Happy Christmas Eve

I start off my post like this because I want to wish you a Merry Christmas Eve but this isn’t so much of a Christmasy post, more a random thoughts post.

I don’t feel like it’s Christmas or even the Christmas holidays. I missed the last several days of school and that’s when you feel it. The immense atmosphere. Everyone just happy defying their chemicals which should be making them depressed because it’s winter. The air of excitement and definace. The teachers want you to work but everyone knows no one is really working to their full potential. I missed that. So I don’t have the Christmas feeling. There is also not a big Christmas tree up and there won’t be a Christmas dinner. I won’t see family. It’s not Christmas like this. It’s just a regular day with a little more wrapping paper.

I’m still dwelling on how school will work out. I like the idea of being alone. Maybe using the time to observe people, like I love doing or catching up on work which I desperately need to do. I know that I’ll wonder how things will work out. But then I remind myself that no one has texted or messaged me asking why I was off or if they already know why, they haven’t asked how my father is. I know on Christmas I will receive many texts wishing me a ‘Happy Christmas’ and I will have to wish them it back but no one really cares whether you do or don’t and it makes me sad that we don’t always mean it but just say it out of politeness. I do mean it when I say it or I at least mean it in terms of I don’t want you to have a bad one. But it’s not just that. I can’t have some of the moments I think I want my friendships to have. They’re not the type of people I want to be friends with. They love to put themselves out to hurt other people. One of the constant ways for me is that they will always call my name when my history teacher around and it may not seem like I big deal but when you beg them not to do it anymore and they still do, I think it’s horrible. I hate that they are all willing to say sexual things to friends of the same gender but treat a real lesbian poorly or look down on bisexuals. I thank them because they initally got me into blogging; well a combination of things did. My internet friend does one and I want a place I can say whatever I feel like without being interrupted. I think I should start that New Year’s resolution early. Just to get it out of my system. I am keeping people from lessons and people who I may not talk to very much but still get on with. Done! It was only 5 contacts but I feel better having done it. I know I’m probably digging my own grave because if I turn on some of these people, they’ll just tell everyone everything and I’ve probably picked a bad time for revolution in my life. But sooner rather than later, right?

I sometimes feel very detached. Today, just detachment. I ran cold water on my hands and I could tell the difference in temperature but I couldn’t feel the water. I hallucinated but they hardly seem like a big thing anymore. It’s visual a lot and when it’s auditory, it’s just my name. Which is a big deal to me but everyone has bigger issues or at least in their mind they do. Telling my dad is a useless in these situations, all he does is state he doesn’t know what to do to help. If that. I think that’s one of the hardest things with all of this. I’m alone in it. My anxiety is quite bad, fast heartbeat, sweating, worrying and they’re all just as bad as eachother and I can’t calm myself down anymore. I’ve been staying in bed a lot which isn’t healthy for me and I haven’t showered in days. I don’t know what it is about depression that causes this.

I’ve been wondering whether getting my mental health sorted will stop the pains I get. Not necessarily in my back. But the chest pain in my back when I lie down. That’d help me feel more comfortable.

I also feel I’m caught in some sort of vicious circle. There’s a belief that abusers are often abused themselves. My mother claimed her father touched her. So her boyfriend touches me. So where does it end? I know the two events don’t coincide; aren’t related. But no one believes my mothers claims and it makes me wonder, it’s always made me wonder whether anyone would believe me. If I told them. My dad didn’t believe her. The aunts and uncles on her side didn’t believe her. But maybe THAT is my purpose in life. To break this circle. This circle where the women put men above themselves, where they let men negatively impact on their children, where some of the women take out their anger through abuse on their children. I like to believe that as it gives me some purpose when depressed.

So why at 5am am I writing this blog? I spent the last 3 hours reading an entire book. I’ve read the book before but since I am going to see the movie, I thought I should brush up. Then when I went to wash my hands before reading ( I don’t know why I do that) the world just seemed detached from me and things didn’t feel like they should. They all felt the same. That made me sad. Then I visually hallucinated whilst reading, bugs all over my bed. Well over my quilt but they went away after a while. Plus the book always makes me feel poignant. I then had to do some research on PTSD because my friend wanted help doing a leaflet on it and I hated doing it because of how much it reminds me of me and then I question good pdoc diagnosis of JUST an anxiety disorder when PTSD is a lot closer to me diagnositic wise. In times of things like this, randomly writing what I’m thinking helps.

But to end this blog on a lighter note. When I was younger, I had a scarred eardrum and was half deaf in one ear so when watching things I put on the subtitles. My ear has been healed for years now and I still prefer the subtitles. I don’t know why. There is just something about reading the words on the screen. What am I going to do now? Get a drink of water, put on a crappy sitcom and relax and hope the anxiety bubbles down soon.

Happy Christmas Eve!


22 thoughts on “Happy Christmas Eve

    • Happy Christmas Eve to you too!

