That is what I’ve named what I’m in. The Up and Down phase is the triggered changes between hypomania and mixed episodes. My chemicals take a day or two to stay in mania so I tend to change and it can be triggered or just happen but it’s what happens for a few days. It is a sort of sucky period as hypomania makes me think it is a permanent change and that the happiness is permenant and it’s unfleeting and the drop down is difficult. I know mania won’t be here on Monday which is the last January exam which is one thing I am truly grateful for because I would fail that exam if I was manic but hypomania gives me the unbelievable ability to concentrate on any given task, the thoughts are in a linear, obessive pattern. I have migraines in mania but as long as I take a take migraleve there is nothing stopping me from making a good attempt at the exam.
Worst part though? I’m coming down with the flu or maybe laryngitis or tonsilitus but my lungs hurt and I’ve sneezed several times so my money is on flu. Which is horrible. My dad always says “three days to come, three days to stay and three days to go” when it comes to the flu and so far in my life, I’ve found this to be true. So yes, I think that amongst revision and school and mania I will be dealing with the flu, I’ve never had the flu and mania at the same time. I wonder how that plays out. Either I do something truly amazing or I die, but either way the two have to add up to something big.
My left hand has been hurting and is slightly swollen and stiff and I worry since that’s the arm I self harm on that so I’m worried that I’ve knicked a nerve but looking on the bright side, it is my left hand so I can still write. Although I do get less intense symptoms that are the same in my right hand so it’s probably nerves or muscles or something. I don’t really know. It hurts but I have the flu coming.
I don’t know whether I’ve said this before or I’ve hinted it or what but I have a tendency to go over the top moaning about problems that will get better. So you will rarely hear me moan I am mentally ill (although this blog is a big contridict statment to that) but generally, if we were to meet (and I do hope one day I will come across some of you) and we were to live together (an unlikely scenrio but one I would look forward to having with you all) and I was to have the flu, I will complain every minute you were around until it went away but you would rarely hear me complain about being mentally ill. I might complain about the embarassment of panic attacks or insomnia but it wouldn’t be often. That’s just my way, I can help it but I’m not going to change. Today, I was sitting in maths complaining about being ill (I got a C on my GCSE exam by the way for maths. Disappointed? Yes. Happy it was still a pass? Yes.) and protesting that if I get any iller I want to be burnt at the stake and that I was not to work all day because I am dying. Okay, so maybe very melodramatic. But JLS, who had been all week quite nice. Told me to shut up because she had apparently “had a cold for three years” – I sympathise, I do. But I bet she moaned. I also don’t see how this changes my current flu problem and I hate people or I at least hate it when people do that. Just because you’ve or someone else has got it worse doesn’t change the fact that I’ve still got it so why say it?
JLS is annoying me and I wonder actually how long I’ll tolerate it. I don’t laugh with her like I laugh with SK. With JLS it’s more laughing through shock and nervousness about how she can say some of these things out of her mouth. Like today, it’s Friday. It’s chips and pizza day. It’s the best day. I was walking with JLS, ND and HA and I heard my name called and I looked around and saw SK, MU and AS under the stairs and so we went over. So we were talking and I think the whole thing started with SK commenting on how she could only get ND’s attention when calling us or that SK was just looking at ND, I can’t remember that part but the JLS says something about SK fancying ND and if you’ve read previous blogs, you’ll know the history there. But I’ll repeat because it’s essential to this story. A few months ago a [true] rumour went round that ND fancied SK, ND is a girl and SK is straight. Now SK is not homophobic but she got sick of people asking her about it and being teased so for a while ND and SK had a lot of tension and all of SK and ND’s friends kept their mouths shut about it, there was teasing in the beginning but it stopped when it became apparent it wasn’t a joke to either party anymore. They didn’t talk really without being in a group but finally! FINALLY! Today they reached a place of unprovoked by others conversation! The status quo was returning between everyone and with one sentence JLS took that away “I meant SK fancies you” and then ND and SK get defensive and that was it. But with SK we laughed about the stupidest of things which neither of us took out of proportion and neither one of us would tell anyone else because we saw no advantage. With JLS the same coutesty is not extended.
We live in a gated area so people drive past the gate and when we were giving home, we were driving down this road from the gate to our house and there was this car and it was going extremely slow and looking at us so I told my dad and both mine and my dad’s radar go up because we both automatically think “mother” meaning my mother and her stalking ways. So my dad reverses, the car that was driving slow reverses. Honestly it was like something out of a movie. The cars stopped and a man got out the car and my dad rolled down the window which is when I realised my dad knew the man. This man unsettled me, he was leaning in from my side of the window and he was staring at me and kept long eye contact with me until I turned away and looked at my dad because I can’t stand socially awkward situations, especially one where the man is creepy. When the man left, I said to my dad: “He’s creepy, don’t you think?” to which my dad answered: “he’s a used car salesman, they’re all creepy”. I know what he means but this wasn’t the sort of sellers tactic creepy this was lock up your daughters creepy. It makes me question whether I have a Lolita-esque thing about me. I mean there are so many different interpretations of Lolita (the book) but the one thing we can agree on was Lolita had a way of attracting older men (not that she could help it) and by God, kill me if that is true of me.
I haven’t much planned for the weekend. Get up to date with responding to people, I tend to get lost in my own world and forget that I need to reply to emails and other means of communication. I also need to revise for the exam. Shop for food. Snow has been forcasted and my dad’s famous line is “I’m not panic buying but if we get snow, we can’t go and shop for food”. It of course means, he is panicking a little and he thinks there will be snow. Albeit it’s been colder recently but I don’t see snow, the forcasted snow for three weeks. three weeks. three weeks. If only. If there was snow and I was manic that would be the best thing ever. Snow, manic, flu = possible deadly combination? right?!