A straight to the point title? What sort of sorcery is this?
School is becoming a massive problem for me. I know. I say this a lot. But it’s becoming more of a problem. I used to joke I had no friends, you know the “forever alone” thing. I would even tell my dad and psychiatrist so. But I had two then; just about. But as the moods become worse so does my interaction with people. I can’t even fake a smile at people. I find people’s idiocy and annoying comments harder to ignore. I’m 10 minutes late sometimes and not for any reason I’m just trying coax myself out the car and I told my dad in anger that I did not want to go to school again. I wanted time off. At the time I meant it. I was so close to crying and not at anger at my dad. Pity, obviously. That he has to suffer this tantrum at least one a week. I find it harder to see the future so I more live for the now, unfortuantely childish tantrums come into that. I do feel bad for my dad bearing the brunt of it.
My teacher when I got into school told me to try and be on time. The only way I’m going to be on time is if I don’t have to turn up. I explained when SK got in, late like me. That the reason I went off at lunch is because the cookie and milkshake I had made me feel ill and I thought I was going to throw up. SK seems to be angry with me lately and I figured it was because of JLS and the fact I wouldn’t tell JLS I didn’t like her after how ignorant she was. Which I found out I was not over reacting to because I told HA and she agreed that JLS was wrong to do that to me. SK told me she has problems at home and I sympathise with her. She only told me once and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and I’m not in the business of making her but today she actively moved away from me twice so she’s got something against me. I haven’t got the energy to play this game. If I ask SK why she doesn’t like me, she’ll say she does. If JLS asks why I don’t like her, I’ll tell her. So I have no friends that aren’t online now.
I was sitting in the library for the first two lessons seriously thinking about time off because as much as I know you’re all proud of me for continuing and how proud my dad is of me continuing and how proud SK was for me to continue. But I just can’t anymore. It’s too much emotional pain to be there. I told my dad I was serious and he said he’d think about it and I said I would too. I even researched on the internet to see what I would have to do. My GP once suggested me doing it and I said no at the time because of school work and friends but since I have no friends and my school work is bad anyway. I see what the people on the forums say it gave them time to regroup and when they came back they did better. So, I’m going to make a Pros and Cons list right here.
- Wouldn’t have to use all my energy to get out of bed.
- Wouldn’t have to feel like killing myself when I step into that school.
- No urge to kill anyone who annoys me.
- Urge lessened to kill self.
- Less arguments with dad.
- Less feeling alone.
- Less panic attacks.
- Less feelings added onto depression. Loneliness etc.
- Time to regroup.
- Would probably get work sent to me anyway.
- Wouldn’t disrupt other people’s education when manic.
- Could experience mania in a safer environment.
- Have a support system that wouldn’t break down.
- Wouldn’t feel like I’m passing depression onto everyone else like it’s some sort of contagious disease.
- Wouldn’t be so self concious.
- Might not do so well working on my own than in a class room.
- Might start to slack off and use depression as an excuse.
- Might not be able to go in for anything but exams and might not go back until A levels.
- Might decide I don’t want to do A Levels because being at home was better.
In both quality and quantity the pros have it. But remember, I’m only seriously thinking about it and my doctor might have changed his mind about allowing it so it might not even matter and this conversation might be moot. But I’m not going to tell anyone at school until it is a definite and I’m not making a doctors appointment until half term (next week) now.