So yes, those are the nightmares I have and they are horrible. Imagine having to relive the worse night of your life if you slept more than 3 hours and that’s the worse part; I am the one sleeping 3 hours. No one is making me. It then makes me angry at myself for sleeping so long and then I just get angry at the man who caused it all because he’s making me feel this way. My heart starts beating faster from the anxiety, I’m soaked in sweat, I’m panicked and I haven’t even left the confines of my bed.
The day I went back to school after all of the abandoning happened. I got in and I was okay, I was feeling fine. Our form tutor wanted us to go down to the drama studio, meaning we must have gone back on a Wednesday as Wednesday is when form time was. I stayed behind, I always get paranoid people are going to touch my things and I didn’t want to do drama things anyway so I went to the back and my friend, Alex waited with me and I just started crying. I can’t explain what came over me, just tears streamed down my face and I had to quickly explain to Alex what happened and get my game face back on. Which at the time, I was surprisingly good at holding my composure. But that was it.
Some of the things I found difficult was the mundane, everyday things. I had never done my own hair before so for a whole I kept my hair down, not that it was a fashion choice. My hair was up to the length of my upper back and was brownie, blonde colour. Time management became a difficulty as I just couldn’t do anything without being told.
I thought, that would be the last time I would have to see my mother. But it wasn’t, I saw her in April to get my things. I was used to having to pack under a certain time frame as I had to do it many times before and I was more sensible than my brother. I told him to pack his game console first as to him that was most important and I packed my things, some clothes and some towels. Well, I say packed… I did pack them but technically I stole them but she threw us out so her throwing us out against me stealing her towels, evens out… right?
One of the things I regret taking were the dogs. I suppose I took them to spite her and I did miss them but more to spite her. Maybe I was bitter for a few months afterwards; I know now why that was. I hadn’t distanced myself from the situation, it was still fresh and I needed time to heal and get an outside look on it.
That wasn’t the last time. My mum had my dad do some money tricks so she could still claim money from the government and since if my dad didn’t do it he’d lose any chance of seeing us whilst we were there, he did it. But because we were with him. My dad made my mum a deal, let him keep the few grand and she doesn’t have to pay child support. May I state here that my mum got money from the government because “she didn’t know who my dad was” which is child support essentially, whilst also getting £200 from my dad every month. Without fail. So what my dad was offering was a sound deal but she couldn’t accept it and came to my brother’s school.
I went to high school and my brother went to primary school. He got out at 3:15pm and I got out at 3pm so I had to hurry to the car and we’d have to rush across town and we would be there by 3:30pm and during that time, my brother could go to the shops with his friends or by himself and see the new trading card or sticker that was out and come into the car and beg dad to get it and since he had to wait my dad relented due to feeling bad. It was a good, working system. But one day, my brother gets in the car and just absent mindedly says: “I saw Godzilla and druggie at the gate” – we called my mother Godzilla and my older half brother on her side, druggie. Then I’m sitting in the car and I hear a tap on the window, my first reaction is that it is one of my friends from school who had gotten off the bus there and wanted to embarrass me in front of my dad and brother. I looked and before I had processed who it was, I blacked out. Just for a few seconds and when I came round I was told to wind down the window and an argument ensued. I didn’t listen, the area was surrounded by my friends and my brother’s friends and this may have been a displacement reaction but I found myself just angry she did it in front of everyone we knew. My dad drove off and they followed and because my dad never gave “the true address” he just went around the country side, until he got to a place he could easily drive away from but them in a petrol car couldn’t, he got out and got a crowbar and threatened to hit either them or the car and they backed away and we drove off and they were unable to follow us.
The sad thing is, I enjoyed it. For the entirety of 2009, something dramatic was happening and it was probably the best distraction someone could ask for because it’s not that I missed her and it’s not that I was depressed about not having a mother in my life anymore. I was just filled with an anger and hate I had never felt before and I needed to learn how to control it and luckily there was something at hand to project my anger onto; friendships. That year I also managed to screw up all my friendships but gain new ones whether they were better I don’t know. Near four years on from everything that happened, I can’t decide whether the mistakes I made that year were worth it.