I know. I know. I really shouldn’t use the word insanity to describe bipolar. I’m sorry if some of you feel I’m conforming to a society’s views of us, but I felt it gave my title a bit of omph and what is bipolar if it can’t omph our titles up a bit.
I have this friend from New Zealand, she also has bipolar. She asked whether I had skype so we could talk in real time. I did but wasn’t a big fan but I enjoyed talking to her and if she wanted to talk in real time (which is 12 hours ahead of me, we think) then I was prepared to do that. So whilst at school I stayed on skype on my phone but that wore the battery down. I’ve been, well I’m not sure whether it’s mania or hypomania. I usually tell the difference between the two by the amount of energy or speed of speech but today I was just, euphoric and highly wrapped up in my own thoughts. Having conversations in my own head with my own inner monologue. Having obsessions in my own head and becoming catatonic sometimes and being hard to snap out of it just because I get wrapped up in my racing obsessing thoughts. It was like that all day and I just can’t explain it. Never have I been so calm while so high. If anyone has insights please tell me. Is this a bipolar thing? I feel it is because when I talked to my New Zealand friend she said she’d experienced similar. I wish someone would just teach me all about bipolar, unfortuantely there is never one definitive answer with it.
I’m not entirely sure of what the hell happened today, it’s all just a sort of a blur. But I feel like I’m on a higher plain of existence at the moment, like I can see all the things I’ve done wrong and regret and I need to start fixing them. Hence where the title comes in. Whilst on skype this girl I used to be like best friends with came on HS is her initals. I wanted to talk to her yesterday but I felt like it was inappropriate. But today, I just feel I can see everything clearly and that everything is aligning up in my favour and just feel so happy and spiritual so I thought that when I saw her online it would be the perfect thing to apologise.So I did:
I didn’t talk to my psychiatrist, no way is he that helpful. This was actually just a conversation I had in my own head today but I name the inner voice asking the questions my psychiatrist because they seemed to know a lot. Their questions are insightful so it was really more a lie of omission or of insanity. Who knows? The reason I fell out with her in the first place is because I felt she was being uncaring towards my mood swings and just her general attitude towards me was poor so in May I told her I didn’t want to be friends and I think it was a few days after going to the doctors and I think it was just I couldn’t deal with the idea that my mood swings weren’t just a phase I was making them out to be, it was problem, an illness and a long term one at that and just the way she was acting, I ended the friendship and I regretted it immediately but what with being depressed I didn’t have the self confidence to make up but today I feel like I can see everything so perfectly and nothing can go wrong and it hasn’t. We have been talking since I apologised but I think she thinks I’m being too deep and a little weird but I feel really happy and at Peace. Just the right balance. Really spiritual. Whether this decision was the right one and whether I’ll regret it when I come back to planet Earth is yet to be seen. I also noticed that when depressed I have more audiotry hallucinations than visual and when manic more visual than audiotory. I wonder what the chemical or psychological reason is for that.