Rollercoaster ride.

It’s been about 10 days since mania started and 5 of those were arguably extremely bad. In terms of mania, not bad mood. I thought maybe I’d get till Friday but mixed episode is creeping in. Anger, anxiety, racing depressed thoughts, irritability, suicidal idealtion. When I realised I was going back down again I started to cry and laugh at the same time, that happens fairly regularly with mixed episodes. It’s so much a mixture of emotions it’s like the bit on the rollercoaster. Mania is you going up because it’s fun in a scary kind of way, depression is the flat bit, it’s there and it’s boring and you can’t wait to get up again. Mixed episode is the down bit, you’re screaming for it to stop but it won’t and you’re scared that something could happen as you feel yourself fall forward in your seat. It’s like that. So I’m back here again and I really, really hate it. With the last bit of mania I had I painted a lot of pictures and made so scoobies because I needed to vent the energy into constructive things rather than self destructive things. As you know I do seem to want to self destruct. I am in a way a little relieved as I am sick of the visual hallucinations, the hands coming intot he centre of my eye, the bugs that will ever only appear when I’m concentrating and in the corner of my eye, they’d be winding me up. But after the hell that is a mixed episode is over, I enter another hell which is depression. I am not looking forward to it. I wish I didn’t have to do anything but get better.

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4 thoughts on “Rollercoaster ride.

  1. The roller coaster analogy helps those of us who don’t know what you are going through to visualize what it might be like. I don’t like that it feels like that for you at all … and am sorry you go thru this.

    *just sends a hug*

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