I was just crying and I couldn’t figure out why. I still don’t know. It was on and off. I was crying when dad got up, after he asked what was wrong and I told him to leave me alone. I then at 7am got up to print off the homework I was going to do in the car but the internet wasn’t working and after 4 failed attempts trying to get it work, I yelled whilst walking past my dad: “That’s it. I am 700% done with today and it hasn’t even started yet” and jumped back into bed.
I made up with my dad because instead of yelling at me to go to school, he asked if I was going and through these unexplained, uncontrollable tears I said I wasn’t. I then couldn’t figure out whether this was more depression or mixed episode. I only really noticed when anger creeps in that I’m in a mixed episode but I’ve never had uncontrollable crying before that wasn’t explained. So obviously, googled it. Turns out it is just an extension of depression. But I found a pretty conclusive list of depression symptoms:
Depression is considered one of the primary symptoms of bipolar disorder. However, it is actually a set of symptoms characteristic of one aspect of bipolar disorder. An episode of depression, as it relates to bipolar disorder, is the downswing in a mood cycle. An episode of depression is debilitating, often leaving the sufferer completely dysfunctional. It is an extreme emotional state that impairs daily living. There are a number of warning signs — red flags –- that you or someone you love may be experiencing depression. These symptoms of depression are organized into broad categories for easier reference. It is important to note that depression is experienced differently from one person to the next so not all symptoms will present for all individuals.
Changes in Activity or Energy Level
- Decreased energy
- Diminished activity
- Insomnia or hypersomnia
- Loss of interest in pleasurable activities
- Social withdrawal
Physical Changes Caused by Depression
- Unexplained aches and pains
- Weight loss or gain
- Decreased or increased appetite
- Psychomotor agitation or retardation
Emotional Pain of Depression
- Prolonged sadness
- Unexplained, uncontrollable crying
- Feelings of guilt
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Loss of self-esteem
Difficult Moods Associated with Depression
Changes in Thought Patterns due to Depression
- Inability to concentrate
- Memory problems
Preoccupation with Death
- Thoughts of death
- Suicidal ideation
- Feeling dead or detached
After, I slept a little and woke up with infected gums. The infection in my gums always comes and goes. Rather annoying.
I just get so frustrated over the little control. I don’t mind losing control when I know the trigger. But there was no trigger to this crying. I don’t even get how it happens.