How was everyone’s Christmas? I know a lot of people don’t technically count it as being over just yet and for you guys it’s probably not but for the people who aren’t spending it with families or don’t have Christmas decorations up, it is over.
How was my Christmas? Well, I had already bought my presents for myself so they weren’t wrapped up to open on Christmas day. I got some books including another copy of Alice in Wonderland, Sherlock Holmes books and The Perks of Being a Wallflower to replace the copy I lost. I got some DVDs, CSI and Sherlock and a lot of chocolate. But I spent most of the day in bed due to depression. I’ve been spending majority of days in bed due to depression. Today, my dad randomly says to me: “How do you cope?” I look at him rather quizically as I have no idea as to what he’s referring to. He says, “How do you cope not sleeping all night, doesn’t it drive you mad?” This is the first time I’ve actually been asked this question. “Yes. It does drive you mad. I sometimes survive it by watching things or going on the computer but at the end of it all I end up lying in my bed like I do everyday, letting those thoughts take over”. He then goes onto describe that he doesn’t sleep and that he IS depressed and then he mentions that someone on the TV says you should talk to someone about it and he goes onto apologise that, that person is always me. I felt bad for him, I’ve suffered through depression on and off for six years, I’m used to it. Plus I am mentally stronger than him and I wonder how long he will last. His depression is obviously environmentally caused but it leads me onto wonder: what if his depression gets like mine? There is no denying I have major depressive episodes and if his depression is allowed to fester, what happens when neither of us want to get out of bed? What happens when neither of us can function due to it all? It takes all the mental energy of both dad and I to get me out of bed on school days and if neither one can do it, where do we both end up?
I don’t know why I am having such an overreaction to this, I’ve known it for a lot longer than he was prepared to admit but just hearing him say it makes it all the more real. He heard on the TV that winter can be a factor and I begin to explain it can be and then I explain about SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and I lead him to believe it was winter and his eyes making him feel so bad. But he’s been abusing alcohol for a long time, he has depression but I’m praying it’s Dysthymia which I know sounds a harsh thing to wish but it’s better than thinking he will have major depressive episodes. I can’t help but feel like it is my fault. If you listen to sad things, watch sad things, you’re going to feel more depressed. If you have to sit and watch your child suffering with something that can’t be fixed easily and is something that tears them down but can’t be seen through xrays or MRIs and have to know what goes around in their head and you can’t do anything like my dad has to with me it’s bound to worsen any depressive feelings you have. Even JLS thinks she’s suffering from depression and I realise how self centred it is to say that the common denominater here is me, but it’s hard not to see it that way.
I keep feeling anxious recently and it’s very bad sometimes, a constant feeling of panic when there is nothing to be panicked about, I don’t think it’s good for my body because one day my body won’t react when it should do, which sounds ridiculous but I worry about that sometimes. It’s easy to predict but maybe we’ll never really know what to expect with anything and maybe that’s okay because if we knew everything all the time life would get utterly boring. Maybe ridiculous things and the insane keep us sane.
My dad is taking melatonin tonight, I still have some left and I’m not going to use them. I hope they work and so he sleeps, maybe he’ll feel better if he sleeps but I’ll be upset if they don’t. Especially as he’s taking 4, 2mg. So that’s 8mg. 4mg worked on my brother, I’m pretty sure 2mg would have worked on him. So I hope for everyone’s sake they work. I couldn’t bare another insomnic in the house.