Doctors

I was awake all night, so when I heard my dad about this morning. I got up and did his drops. But I decided last night I didn’t want to go to the doctors. I just didn’t. When I told my dad this morning we had a massive row about it and well long story short, I said I would go because I didn’t want the blackmail or it being used as a reason later. Then we had another argument because I wouldn’t take my pajamas off  and he thought I looked stupid and didn’t want to be seen in public with me wearing them. So I lost my temper and changed my trousers into jeans. I was depressed and I didn’t even want to leave the house let alone get changed.

We went to the doctors but the doctor was behind and slowly the room began to fill up with people, I spent most of my time just playing with an elastic band but when I looked around the room and realised how full it was; the panic attack started. I know the difference between a panic attack and a heart attack and I have always known because we watched numerous videos in science so there was never a concern. But I felt anxious when I woke up but the doctors is never THAT full so I didn’t think to take a diazepam. We were then called in and my panic attack slowly began to subside.

My doctor examined me and he said “You trying to make my job harder?” That was in reply to the fact I wasn’t going to get unchanged. I had numerous reasons why I didn’t want to but I showed him the most important parts. He said it’s Pityriasis Rosea. I smiled. Why did I smile? Because I had already self diagnosed that several days ago. I watched this slide show of skin ailments and mine fitted perfectly with that. Another possibility was hives but pityriasis rosea was more likely because I had a ‘herald patch’ and he said I “probably have it because you caught a virus and your immune system was too weak to fight it” – I could have also figured that out because I don’t sleep and have been depressed for almost a month due to the fact my depressed period are getting longer. There was nothing he could do and told me that it usually disappears on its own in 12 weeks but looking at the NHS website it could also take 6 months so that’s annoying.

He then checked my ears and said the lining had worn off still and part of the reason was I bought it off with using ear buds to clean them. I felt my doctor was very patronizing about this because he kept saying I was cleaning them when I told him they were itchy so I used them to itch. It is a vicious circle but I just didn’t like the way he treated me with that. He gave me otomize spray. I was going to mention my back but I realised that my back always felt better after I’d slept and slowly got worse over the day when the sleep wore off and since he can’t prescribe me any stronger sleeping medications I didn’t see much point in mentioning it.

When we got out I told my dad: “You think I’m being childish when I say I don’t want to come to the doctors or I don’t want to go to school but imagine being me. Imagine being so scared of having a panic attack in a crowd you become scared of people generally. That’s why I don’t like going to places. I don’t like leaving my bed full stop but having panic attacks is also a scary part of it”. He apologised.

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18 thoughts on “Doctors

  1. i feel for you. i am just coming out of a major depression and first hospitalization since my 20’s. I don’t have panic attacks, somehow that passed me over. Our families want us to feel better and they do some misguided things sometimes, to that end. You’re a good writer and I appreciate your blog.

    • I want to start off by saying thank you for commenting and also thank you for the support.
      Major depression is horrible and hard, I am glad you’re coming out of it and I hope it’s onto a better period. Like ‘normal period’ if you have that. If you are going onto mania, hypomania or a mixed episode I wish you the best of luck.
      That is one bit of good luck (if a person can call it that) that you don’t get them. I only have them with depression or mixed episodes. During mania my anxiety disorder just pauses during that time.
      That is true, I appreciate every bit of anyone’s (including my dad’s help). I think it’s a learning curve for both sides. The person with bipolar has to learn how to deal with people’s misguided attempts at helping or no help. Whilst the families of bipolar people have to learn that not everything they do is considered right, whatever the intention and obviously they have to learn how to cope too.

      • Yes the family has to learn how to cope, and the fine line between interference and support. I think I am in an “ok” time but I do a lot of rapid cycling, I have a lot of hypomanic moments. I will take “ok” whenever i can get it and if I feel like I’m getting manic i will head to the doctor as I know there’s a huge price to be paid for everything that goes with mania in lost finances, friendships, jobs etc. It’s very hard though as i don’t always have the insight as to my state.

