Have you ever had one of those days where if you didn’t get up and do something you’d drive yourself mad? Well that’s been me recently. I’ve been spending all day in bed, not sleeping but depressed and the lack of motivation just makes staying in bed the preferable option. It’s only 6:30am here so no one is up yet. My brother sleeps all through the night; he has a very good sleep cycle. My dad after hearing that his retina is attached and that everything he is experiencing is normal managed to sleep 5-6 hours. Which considering his age is normal amount for him to sleep. I only sleep one hour at the moment because I’m not doing anything, I had to go shopping today so I could probably get two hours. But I’m trying to reset my body clock so that the sleep I do have is more midnight time than 9am. So I have to stay up till about midnight tonight and then if my body wants to sleep, which it probably won’t because it is stubborn I will sleep.
Part of the reason for my lack of motivation is having nothing substantial to do. My dad can’t drive so we can’t go anyway. I have some homework which I think I’ll do some on Sunday because it’s mindless writing work that the only reason I’m not doing is because it bores the life out of me and what’s worse than lying in bed letting your thoughts take out is sitting doing something you don’t want to do which is not enjoyable because when it’s something like homework, my mind – well me tend to go down this route: “why am I doing this? – what is the point in doing this if I’m unsure I even want to live? – I’m useless at most things I do, why bother? selfdoubtselfdoubtselfdoubt” so ignoring it and procrastinating is always favoured with me but if I leave it too long I’ll stress myself out. I should also be revising for the 4 english exams in two days I have when I get back and usually English isn’t the easiest thing to revise for but I need to learn how to structure some of it and learn the quotes and the applications of the quotes. I know that when I get onto medication and become stable again I’ll kick myself for not caring about my exams and missing so much school… but who knows how long that’ll be? I want to study psychology in university and as long as I get Cs at GCSE I can get into half decent universities so my natural smartness helps with that. But I don’t want to be a coasting kid. The only one who thinks I’m brave in my everyday life is my dad. He may be a piece of work sometimes with the alcoholism but he’s the only one whose ever expressed any admiration for the fact I’m still getting passing grades with insomnia and mood swings. But when I tell people what I got at GCSE I want to be able to say B’s or higher in most subjects, I don’t want to have JUST got a C. My sociology teacher has basically said she thinks I won’t pass her course. My history teacher is probably mad that I’ve missed 5 lessons of his (would have been 6 but half day on Friday); I might ask someone if I can photocopy the work they did so least I have a rough idea. I will have to text someone nearer the time we go back to school.
I’m not proud of myself but I self harmed tonight. I was just feeling anxious and numb. That’s two nights in a row I’ve self harmed so I have to stop because I’m not going to develop an addiction. Which is probably the one thing I can control. I know a lot of self harmers do it out of hate for themselves; I do it just to feel something, just to gain back some control. Which are cliched reasons admittedly but it’s the truth. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself when everyone awakes; I hope I find something distracting. But much is the discontentment of depression. I think I’ve branched a little out of depression and possibly to paranoia. Sometimes I think what I’m thinking is my own thoughts and not chemical imbalance thoughts. I have a knife in my drawer, not for self harming but protection and it only ever comes out when paranoid. If I’m grabbing for the knife then it’s a sign that I’m paranoid and need to step back. This happens sometimes when depressed and have serious lack of sleep. I only slept 40 minutes yesterday because we had to go out.Then I’m not sleeping again tonight. Though the paranoid thoughts have passed now so that’s something.