      The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I read it in 2006 but didn’t really understand it what with being young and all, read it in 2010 again and understood it, fell in love with it and then they made a movie of it and I was apprehensive about seeing it because they don’t always do it well but then I decided that it’s been 2 months, I need to see it. So seeing it in the new year but wanted to read the book again. Started it at 12:48am, finished at 3:56am.

      • oh wow a reading binge πŸ™‚ That is when a book is very exciting. I did that with the HP books.

        I don’t think any movie is nearly as good as a book, sometimes they change them sooooo much. It is still nice to see them. But in your mind things are often so different from how you perceive the characters you fight what you see…. noooo he was blond… lol

        *excited Christmas HUGS*

        • I couldn’t do that with Harry Potter, partly because I didn’t have all the books and partly because I was a kid and wasn’t SO into reading.

          I get what you mean. There are a few movies that are better than the books or at least a near eqivalent. Like Harry Potter, I think the movies were done well in comparison to the books. Yes the books were better, but the movies weren’t bad attempt. But then there are some movies and you just want to cry at how bad they’ve done it compared to the books.

  1. which book was your favorite? I liked the first best I think. The sixth second perhaps as it started off a bit funny but ended sad. The last movies for the last book were messed up a lot.

    Did you read the Hobbit?

    • I liked the first one, just because of how it was and how it was good at introducing the whole saga. I also liked the last book. I dno, it’s a difficult question. I did like the last movies, I don’t think they were too messed up. I think they missed some important things out though.

      No, I haven’t. Is it good?

  2. I think we will, I wasn’t going to because the third part isn’t until 2014! But it is in 3d so it will be fun to watch. And I love the popcorn. lol. Gawds. it is expensive though.

    *hugs because I am happy*

  3. Honey it’s NOT OK that your mother’s boyfriend is touching you!!!!!!!!!!! Call the police immediately, if not sooner. This can’t continue. You need some serious care for what you’re going through and you need to make sure you don’t have MORE to deal with in the future!! Oh I do feel for you, you don’t have the support system that you should. PLEASE try to hang in there, it gets so much better as you get older and more self-determined, I can promise you that. I am pulling for you from here.

    • It was several years ago. If it was now I would do something but it happened once several years ago, it’s just I still have nightmares about it and as much as I’d love to get the *insert all horrible names here* punished for what he did, it’s hard to prove several years after the fact and even then it’s hard to prove. I mean just look at the rape debate at the moment what with that girl in America and that student, people hop on the bandwagon of victim blaming and it’s wrong as much as I want to say it’s the society we live in, I’d like to think for the most part it is not society and just several awful, morally corupt individuals.

      • Darn it that sucks. You are right about the victim being blamed, it is very hard to prove. What a crappy situation. I hope you have some good support in therapy. Are you in the UK? I have no idea if therapy is as widely available there as it is here in the States.

        • It does suck, I want to be able to get over it and I’m pretty sure I would be able to if I didn’t have nightmares about it every other night.
          I am in the UK. The therapy situation is difficult here. You can go private which costs a lot but I think insurance covers a part of it. If you receive tax credits, are under 16, are under 18 and get full time education, I think there’s also student discount, unemployed, earn under a certain amount, can’t work due to disability or are pregnant you get all NHS services free including therapy. But most adults who suffer from depression are just put on antidepressants by a GP. I currently get it free but whilst it is widely avaliable to a degree, a lot of people use it so appointments are several weeks to several months apart.

            • Exactly, so it’s not that helpful. I mean, one of the things is. The psychiatrist that was paid diagnosed anxiety disorder, first visit and gave me diazepam for sleep and would also help with anxiety but it only really helps with panic attacks, not the general overall feeling of anxiety. Diazepam unfortuantely though is not something I can take everyday due to it’s addict potential and the only two triggers I know of are crowds and things that remind me of hallucinations. Since I can’t predict when I’ll find myself it’s not really a good solution. It’s a temporary solution for a long term problem. What medication are you on at the moment? (If you don’t mind me asking)
              I do find talking to people on here really supportive, it helps to dish out some of this otherwise I feel I’ll dwell on it and it’ll be my every waking thought.

                  • The nastiest side effect comes from the topamax. My brain is not as agile. Some people call it dopamax. Like, sometimes I get lost when spelling a long word. I get lost in the middle of the word. That NEVER happened pre-topamax. For me though it’s a small price to pay for stability and impulse control. I tried a lot of different meds and it was the only one that helped with impulse control for me.

                    • That’s true it is a small price to pay and I actually do understand what you mean as I have this problem when depressed and more sleep deprived than normal. I also find maths a problem because of this, how do you find maths? I’m glad though that your impulse is controlled because impulse is one of the most destructive ones.

                    • I don’t have any trouble with math, fortunately. Of course, I am well beyond my education years so I don’t know if I would actually have trouble if I were to take a math class. I don’t have any trouble doing computations in my head, though πŸ™‚

                    • That’s lucky and good for you that you can still do maths in your head like that, I tend to stand for about 5 mins working out simple sums. Maybe it’s because I’m not that good at maths anyway, something changed in me about 2 years ago maths suddenly became a foreign language to me even though before I was quite good at it.

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