Panic attacks and School

My dad and I both deal with problems in different ways. In my opinion neither one of us does it healthily. My dad will go on about a problem and use that as justification as all life being bad and tell people so. Each time. He gets problems a lot. It is so annoying to hear. Then I do the opposite even when my problem is happening right there which in the instance I’m talking about is panic attacks, I still say I’m fine. I’m okay or I just don’t talk about it. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe it’s because I want to put the person helping me at ease, maybe it’s to try and convince myself I’m okay. Whatever the reason, it’s not healthy I do that. It’s not healthy my dad does that. But we’re both set in our ways so we won’t change.

My day went like this: I had chemistry, it was good. Well, in terms of lessons. We had three experiments. I helped with the first one but I was severely sleep deprived and just unable to conjure up a logical thought so I helped but not well. So SK who hadn’t helped with any of the experiments told me something I didn’t know. I think she assumed I did. She told me that in year 7, the year my mother chucked my brother and I out. These two people who I thought were my friends. One of them was my best friend at the time. Had spread around about my mother throwing us out and nearly everyone in our half year group knew and had begun to obviously make assumptions. Apparently people thought I was a “rebel” for getting thrown out, people assumed I was on drugs, drinking, horrible to my mother. People were scared of me. Four years later and I find out that for year 7 people were scared of me. It didn’t help that I was involved in three ‘bullying’ situations. Well not bullying, just a quick summary here so we don’t all think I’m horrid. One of them was I fell out with a friend like people do and a lot of people saw this as a green light to bully her because they were only staying friends with her because of me and because I was sort of the match that lit the flame, I was involved. The other one was that I fell out with this girl and her mother (because her and her mother were creepy close) and people started having a go at them, bullying her and her mother on msn and eventually she left the school and police were called and it was all because I let that same best friend hold my phone at the same time I received a text where the girls mother called our entire class “shit” and she told the class and it stemmed from there. Then later on, a girl who a lot of people had fallen out with had a fake account made for her and the person running the fake account made up all these sex stories and used very prolific language. We all knew it wasn’t her but they were all kids and so of course the real person got teased. I will admit I did get involved in this one but I was the one who called the real person on the phone and told her what was going on because it was the holidays and we couldn’t tell her at school because by then it would have got out of hand. But through all of that me and AA (the best friend mentioned above) stuck together and now I find out that she told essentially everyone and everyone was scared of me, not that I care what my reputation was. I was always fully prepared for some sex scandal rumour or something like that. It was high school, everyone was immature. I think what I was more offended about was how I didn’t know. I knew all the gossip, like that’s what I loved to hear. I knew majority of it wasn’t true but I like trying to figure out how these rumours even started. I was just annoyed no one, none of my close friends told me this was the consensus among everyone. I thought people were intimated by me because I was friends with the popular kids. But that was the reason. No one at my school could keep a surprise party a secret but they did a brilliant job of covering this up. Like some kind of mass conspiracy. So I got wound up.

After science I told JLS about what happened, she thought it was funny which then annoyed me that I gave her money to sponsor her Christian group to go to Tanzania in the summer and got wristbands (will post photos on photos blog). I then get on a track about it. We go to get some food and panic attack starts. I have one but it calms down and I go to maths deciding it was a short one (but a fully fledged one) and despite the fact I felt awful and ill, I wanted to continue because I had last Wednesday off. But to quote what I said in Maths – “I’m not f**king working today. Not that I work any other lesson. But I feel ill, his voice is grinding and everybody is a backstabber.” Okay, maybe I got like my dad there. But I was justified to feel like this. I also said quite loudly past a teacher: “if a teacher were to smile in this place we should give them a medal” after this teacher told us to go back to class. To be fair, JLS acts like she’s all rebellious and threatening to beat people up but I suggest we take the long way back to class and she pulls me back because she’s scared and we get in trouble.

We then have health and I still feel ill so I decide no work in that lesson either. JLS is far behind on her coursework so Miss says she should sit up front so she can help but JLS told me to come to her if I need anything. I’m making one of those chinese whisper things where you pick a colour, spell the colour, then a number, do that number and then pick another and pick up the flap and read what it says. Those things. Might not be called Chinese Whispers but that’s what I have in my head. But the anxiety builds up so I go out of the room, there are stairs leading to a door but the staff room thing is open so they’d hear me. I cool down a little and head back inside my classroom. It happens again and this time I go outside, which is where a nursery is so parents and toddlers are coming out and I think they ignore the crying and the trouble breathing. I go back inside, try and catch my breath at the bottom of the stairs. Do so, just about and go back inside. I sit down and SK sees there is something wrong and she asks many times if I want to go outside. I finally agree and the panic attack starts and I become dizzy and lightheaded like I am going to faint. I turn away and SK tells me I don’t need to turn away from her. First time anyone’s actually said that to me. I tell her I’m fine even though she’s insistent on the medical room. She tells me to sit on the stairs so if I faint I don’t crack my head on the concrete, I sit down and become level again. I go back in and well, the entire class heard me cry. Lovely not a one came out to see if I was okay. It’s really a shame because for two of the three tables in our class, I would have made sure anyone was okay.

I then had lunch where I ate a cookie and had some water to raise blood sugar and then had an almost panic attack because we were in a crowd again. RE was good and nothing happened. Then we had PE, ND heard me crying, I told her about the panic attack and she’s the one who sits out. Okay, maybe I sound selfish but she gave in too quick. I think I’d have more sympathy if she went to the doctors instead of complained. She complains she’s ill everytime I see her and I told her to go to the doctors. I don’t go to the doctors but I don’t complain everytime I see someone. Then school ended, I got into the car. My dad said nothing, I said nothing. So I asked about the car £1500 to fix which we don’t have so dad’s sending it back to my sister and I had to prompt him to ask about me. I think he was drinking alcohol as well tonight. Ironic we were learning about alcohol in RE. So much for that resoluation.