Love, lust and pixie dust.

Part of the name for my tumblr blog, a song by Amyy can fly and a very accurate description of mania. My past four (verging on 5) days have been… eventful, I think that is the only word I can use to describe it. On Thursday I had the day off because the car broke down, well we have two. A car that was cheap and was obviously going to have a few problems due to the cost and were expected and a car that was 7 grand bought by my lawyer sister and the car keeps breaking. On Wednesday after my dad dropped us off the fanbelt and the battery broke on the cheap car, Thursday driving us to school the car cut out several times so dad had to keep restarting it and it was a whole thing but everytime we take it out a new light comes on the dash and considering it was well out of our price range for a car, we… sorry I am not a big fan of the car. But it meant I didn’t have to school that boded well for manic me because I was sick of the ‘OCD’ comments I was getting.

My dad had his “I’m not panic buying but…” breakdown. Just for future reference anyone who ever says but at the end of their sentence is going to contradict the statement they said before it. So we had to go to buy tinned food because apparently we were going to go live in a bunker because ww3 was about to happen. My dad did not like me making that comment. But my dad bought me to the worse place for mania, a supermarket. My manic period at the moment and well this entire one has been based on the impulsive need to organise, probably a “I can’t organise my thoughts, so I’ll organise the things around me” type of deal. In a supermarket, I organised and couldn’t leave till I felt I was done. Turning a 20 minute shop into an hour long shop. It’s funny, my brother was most sympathetic. He stood with me, tried to distract me and asked me questions about it. My dad was stressed about the car so he was a little morose when he walked back up the ailse and I was still organising the first few shelves. I did this at school, with the pencil cases and the shelves and the pens. I spent an entire health lesson doing this. The people who knew, asked if I was okay. The people who didn’t know but were nice asked if I was okay. The people who thought I was doing it for attention called me “an OCD actor” – I would NEVER fake a mental illness in my life, I would fake cramps to get off PE but never a mental illness and so whilst I was distracted by my thoughts at the time I wasn’t offended, thinking about it later when I cooled down to hypomania, I was a little angry.

Usually when manic it’s impulsive self destructive behaviour, fast talking, racing thoughts and hyper energy but the hyper energy was focused on the organising or the little things I did with my hands to keep the busy so I finished in half the time I normally would. I can’t tell whether this is a better manic period because I didn’t do anything self destructive or worse because I didn’t expel the energy. Though I have been getting a lot of visual hallucinations, so you can tell where that’s coming from. I haven’t been getting rapid speech or racing thoughts. My thoughts are more ‘rush’, all pushed to the forefront of my head at once.

So that was good and this behaviour continued and I spent early morning Friday organising my room, Friday morning organising, Friday the energy was directed towards my history test and Friday afternoon – welcome back rapid speech and thoughts and a lot of energy. Although on Friday, I got out half an hour early and if we had left then my dad and I wouldn’t have gotten caught in the snow and traffic but we had to get my brother and so we did. We went straight home, we live up a pretty steep hill and so it’s difficult to get up when it’s snowy so we had to go the other way but we couldn’t get up that way either, not without help. Firstly, when trying to get up the steep hill we had to sit in the boot with out legs dangling out which manic me didn’t see the danger of trying to lean out. That failed. So we went up the other way, secondly,my brother had to direct as my dad got the angle and then thirdly, we had to bounce on the boot we our hands and so dad reversed and this time he got up quite far. Problem arises. Whilst I had the energy my lungs can’t handle exercise so the running was no good for me. I had to run to the car, surprisingly I am physically fit. I don’t get stitches or leg pain after running, I just can’t breath and so I stay slow. Running is not a good option for me. So we got to my dad who got stuck 3/4 of the way there and we had to help him align the car again and get the snow from under the wheel and he took off again and got to the top of the hill. Smell of burnt rubber and exhaust fumes fille the air and my brother was quivering what with the snow with was about 10cm deep due to the way had left the snow form at the sides and so we ran again and when we got to the car for the last time, I sat there with a worse migraine than I already had, not being able to breath, taste of blood in my mouth and the feeling I was going to vomit. If it had been light with the sun and all, with my migraine I might have died.

I wondered why the blood taste is: “You get the bloody taste in your mouth because your airways, your trachea and bronchial tubes, get inflamed. It is an autoimmune response that is most likely induced by the heavy breathing…. in bouts of maximal exercise mucous membranes become slightly more permeable (allows gases and liquids to pass through) and therefore you get the taste of blood.” Here’s my answer. The fact I have panic attacks does not help my overall ability to exercise whatsoever. It took me a while to recover, if it wasn’t for my lungs I’d be able to run farther for longer. My dad wasn’t that nice to me about it, he didn’t say anything nasty. He just didn’t say anything at all.

