I rarely write about my nightmares. firstly because last year due to the intensity of my insomnia i didn’t have them very often. Secondly, by the time I could write about them, my mind had contexualised it and I could no longer remember it. Thirdly, they were so horrifying I didn’t want to relive the experience in black and white. But due to my worsening moods, I’ve been sleeping more. So the frequency of nightmares has risen. But just so I can give you an example of a nightmare, this admittedly wasn’t one of the particularly bad ones.
I was at my mothers and as always I don’t know how I ended up in her house. It’s always so confusing. But I’m there but unlike my brother (younger) who seems to accept this fate. I want out and it feels like I’m fighting something invisible to do so. It’s just like I’ve been panic stricken. But my tone always remains normal. We’re in the old house we used to live in, the one before we moved and the was chucked out so we had to live with dad if that makes sense. We’re in our room and my mother comes in and everyone is having a conversation and it seems to be going plesantly and my brother turns to me with a picture in his hand of formally dressed up people which seem to be between the ages of 13 and 14 indicating to me they are my brother’s age. He asks me “should I show her?” and me knowing what sort of person she is, wanting her to know as little as possible I say he shouldn’t show her and said that he should hand it to me for sake keeping. I look at the photo and realise it’s a prom picture from year 9. Meaning this dream is in the future. I put the picture into this giant desk which seems to be in the bedroom my brother and I shared when young. Another indication of that is I walk into her room and the brother I no longer consider a brother is there and he says: “where’s the other GCSE kid?” meaning my littler brother. Which confuses me. Obviously this dream is set in the future so it is plausible for my brother to be doing his GCSEs but I do A levels when he does GCSEs so how can there be another person doing GCSEs.
“I don’t know” is what I reply with. I don’t know why I never question anything.
“How’s school?” “Its fine”.
“How’s work?” and after a short pause I ask “what do you even do?”
He then goes onto a long speech about debts, George Bush spending all this money so no one else has to. I mean him knowing all this politic and money stuff didn’t make sense because he know’s nothing but since it has been four years and since I thought this dream was real. It made sense. But waking and realising this is nothing more than a dream I wonder why the hell my mind wants to bore me to death with this stuff? (which is obviously untrue). I lie on the bed, I’m a lot taller than I used to be and whilst my head is near the other side and my legs dangle off the edge and if on queue a flashback begins to start but before it can get to the worst part. It just being on the usual “foreplay” which is appropriate and inappropriate for so many reasons. I’m snapped awake.
A little bit of my hair clasping to my showing skin. Usually I tie it up but I forced myself to have a shower and I liked to air dry it and if you tie it up, the wet bit under the bobble can stay wet for days. But I sort of regret not loosely tying it up now. I suppose this nightmare was my own fault. I fell asleep at 4-5am, woke about around 8am. Stayed in bed and then fell asleep for an hour or so waking up at 2-2:15pm. If I had gotten out of bed or even just got onto the computer instead of lying there all depressed, I wouldn’t of had it. I suppose the scariest thing about my nightmares is how real they feel and for the few seconds right after I wake, I’m still under the illusion that they are real.