Friends and Foes.

The subject where you see the most stereotypical student behaviour is maths. Usually everyone is working to the best of their ability. In any lesson, they work. But the students care less about maths than the teacher. In the left hand corner we have a girl who seldom gets her maths book or sheets out and spends all her time tweeting (on twitter not literally tweeting). Her two friends sit behind her and they do just enough amount of work to be ignored. Behind them are two other girls and behind those two other girls and those four are always steadily working. Onto the next column and there are two boys at the back, they don’t really work to my knowledge, they more just sit there and pretend and ask the odd question. In front of them is another boy, who was moved for talking and he spends most of his time talking to them. In front of them is JLS and I, neither of us are working and if it’s a particular type of day she will be on her phone reading and I will be doodling on my work. In front of us are two boys who eagerly work. On the next row, at the front is a boy and a girl. The boy will spend all his time pretending to work and text his girlfriend keeping his phone under his desk whilst the girl will talk to the girls behind her and if she’s told off for talking say JLS and I are talking more (which today we actually weren’t). Then the two behind her, one of the girls is hardly ever there and the other works because if she doesn’t it’ll seem hypocritical after her mother complained the teacher is bad (which he is). Behind them is another lone boy who was moved for talking and behind him his old seat and his friend, he still talks to his friend. On the next row, an empty desk, two girls and a two boys on the row of boys. They all work together. They all work. The class is equally divided by the people who don’t work and the people who do. So what was the point of this?To show you life from my perspective? Perhaps.
It was more to show that school is school no matter where you go and to remind myself of that fact. There will always be people who follow by example.

I think my true feelings for JLS have finally clicked, I wasn’t bothered that she was skipping (or as we call it skyving) sociology because she hadn’t done her essay (even though I reminded her, like a good friend last night). Her skipping class actually turned out to be a useless thing because our teacher wasn’t here and whilst they took in the essays, they didn’t check who did it and we hardly did any work.

I sort of ignored her when she came in at break and I knew I was doing it. I was telling SK what happened Sunday and Monday and showed her the text I sent JLS. She agreed it was bad. SK, agreed what JLS did was bad. SK felt bad for me. But I know a look that crossed across her face. Astonishment and disbelief that this had actually happened. She wasn’t calling me a liar or even for a second thinking I was lying. But she I think just finds it hard to belief the messes I get into. She has a fair point. I manage to get myself into all sorts of trouble effortlessly. Maybe that’s why JLS didn’t want to hear about it, she was probably sick of it. But does that excuse her from ignoring my crisis at the time? If it hadn’t of played out so well, I could have ended up in such big trouble and my whole life would be turned on his head. My life is essentially a house of cards. It’s important to maintain balance and same conditions. The police did go down to my postal address but it being a postal address we don’t live there, they even searched through the person who ran the place’s stuff. She didn’t throw us off from the postal address but she would have been in her right to do so. If she had, we would have had to tell the school. Jeopradising my brother getting into my college (I think you may now understand the postal address). Meaning I’d have to move college. But it also made my dad worry because if they lied about that, what if they lied about ringing my mother? I would have thought she would have come in to my school; but she didn’t. So I hope she doesn’t know. But it’s just more stress for me. But luckily none of that happened.

But that brings me onto the title… what is a friend? In your eyes? What is a foe?
I consider a friend someone who is there to the best of their ability. They may not know what to say to every problem. They may not be the funniest. The bravest. But they are there when you need them. That for me is bar standard, any other brilliant qualities are just extra.
What’s a foe in my eyes? Well, I suppose the only one I really have is my mother but that’s after years of abuse and neglect so I suppose my definiton is not as good as the next guys.

Luckily though I didn’t have to face JLS at lunch because she had to start a controlled assessment. So I didn’t have the awkward task of when she asked if we could sit down somewhere (meaning can we go somewhere else away from everyone else) and me saying no. At the end of the last English lesson (which is also the last lesson of the day) I heard stupid comments about the book ‘Lord of The Flies’ such as “this book is pointless”, “I don’t see the point of it” to which Miss S debated with shocked indigniation and she even asked my opinion, I said they were stupid comments. I get it if they didn’t like the book. It is a tough book to deal with if you’re not used to it. Telling me you dislike the book doesn’t make me think less of you. We all have different tastes and different tolerance for these types of things but you can at least appreciate the book and it’s intention and if you say it’s pointless, you lose points on how much I can tolerate you. Miss S, attempting to education the three idiots on my row (including JLS) asked the class for reasons. My reason was very good (I said about how Ralph managed to keep his integrity and stay away from the evil even though it was the easier thing to do and points around that) that I managed to get the class dismissed to go home.