        Sorry if I am over-sharing, I am just happy to be able to talk to others sometimes 🙂

        • That’s true and it’s just a process of trial and error to find where that line may be.
          I rapid cycle as well so I know the problems with it. ‘ok’ time is good, I have it at least once in a cycle for a day and I like it because it allows me to just see everything. Hypomanic moments are somewhat good. They’re not as damaging as mania but have some of the good aspects; increased energy, creativity etc that allow function. I hate mania for all those reasons. Losing the things that keep you grounded and the worst part is it can make you feel guilty and if you go straight onto depression afterwards it just makes depression worse. I go onto mixed episodes after each period. The mixed episode after mania lasts less than the one after depression; it’s odd. I hope you don’t mind me asking but do you have mixed episodes?

          You’re not oversharing, I really appreciate talking to you too. It in someway makes it easier talking to others going through the same thing because we understand it.

          • Yes I do have mixed episodes, very much so. But isn’t that characteristic of rapid-cycling? I can have mania and depression in the same day. Some of it is just leftover bad thinking though. I think I can actually BE ok, but just have leftover depressed thinking, and I have to remind myself that I’m actually ok, and things have changed, and are actually a lot better. I’m a lot less depressed now because I am a lot less stuck since I went into the hospital. Somehow that un-stuck me, that and being in therapy I suppose. It’s probably a lot of things, I don’t know, but man am I ever GRATEFUL to be un-stuck after seven years of running (sludging) in place in a vat of pea soup.

            • Not always. I know one person with rapid cycling who has no mixed episodes. But everyones different.
              That’s true but it’s healthy you can think that and be able to realise that at that point things are better.
              That’s good that you are a lot less depressed, least the hospital was helpful in that respect. How do you find therapy?
              I’m so happy and glad for you that you are now unstuck after 7 years. It’s a long time to suffer. I’ve had rapid cycling for a year and a half probably because it went untreated. It’s difficult to pinpoint when it started for me because growing up I’d have periods of depression (and even panic attacks) and then I’d be alright again; back to normal. They were quite long away apart and my psychiatrist thinks that could be part of it but it’s so difficult to tell the precise time but least they’re sure now.

              • It’s hard for me to know because i’m still learning to identify my disease. Wow what a relief to find people to talk to about it. I am in a group therapy but it’s just for mental health not specifically bipolar. I do find a lot of support in it though. I am also in individual therapy and i really like it and the therapist a lot. The group will end within the next month but I see myself staying with the individual for at least the next six months or longer if the blasted insurance doesn’t run out.

                • So am I. It’s a difficult process. I’ve turned to literature and not just that outline bipolar medically, autobiographies as well.
                  It’s even harder for me at the moment because: I went to this psychiatrist I had to pay for ad he said: “it’s rapid cycling, that’s obvious” and went onto say “I think it’s mixed affective disorder” which after some research on the internet, it doesn’t really exist. It used to be a subcatergory of it but it’s changed and really it’s bipolar 1. I also have a free psychiatrist provided by the NHS and well, I don’t really like him. He decided almost immediately that I don’t have bipolar disorder because I’m under 25 and I’m not looking for a diagnosis but I think it’s wrong that he makes diagnosises based on age. Anyway due to finanical situation the paid psychiatrist told me to stick with the free one and to take control over the conversation. Problem is the free psychiatrist just doesn’t allow me like the first time I went, he wanted to talk about sleep. Fair enough. But he wouldn’t let me talk about moods even though it was in relation to sleep. So he gave me melatonin and when that didn’t work after several upped doses, he stopped even trying to fix it. So essentially, he won’t diagnose me (the other psychiatrist did it in 3 meetings), he won’t give me any medications (not even stronger ones for sleep) and he won’t let me air my issues. So now, I know what I have but I haven’t been officially diagnosed it by the person who needs to.
                  How do you find group therapy?
                  I hope your insurance does last. Therapy is very important as well.

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