I was awake all night, so when I heard my dad about this morning. I got up and did his drops. But I decided last night I didn’t want to go to the doctors. I just didn’t. When I told my dad this morning we had a massive row about it and well long story short, I said I would go because I didn’t want the blackmail or it being used as a reason later. Then we had another argument because I wouldn’t take my pajamas off and he thought I looked stupid and didn’t want to be seen in public with me wearing them. So I lost my temper and changed my trousers into jeans. I was depressed and I didn’t even want to leave the house let alone get changed.
We went to the doctors but the doctor was behind and slowly the room began to fill up with people, I spent most of my time just playing with an elastic band but when I looked around the room and realised how full it was; the panic attack started. I know the difference between a panic attack and a heart attack and I have always known because we watched numerous videos in science so there was never a concern. But I felt anxious when I woke up but the doctors is never THAT full so I didn’t think to take a diazepam. We were then called in and my panic attack slowly began to subside.
My doctor examined me and he said “You trying to make my job harder?” That was in reply to the fact I wasn’t going to get unchanged. I had numerous reasons why I didn’t want to but I showed him the most important parts. He said it’s Pityriasis Rosea. I smiled. Why did I smile? Because I had already self diagnosed that several days ago. I watched this slide show of skin ailments and mine fitted perfectly with that. Another possibility was hives but pityriasis rosea was more likely because I had a ‘herald patch’ and he said I “probably have it because you caught a virus and your immune system was too weak to fight it” – I could have also figured that out because I don’t sleep and have been depressed for almost a month due to the fact my depressed period are getting longer. There was nothing he could do and told me that it usually disappears on its own in 12 weeks but looking at the NHS website it could also take 6 months so that’s annoying.
He then checked my ears and said the lining had worn off still and part of the reason was I bought it off with using ear buds to clean them. I felt my doctor was very patronizing about this because he kept saying I was cleaning them when I told him they were itchy so I used them to itch. It is a vicious circle but I just didn’t like the way he treated me with that. He gave me otomize spray. I was going to mention my back but I realised that my back always felt better after I’d slept and slowly got worse over the day when the sleep wore off and since he can’t prescribe me any stronger sleeping medications I didn’t see much point in mentioning it.
When we got out I told my dad: “You think I’m being childish when I say I don’t want to come to the doctors or I don’t want to go to school but imagine being me. Imagine being so scared of having a panic attack in a crowd you become scared of people generally. That’s why I don’t like going to places. I don’t like leaving my bed full stop but having panic attacks is also a scary part of it”. He apologised.