I want to now tell you of a possibly offensive joke and truth. If you are religious I want to enforce I meant nothing behind it, I was not being offensive.

I texted my dad.
Me: Do me a favour and ring this number: 666 [this is the devil’s number according to one section of the bible]Dad: it won’t ring.
Me: You didn’t actually ring it did you?
Dad: yes.
Me: Bless you, Omg. You’re hilarious.
Me: It was a joke. 666 is the number of the devil.
Dad: Satan lives x
Me: I know, that’s why I was asking you to call him. I think I might like his version of hell better than this one.
Me: Speechless, huh? I have a tendency to do that to people.
Dad: Textless to be precise x
Me: Haha, funny. This is still hell.

School is hell for me. I hate going. I like the learning. I just don’t like: getting up, getting dressed, going into the cold, walking in, having the register, being told off, walking to class, the people, the crowds, the work, the homework, I like the food, the stairs, the air, the building, PE and well you sort of see where this is going.

I think tomorrow is going to be Hell especially. I know I wrote a quote from my dad about it being ironic it was on the date anniversary but tomorrow is the day anniversary. So by wikipedia standard, the actual anniversary. I don’t know what I’m expecting. More flashbacks than usual? More hallucinations than usual? I have a lot of flashbacks everyday. Hallucinations, maybe 3 times a week. Though they aren’t scheduled like mood swings. Well not scheduled I mean like they’re not as easy to predict. Then the Thursday is my mother’s birthday. I don’t know what to expect either. But just the way I feel I’m losing myself, I need to prepare in case these triggers, these stressors are it for me. It’s just prudent planning. It’s a good thing I have SK for over half the day (three lessons, break and lunch).

I think the reason for my lowering mental state is that I’m being punished whilst asleep and awake. Nightmares and flashbacks. Well my nightmares are flashbacks to some extent. But I don’t escape them whatever I do. So that’s probably why I’m sleeping more and just allowing the nightmares because I have them either way.


20 thoughts on “Friends and Foes.

  1. are you now sleeping more?

    dates, anniversaries, oh it is easy to say.. don’t think of them that way. But you do, How can you not? I think now though, you need to look at them and stick out your tongue. you have moved on. You changed things. You will continue to change things. To improve things.

    you know.. and Katie is going to pounce on me. I hated math, and then .. omg.. I noticed math was fun. What changed? the teacher. I ran across one that was really good. Made math make sense. now… psssst, don’t tell Katie, her head will pop from expansion. πŸ˜‰

    so munchkin.. those dates, those anniversaries, they are from a previous life. You have moved on. dismiss them as stepping stones, rocky ones that wiggled but you leaped ahead. They are now gone, sinking into the ooze of your past. You have moved on to firmer ground.

    • Yes and no. I sleep on a night of longer sleep 3-4 hours but I have a nightmare so the sleep really only counts for two hours at the most.

      But I haven’t moved on. Not really. I’m having involunatry flashbacks Like for three years I didn’t care about the anniversary of it but since I’m having flashbacks about it and other things related to it, I remember it. It’s easy to say forget about it and get over it. But I’m not.

      I think even Katie can agree that a lesson is more fun depending on the teacher. Like I used to love history with this other teacher last year but now I can’t stand it because the teacher changed.

      I would have agreed with you last year, the year before and the year before that. I would agree that they are a previous life, I’m over it. But you’ve read my blog. You know I’m not. Everyday I flashback about it and the events leading up to it. I have nightmares. I have dissociative episodes just to escape the trauma of it all. Then I have to look in the mirror and face the fact that not only do I look like my mother but I have the same problem as her. Mood swings. Erratic behaviour. Changes. Admittedly hers wasn’t rapid cycling (I think because she developed it later in life rather than in her teen years because I read in a lot of places rapid cycling is usual in teens).

      • I know Munchkin, this is getting stronger in you. Therapy will help you. I know I can’t say move on and you will. It is a lot of what is tormenting you. Your night terrors, panic attacks too I think.

        now, looking like your mom. πŸ™‚ most of us do. same problems, perhaps, but you are going to work through them, one by one, one step at a time.

        you know why?

        cause if you don’t

        you know….
        Amber will be nagging at you. πŸ˜‰

        • Hm, well possibly the panic attacks. I think the panic attacks are just an extreme reaction anxiety and stress but maybe the reason I’m so sensitive to anxiety and stress is because of it.

          You should be nagging my psychiatrist not me. I still have three weeks until my appointment. Then I’ll have to wait another month and another… you see where this is going?

