The past two days.

I don’t think you will ever see more explict emotion in a group of people than during in an exam. I also don’t think you will see it transition so quickly. From worry about failing, to confidence it sounds right, to despair as you think you haven’t enough time and as that cycles through, the look of relief people have when the papers are taken away from them is extrordinary. I watched people during the exams and just watched their faces. That is right, the four English exams are all done and am I ever relieved. I’m relieved they’re done. But how the last two days have been for me are really truely awful.

Starting on Tuesday night, I had a dissociative episode and we all know but I was in a mixed episode and it’d been a long time since I had one and I was probably due for one. I was annoyed because I had planned to revise in that time. But it was a one time thing and I probably deserved it for not revising earlier. In that exam, I knew the structure. We’d been over it the day before but it completely left my head. For the first question, the extract question you’re meant to write an introduction, which I didn’t and put each point into paragraphs which I forgot and I realised when I looked at the person sitting next to me and seeing their structure and realising what I did. So I sat there, eyes brimming with tears, heart pounding with the immense feeling of giving up and just not doing it but I picked myself up and told myself that if I didn’t do it then I’d end up doing it again and it’d still be marked so I might as well just try and so I did and admittedly things got easier on the second question. I mean like anxiety wise not so much knowledge wise. But I thought, I could go home watch some awesome but in a way relaxing TV program and possibly sleep and go to school the next day and have two hours of exams starting at 9am. But I couldn’t be more far from the truth.

I went to bed pretty much as soon as I got home as I’ve been going between mixed episode and hypomania and I had just had an attack of anxiety in an exam and I had migraine in the exam which was making sight difficult and I just needed to rest. But I didn’t really so after dinner I tried sleeping again. This is what happened with the dissociative episode last night I tried to sleep but instead got caught in that period. I do this whenever depressed or in a mixed episode and have been away from my bed too long, I go back to it. I am awake, listening to music, do my dad’s drops and go back to bed. Now, let me explain a key thing with my dissociative episodes. I have in past ones, got up and moved things but that’s it. Any talking I do or any walking I do outside of that is a reaction to stimulus, like Tuesday night. My dad asked me to put his drops in, I don’t remember doing it but it was because he asked me I got up. Likewise when my brother comes in to talk to me, they think I’m still functioning like a human being. Which is why it’s difficult to tell when I have one and which is why I never have to outrightly admit to having one.

Last night, I stayed in bed listening to music as pityriasis rosea is still making me unwell so I didn’t leave. I should really considering I’m in a mixed episode and having racing, depressing thoughts but between my physical and mental health at this point, I just couldn’t do anything. So I put my dad’s drops in and I heard my brother go to bed around midnight and I listened to music but sometime between 2am and 5:50am, I stopped listening to music and went to sleep. The next morning, I was doing my dad’s drops and my dad starts talking about how he heard me about last night I got up at 5:50am and brushed my teeth and when I got up then dad asked me the time. So back to the drops,I was talking about how he shouldn’t be on the phone so late and I asked why he had his phone on so late talking to my sister. My dad then told me he wasn’t on the phone to my sister to which I protested he was and that they were talking about my brother. He denies that he was on the phone last night. After a short pause, he began to talk about me being up and I asked: “Wait, when? When you asked me the time?” and he said “no, earlier than that”. I honestly didn’t remember. I didn’t think I got up but when I got up at 5:50am, I was putting cortisol cream onto my rash and had a rush on the top of my left leg, I tend to lie on my right. It wasn’t one of the small bruises I tend to get, it was a big one and when I saw it, I couldn’t explain it, so I left it and thought it was just an unexplainable but usual thing. Everyone gets random bruises.

After a small argument with my dad about it, I changed. When my brother left the car for school, I asked my dad again. He changed his mind and said he was unsure whether I got up and thought he might’ve been disorientated. If he had any sort of drink or drug, even cough medicine. But he was completely, sober. I know he was, he didn’t exhibt any of his usual drink behaviour and he can never have just one. He was so sure in the morning, coupled with the bruise and the imagined (possible hallucination) of a phone call. I left the car agitated, angry and just overall upset. Perfect exam mood.

The exam had today was easier so a lot less stress, the first exam was answering questions on two articles and comparing and contrasting them and the next was writing two pieces of non fiction text; one being a speech to get people to come see a play and the other was writing a letter to a friend or relative giving our opinions on their decision to become a teacher.

I thought about why I had these dissociative episodes, then I realised why. Stress induced. Tuesday night was perceived failure and perceived anxiety. Then Wednesday night after the anxiety attack I had, it was evidence to the perceived fears and so it was worse but if my idiotic mind wanted me to feel less anxious it should have not become dissociated and let me revise, but of course. That’s not the way these things work.

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