Saturday we stayed in because we couldn’t drive anywhere without getting stuck but Friday night/Saturday morning I did something implusive because of course mania had reared it’s head again after the whole exercise episode… the only thing to stop a manic period *makes mental note*. But mania got me back, brought the implusivity and I pierced my own ears. You may be thinking: “that’s not that bad.” Well… you’re wrong. Firstly I still have that ear infection, secondly I used a rusty drawing pin to do it. Luckily I had my tentanus jab two years ago. Thirdly, one of the holes in now infected and possibly the cherry on top of this cake? I don’t really like it. For photos: < go there.

Sunday, I prayed a lot that it would snow so much no school tomorrow. My brother’s school is closed so hopefully and logically mine is too. But bless the little ones who STILL have to go to school for their exam because the exam board don’t care about the weather because they are lovely like that. I’m not going school anyway because “no point taking one of you and getting stuck” but since my brother’s school is closed and my school closed half an hour twice last week, I don’t see my school being open.

I also walked barefeet in the snow today and that was awesome. I should have taken pictures of my foot print.

JLS has started a blog.

Okay, can I be brutally honest for ONE minute, please.

I know I sound like a bad friend when I say this, but whatever she has to say is not going to remotely help the world. Can I just quote some of the things she posted to prove my point?

basically every teenager goes through the same things over and over sure sometimes you get the odd one who has more or less to deal with but i find people are so consumed by their own problems they cant see whats happening to everyone around them,the exact same thing!! i talk to my best friend about most things but theres some things you cant share for fear of judgement so what better way to get it all out than on here right?”

Honey, you told me about your blog. Now I can read it and judge you. Also, if she thinks I judge anyone she knows me very little. I hardly judge anyone. The only people I probably really judge are rapists, pedophiles, child abusers and well crimes against vunerables who have done nothing to anyone.

Next point: “i find people are so consumed by their own problems they cant see whats happening to everyone around them” – Yes and you are one of those people. Maybe I’m just irritable because of mania because I heard irritabiltiy is the most prevalent symptom of mania with bipolar adolescents.

Most teenagers learn from their mistakes, I seldom find a teenager who repeated some of the mistakes they made again and again. I also think that statement is generalising.

I know, I know, I’m nitpicking. Maybe I shouldn’t hold her to the high standards I see on wordpress or tumblr or me. But it’s going to be comedy and she’ll give it up in the end because she won’t write about her mother, father, family and even if she does, it’ll be the same things that she takes way out of propotion. Which I have done, admittedly on several occassions but I write it eloquently. Her tagline is: “life gives everyone lemons so make a fruit salad n share it out xx” I instantly lose any respect I have for any blog if they put kisses in the tag line. Also that tagline is just paraphrasing the oldest moral statement that people then changed to include vodka/martinis/lemonade which made sense. But a fruit salad? Whatever, I don’t eat lemons anyway.

She also calls her blog “that special blog” – her blog is going to be the same as every other teenage blog out there. Her first post?


21/01/2013 00:24

basically im gunna write a blog about life,what happens in mine and what we can learn from it i mean i may go off track sometime and lose my head entirely but thats the idea at least so yeah thanks xx

The grammar, it’s like grammar died and swag took it’s place. More kisses. No. Who does that in a conversation? When I’m conversing with someone I rarely kiss a person twice when I finish every sentence. I’m not saying never, just rarely… that sounded funnier in my head. Out on my blog it makes me sound like a slut. Okay, maybe I am. I’m probably a bad friend for badmouthing her blog. I’m probably a bad friend for saying she has nothing to say. She probably has. I hope she does. I mean I liked kisses after people sign off on their blogs but after a one sentence blog. No.
If it gets better, I will withdraw everything I said here. By the way, I do love all your blogs. I am not taking any underhanded swipes at them.
On an unrelated note, the reason I haven’t been posting chapters is because I’ve begun to rewrite it because I didn’t like it and I’m going to repost them so they’re better and with an added one. So give me the time.
I hope you’re all enjoying the snow if you have any. If you’re not or you don’t have snow, have a hot chocolate. Calm down. No stresses.

8 thoughts on “Love, lust and pixie dust.

  1. That may be a good thought, some chains, You can’t push the car up hill every morning. πŸ™‚ We can’t use chains here, but we have snow tires which are great. of course we have had little snow this year for some strange reason.

    Oh once was on last night, but will not be for a few weeks now it seems. *grumbles* Dr. F made an appearance.

    • It’d be after school. We go down the hill to go to school. But it’s apparently going to rain soon so that should clear it up plus no more snow forcasted really so it should be fine.
      Global warming, maybe?
      Ohhh, excited to see it. Will see it soon hopefully.

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