          Also, I’m pretty sure nagging a person to work through their problems doesn’t work. If you nag through a problem, don’t people usually shush up? Least that’s my experience.

  2. lol, I will nag you if you miss an appointment. or give up.

    panic attacks and the night terrors, yes I am sure of it. Your lack of sleep or insomnia is, again I feel strongly are part of it.

    hopefully your appointments will be closer together in the future and get some therapy as well.

  3. I saw the part about maths you two…nod nods.

    Munchkin…nods… a good instructor will help … a bad one can make you dislike any subject. I would just say with regards to school and the various things you have to learn … the actual learning of the topic can sometimes seem useless at the time … but often it’s also about learning other things. Take math for instance … yes, learning the actual mechanics of the subject can be useful … but what is REALLY useful, is learning how to solve things. Math can teach you how to approach problems … not just math problems, but life problems too … how to fix a toaster…how to understand what is being said in the news post.


    Well…by doing maths, you learn to break things down into smaller pieces, word problems force you to find what the relevant information is and which bits are extraneous. In a sense, math … history … science … beyond their subject matters, in the end, teach you how to teach yourself. That is the beauty of school I think *smiles*

    I know I sounded as if I was on my high horse….did not mean to. I know there are other things going on with the school issue…how hard it is for you to just get up and go. I know other things are going on in your life that make taking school harder to deal with. But you are trying … and that is good *hugs*

    Sorry I have not been around much by the way …. life has take a busy turn for me at the moment…. now I am playing blog catch up!

    Oh … and Amber? I saw about how you now like math! OMGYEAHHHHHHHH!

    • Haha.

      That’s exactly my belief. I’m not saying I’d enjoy maths with a good teacher but I’d find it easier and that woulod make it more enjoyable for me. Can I just state for the record here that just because you are good at maths does not mean you can fix a toaster. I’m saying this for the benefit of anyone who reads this rather than you, Katie. I just don’t want anyone blowing up. πŸ˜›

      Nicely said.

      Hope you are having fun catching up πŸ™‚ I’m sure many people have wrote many interesting things.

      The power of a good tutor.

          • math and toasters.. hmmm

            learning how to solve problems in math is learning logic, This helps you with a lot of things.

            oh did you know if you put cheese on one side of bread and then put the toaster on its side you can use it like a grill?

            but then the counter would catch fire I think, lol, but I did see a picture of it.

              • bol.. and the cheese side would land down.

                if the side of the toaster became hot, and most do, I don’t think it would be good for the counter.

                on that note, I have decided we will make pizza for dinner. We were going to buy some, but I don’t think we could even get a delivery today, Would you like some snow? we have extra. πŸ™‚

                  • Oh we are having pizza. πŸ™‚ the dough is rising for the crust and Aimee has made the sauce. Soon we will grate the cheese and decide on the toppings. probably green peppers, tomato’s pepperoni… maybe sausage? hmm, ponders. yup sausage, lol. wait bacon? both.. oh oh. choices. need two pizza’s.

                    • Do you argue over toppings because one person doesn’t like one thing but someone loves it? Always like that in my family. I’m okay with majority of toppings except spicy because of my tummy problems but my brother hates ham and pineapple but loves spicy. My dad doesn’t like pepporoni and then there is the rest of the family to consider. How do you even do it? Is there like a formula?

                    • lol, we like most of the same things, but we made two different kinds, so there were choices. omg they were yummy, I should blog about them. For the first time we tried avocado. mmmmmm, it was so great. psssst don’t tell Katie though. πŸ˜‰

                    • nods…make the pizza SUPER BIG….then you don’t have to make halfsies….as the 1/16thies would be big enough nod nods …

                      I want a cheese slice please…oh…goat cheese on it….and the peppers yes…and tomatoes…and onions…and olives…and and and…lol

            • How math helps you fix a toaster:

              Math story problem. What to do? What is the answer?
              Fixing toaster. What to do? How do I fix it?

              Math: Figure out what is being asked. Find x? Find how many apples are left over?
              Toaster: Figure out what is broken. Is it the burner? Is it the toaster plunger?

              Math: Break the problem into knowns and unknowns. Decide what is information needed, what is not.
              Toaster: Break the problem into knowns and unknowns. Decide if the problem is the toaster or the outlet electricity.

              Math: Complete for the unkowns. Look in math book to figure out the parts you don’t know.
              Toaster: Fix the things you know how to fix. Look in a fixit book for things you dont;t.

              Math: Get the answer!
              Toaster: Eat freshy made toast!

              So…almost works my analogy? I guess what I am saying is…math..or rather, ‘learning’ … is transferable to other parts of life nod nods *smiles*

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