Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck, some nights I call it a draw.

I didn’t go to school today. Call me defeatist but I just sat in the car bubbling with anger and sucidal ideation and just thought – “what will actually make me feel better? School won’t. There’s not even a subject worth struggling for.” So I called my dad out on that old promise he made that if I asked for the day off he would allow me that. But I continued to feel guilty which apparently is another symptom of mixed episodes so that’s wonderful. I think I’m just struggling to go from euphoria to sadness again. It is diffcult to experience the sudden chemical change because it’s not like there is reasoning behind it. There is no argument that caused it, no life change that caused it and that makes it all the harder because you can’t make sense to the madness because nothing caused the change. Well nothing you can see. The change in appetite, for me either overeating snack foods or undereating all together. I know by the end of the week the anger will have subsided, any energy I once had (even if it is the negative kind) so the thinking of suicide will stay but any energy to actively try it will go. It just sucks while it happens. It’s snowing here, on the lighter side of things and according to my iPhone weather should continue until 7pm. But hopefully it’ll last longer so I don’t have to go to school tomorrow either.

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