Tis my 200th post and I would try and make it special but then I feel insulting to all my other posts. So I will make it like any other post and tell you about my day.
Last night, I had some plans. Reply to all messages, skype with a friend, read a book, attempt sleep, maybe sleep if lucky, wake up and school and stuff. But I wasn’t that lucky. So, I had my dinner and wasn’t feeling too well so I went to lie down. I’ve got back to sleeping 1-2 hours again so even if I fell asleep, I’d wake up in time to do things. So I did lie down around 9pm and well, dissociative episode happened. AGAIN! It’s frustrating because then I can’t plan for anything in case I have one of these episodes. So I snap out of it at 6:30am, knowing full well I didn’t sleep because stuff had been moved and I hadn’t moved it. Well I don’t remember moving it. When I asked my dad the next morning he said I said good night to him. I should probably do a post of dissociation… just a thought. Anyway, 6:30. I go back to sleep and awake at 7:20am but am completely unwilling to leave the confines of my bed so I begin replying the 35 messages (mainly pictures) on whatsapp, emails, texts and a lot of them which if I were awake I could have answered gradually. The thing is I then get in a bad mood because I did nothing I was supposed to, I’m depressed and I have to go to school.
So I go to school, I was trying to catch up with my correspondence and just feel I’m not worrying about it all day in the car so when I got out I was a little late and when I walked into class, my teacher said “why are you late?” and my answer? “I’m late because I’m late”. Which is the reason, we’re almost adults for crying out loud. Why treat us like we are children? It belittles all of us. Then sociology which is always good. Breaktime and I went into a crowd, I stupidly thought “I can do this, I’m not a baby” – I can’t but it’s such a hard thing to accept. That you can’t walk into a crowd but luckily I was able to control it so I levelled by breathing but I still felt ill from it so I decided to sit on the sofas, near the door so I had fresh air but wasn’t cold. Only downside is it’s in public so people asked what I was doing there or “shouldn’t you be in lessons?”. If I WAS going to skip lessons, why would I sit in plain view reading Lord of The Flies? I mean, they’re teachers. Use some logic! I then just acted all interested in my book and was never spoken to again.
I then had maths in which I was still feeling ill so I did not work. When we were going to English there is a small hallway and it tends to get crowded and it also gets crowded around English so another panic attack began. I managed to subdue it. But my teacher and JLS asked if I was okay and I probably sounded so harsh when I said I was fine, I mean the tone more than what I said. We watched a bit of the movie Lord of The Flies.
Then lunch, it was okay. Aside from two things. First thing, JLS and I were walking and we bumped into Mr TD and he asked what I was doing next year. I said I was doing history, I’m not. No way. But I felt like not having a conversation about why not. But I also told him my brother was coming over to our school and that he picked history and he asked what my brother’s name was. This may all blow up in my face. But I don’t care.The second thing was I was sitting with JLS outside English and my English teacher comes and says “did she tell you what was wrong?”. JLS already knew what was wrong and if my English teacher had asked later I would have told her. I was having a beginning of a panic attack. But now, I don’t know what to do? Up the dose of diazepam. Well yes but it’s like turning the cushion after you’ve spilt something, yes you can’t see the stain but it’s still there. So yes, I’m not having a panic attack but the anxiety is still there so what’s the point? We then watched the rest of Lord of The Flies and went home.
The friend I was supposed to skype was upset that I didn’t skype like I promised to last night. I explained what happened and she still was upset. I suppose this is wrong of me to stereotype, but she claims/ed she has/d depression so I was sort of expecting her to be understanding and I know, I shouldn’t stereotype like that but my experience is that 98% of people I talk to are very empathetic and sympathetic to others and their illnesses.
On a slightly unrelated but not completely note, I have friend who is now creating fake mental illnesses so she will be given more medicine from her therapist person. She has depression and anxiety and so she was on medication for that but now she’s saying she wants the doctor to see if she has bipolar, BPD and all these other illnesses that she thinks coexist. I doubt it. But I also never knew you could become addicted (maybe not physically but psychologically) to these medicines. It’s either that or she enjoys the attention and I only have sympathy over one to be honest. But I never knew, which could explain her silence towards me. We’re only email friends but she’s been very silent towards me but not this mutual friend of ours, so I think she’s avoiding me because I will prove her whole bipolar hypothesis out the window because her and I are very different in symptoms. My ups are very up, her ups are normality. Her downs and my downs are similar but not. If you get what I mean. I just worry how consumed with this addiction she will get.
So tonight I will start and finish the book I was going to read last night, partly because I want to, part to reduce the 15 pile of books I got in the past 2 weeks and that I haven’t read and is now towering worryingly high. So by reading one of the books, hopefully I will reduce it so that it doesn’t fall because that would be annoying. I have caught up with the few I was going to talk to. Oh, dissociative episodes. You annoying things.