I start off my post like this because I want to wish you a Merry Christmas Eve but this isn’t so much of a Christmasy post, more a random thoughts post.
I don’t feel like it’s Christmas or even the Christmas holidays. I missed the last several days of school and that’s when you feel it. The immense atmosphere. Everyone just happy defying their chemicals which should be making them depressed because it’s winter. The air of excitement and definace. The teachers want you to work but everyone knows no one is really working to their full potential. I missed that. So I don’t have the Christmas feeling. There is also not a big Christmas tree up and there won’t be a Christmas dinner. I won’t see family. It’s not Christmas like this. It’s just a regular day with a little more wrapping paper.
I’m still dwelling on how school will work out. I like the idea of being alone. Maybe using the time to observe people, like I love doing or catching up on work which I desperately need to do. I know that I’ll wonder how things will work out. But then I remind myself that no one has texted or messaged me asking why I was off or if they already know why, they haven’t asked how my father is. I know on Christmas I will receive many texts wishing me a ‘Happy Christmas’ and I will have to wish them it back but no one really cares whether you do or don’t and it makes me sad that we don’t always mean it but just say it out of politeness. I do mean it when I say it or I at least mean it in terms of I don’t want you to have a bad one. But it’s not just that. I can’t have some of the moments I think I want my friendships to have. They’re not the type of people I want to be friends with. They love to put themselves out to hurt other people. One of the constant ways for me is that they will always call my name when my history teacher around and it may not seem like I big deal but when you beg them not to do it anymore and they still do, I think it’s horrible. I hate that they are all willing to say sexual things to friends of the same gender but treat a real lesbian poorly or look down on bisexuals. I thank them because they initally got me into blogging; well a combination of things did. My internet friend does one and I want a place I can say whatever I feel like without being interrupted. I think I should start that New Year’s resolution early. Just to get it out of my system. I am keeping people from lessons and people who I may not talk to very much but still get on with. Done! It was only 5 contacts but I feel better having done it. I know I’m probably digging my own grave because if I turn on some of these people, they’ll just tell everyone everything and I’ve probably picked a bad time for revolution in my life. But sooner rather than later, right?
I sometimes feel very detached. Today, just detachment. I ran cold water on my hands and I could tell the difference in temperature but I couldn’t feel the water. I hallucinated but they hardly seem like a big thing anymore. It’s visual a lot and when it’s auditory, it’s just my name. Which is a big deal to me but everyone has bigger issues or at least in their mind they do. Telling my dad is a useless in these situations, all he does is state he doesn’t know what to do to help. If that. I think that’s one of the hardest things with all of this. I’m alone in it. My anxiety is quite bad, fast heartbeat, sweating, worrying and they’re all just as bad as eachother and I can’t calm myself down anymore. I’ve been staying in bed a lot which isn’t healthy for me and I haven’t showered in days. I don’t know what it is about depression that causes this.
I’ve been wondering whether getting my mental health sorted will stop the pains I get. Not necessarily in my back. But the chest pain in my back when I lie down. That’d help me feel more comfortable.
I also feel I’m caught in some sort of vicious circle. There’s a belief that abusers are often abused themselves. My mother claimed her father touched her. So her boyfriend touches me. So where does it end? I know the two events don’t coincide; aren’t related. But no one believes my mothers claims and it makes me wonder, it’s always made me wonder whether anyone would believe me. If I told them. My dad didn’t believe her. The aunts and uncles on her side didn’t believe her. But maybe THAT is my purpose in life. To break this circle. This circle where the women put men above themselves, where they let men negatively impact on their children, where some of the women take out their anger through abuse on their children. I like to believe that as it gives me some purpose when depressed.
So why at 5am am I writing this blog? I spent the last 3 hours reading an entire book. I’ve read the book before but since I am going to see the movie, I thought I should brush up. Then when I went to wash my hands before reading ( I don’t know why I do that) the world just seemed detached from me and things didn’t feel like they should. They all felt the same. That made me sad. Then I visually hallucinated whilst reading, bugs all over my bed. Well over my quilt but they went away after a while. Plus the book always makes me feel poignant. I then had to do some research on PTSD because my friend wanted help doing a leaflet on it and I hated doing it because of how much it reminds me of me and then I question good pdoc diagnosis of JUST an anxiety disorder when PTSD is a lot closer to me diagnositic wise. In times of things like this, randomly writing what I’m thinking helps.
But to end this blog on a lighter note. When I was younger, I had a scarred eardrum and was half deaf in one ear so when watching things I put on the subtitles. My ear has been healed for years now and I still prefer the subtitles. I don’t know why. There is just something about reading the words on the screen. What am I going to do now? Get a drink of water, put on a crappy sitcom and relax and hope the anxiety bubbles down soon.
Happy Christmas Eve!