I woke up around 3.30am, brushed my teeth and was reading my 4am. It was a 313 pages and I finished it just in time to get ready for school. It’s call ‘The Fault in our Stars’ and to anyone whosever read it, you know this boo has you laugh and crying and for me laughing whilst crying. I mean in the ‘this-book-is-amazing-way’ not ‘I’m in a mixed epsiode and it sucks way’. But it’s very poignant and I can never get over how amazing a book is especially in just one day. It’s called a ‘book haze’ from what I once read in a book on tumblr and that happens to me a lot. Movies, books, just a haze for an entire day. Sometimes longer. Which I like in a way.
I sat in the car just wishing we’d get stuck in the snow because I didn’t want to go to school. I was just sitting in the car thinking “I could open this door, avoid school and possibly die”. With each episode I come closer to taking my own life. It took me over 8 months to work up the courage to attempt it seriously for the first time and I worry I’m getting closer and closer just to take away this emotional pain and I was probably very selfish in the car to sit there and speak to my dad about letting me die, killing me, just stopping this emotional pain because I’m pretty damn sick of feeling like jumping off the bridge after feeling so euphorical. But in hindsight expressing these feelings so badly to my dad, sounding like a child about suicide probably made my dad upset. I think it’s just ever since the reality of me being mentally ill is that it is getting worse rather than better and that no, this isn’t something he can brush under the carpet, he’s been treating me differently. Hardly commenting on the things I say, treating my brother better than me. It could be that he can’t see the connection between my physical health and mental health and I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t believe this isn’t partly due to my mother and so he blames himself for not seeing through that situation quicker. I leave the car most mornings when in a mixed episode having sworn at him, called him many names and without saying ‘i love you’ even though he says it to me. But he frustrates me. I like to read about bipolar since the paid for pdoc said that was my most likely diagnosis and I have the symptoms and yadayadayada because then I know what is normal behaviour for each episode; as if we could call it normal. But my dad refuses to read even the NHS symptom list because he’s avoidant. I think that’s where I get this avoidant personality trait from. Which is fine with me. He said he wants me to explain it in my words because he understands it better that why but then I get ‘sciencey’ with chemicals, chromosomes. I think it’s hard for both parent and child when the child becomes smarter than the parent. I mean he’ll always be smarter than me at maths but I now check his letters for spelling and grammar, know a lot about science and anatomy. Anyway, I tell him. I explain this is an illness and that majority of behaviour he puts down to being “selfish” is mania. All the arguments we have are from a mixed episode and so is all the abuse I throw at him because I need to release my anger. Then the ignoring and the isolation is depression. But he treats me like I’m doing it all on purpose. I think though, the most frustrating thing is that for the arguably mundane, my dad puts my brother first. I’ve been needing my hair cut ever since I manically cut my hair and I’ve said this but he never makes an appointment. I’d make it myself but my dad would argue he couldn’t do it. He always tells me to hurry up in the bathroom because my brother’s desperate but never when I am because he believes I can hold it… I was in hospital for dehydration part of the reason why I shouldn’t do that anymore. It drives me crazy. I love my dad but it just seems the time he is more helpful than hindering are getting further apart.
I’m beginning to ruin my head sometimes because some of the things I do remind me of my mother, my face, my voice, some of my mannerisms. It’s sort of impossible that I wouldn’t inherit somethings as I am her daughter after all. I think that’s the worse thing about losing everything you once felt for a parent. Maybe that’s where some of this unconcious aggression comes in from my dad. I can make sure my personality isn’t like hers, which is difficult since we both suffer from the same illness but I can’t stop my physical apperance. I think that’s why I hate my face. I don’t hate it in a teenagery way. Too fat, too thin. I just think I look a lot like her and that scares me.
I’ve had a lot of auditory hallucinations today. More than ‘normal’. I had a few where my name was being called, a conversation that was too faint to hear and a guy singing but this was probably the weirdest thing. When I have music halluincations, it’s usually classic music that I’ve heard before but the guy singing, I didn’t recognise the song but I recognised the voice. I was in an empty corridor and so it was hallucinating. It was like a deja vu of the voice but I can’t place who the voice is, I just recognise it. It was funny, it was a cheerful song which makes a change from the hate I usually experience from these voices.
JLS wasn’t at school today. But I texted her about this boy, I may have mentioned him. Last week he randomly starts a philisophical debate with us about God and religion, Greek philisophers. I liked it. Finally found some intelligence. His friend was also intelligence but also realised that asking some year 11s about this who he didn’t know was crossing the social line. Today I saw him asking some year 10s who I presume he didn’t know due to their horror stricken faces and he was just asking them about nazis and history and I rather liked that. But anyway, I texted her and of course. I tell her I have found a male who doesn’t utterly scare me (not out of a mean way, just a psychological thing) and she assumes I want to “get on dat” whatever “dat” is. But I was confused because one week I want to fuck everything that moves and then this week I can hardly feel any sexual attraction towards anything. I go from bisexual/pansexual to asexual in the shortest amount of time. So I wanted to just have a serious conversation with someone about it because I just want one thing I am sure of. So I text my supposedly best friend. The conversation went like this:
Her: u could have him because ur both confident n smart n I’m sure you’d be good at harrassing people.Me: I’d be friends with him. That’s him.
Me: I meant that’s it.
Her: Ahhh sure 😉
Me: Serious I think I’m asexual.
Her: Haha x
Me: I’m not even joking. When I’m in a mixed episode or depressed. I’m just asexual. I am really serious.
Her: That’s epic xx
Me: How so?
Her: I have an asexual friend you coul have babies and I could babysit n u wundt have to bother about a man
Me: Well that’s not what asexuality is but point taken. It’s just frustrating because my sexuality changes with my moods so I have no idea what sexuality I am and it’s fucking frustrating. (I then send the wikipedia definiton of asexuality as a picture)
Her: ohhhh so ur like not bothered
Me: Well it’s not like that either. It’s complicated. I just know when I’m depressed I feel like this.
Her: Ok 🙂 xx
I was hoping for some support. I don’t have a support network outside the internet. I mean I do for panic attacks but for suidical ideation and just basically all the moods there is no one I can turn to and know for sure they’d help. Which is the worst part. Especially as my physical and mental health begin to deterioate. At the beginning my dad used to say he’d take me to hospital and I think it was a scare tactic because I wouldn’t admit anything was wrong with me but now he realises that if he took me to a hospital I’d most likely be admitted to a psych ward and I’m pretty sure he still carries the stigma of people in psych wards got when he was younger. I do feel it’d be the best place for me.
My dad rescheduled the appontment with my one and only psychiatrist. Guess when it is?Guessed?
28th of February. A month this Thursday. A month.
I doubt I’d last another freaking month. At this rate I’ll be in my late 80s before I will even start anti depressants.