Going to a shop and shopping (well, what else would you do in a shop?) is easy. They go in, they shop, maybe bump into a few people they know, pay, go home. For me, different story. I have to predict how anxious I am and how anxious I will become, like now. I am in a mixed episode and with me depression is the more promient one, I think a lot of people find one mood dominates mixed periods. I become very frustrated usually leading to blackout rages, anxiety, racing thoughts that are depressive and all of this usually leads to me feeling very suicidal which because of the extra energy I have it means I feel like doing something about it but after the last time I tried, I regretted it so it’ll take a long period of depression and mixed episodes to make me get to that point again. Anyway, so based on mixed episode, weakened immune system, overall unwell feeling due to pityriasis rosea and crackling ear which is driving me crazy I took a diazepam. Now diazepam is good, it was prescribed to help me sleep, it didn’t but it supressed panic attacks but not the feeling of anxiety so if I was going into a crowd (due to the small crowd that triggered it in the doctors I have no idea the size that causes it) so I thought I should take one.
I’ve always had a sort of avoidant personality of people. I won’t go to a cash till and pay for myself and if I am forced to I will get really nervous and even now I still have that, I mean even now I can’t stand when teachers check my work, I don’t know if it’s a fear of critism or what but I can’t tolerate it as a point of protest I will stop working. So I get my brother to pay for items on the pretense I am childish and want to wind him up, I’d love to explain how nervous I feel around people at checkouts but I just can’t even express it in words. But then we meet up with my dad and go to a big shop to do the weekly shop, we came in and I was fine but full of anger and frustration with constant snapping at people I forgot most of what I usually buy. I get everything aside from fruit and vegetables because I don’t know what we can and can’t buy due to the fact my dad shouldn’t be around steam and the fact that I have a predisposition to get the shakes, being around hot water isn’t the best thing for me so I tend to avoid it.
We were halve way through the shopping and the familar light headed, stuffy, sweating and shortness of breath came. Hello anxiety. I didn’t thankfully break out into a full panic attack but due to the fact I couldn’t leave my dad because he couldn’t lift of bend still I didn’t go outside like I wanted to. I stayed but this made my temper worse. I wanted to leave and couldn’t tolerate the slow walking of either my brother and dad or passers by. Whilst I do think my actions and yelling at everyone was totally out of line, I think it’s quite out of line for people to walk as slow as a snail in the middle of an aisle. If you stay to the side, walk slow or pause I can’t really justifiably get mad because you are thinking of the public and leaving space for them but walking the middle is just rude so whilst I apologise for the way I went about making you move, you really should haven’t of been doing it in the first place. I quickly sped around and we got to the till, my dad told me to go outside but if he strained himself and that caused damage to his eye I’d never forgive myself, so I stayed.
The problem with this is what happens to me after a surpression of a panic attack. It’s like when you punch someone. You’re angry, it’s building up and you need to get rid of this energy so you punch someone and just like that the anger is dissipated. It’s gone. If you didn’t punch someone or something, the anger rattles around and you stay like that for hours and take it out on others until you finally realise that you’re overreacting. I’m not advocating you punch someone, not by any means but I’m just using this example. it’s the same deal. If I don’t have a fully fledged panic attack, drug surpressed or not, the anxiety rattles around meaning I will be prone to have one at the slightest bit of anxiety, making me jumpy and easily startled and causing all the awful physical symptoms meaning that even if I had a nap (a nap usually will reset me after a panic attack) the feelings won’t go.