I don’t recognise the face here in front of me.

My dad got my out of bed at 7am to put his drops in. His right eye was filled with blood, pure red. This shocked me, it’s supposed to happen but I just wasn’t expecting it. So I said “hold on, let me have a moment”, I got myself together and started putting in the drops. I got through two sets of drops and just this immense sense of nausea swept over me and I began to feel very woozy, so I quickly put in the other two and ran to the bathroom in case I was sick. I thought it was food poisoning or something because never in my life have I been that woozy at the sight of blood. Not even when my dad essentially cut the top of his finger off by a bicycle chain. I told my dad that I was feeling really ill and I was going back to bed. Dad then left for his check up. Everything is fine and is healing like it should be. I was in bed, with my phone on silent so I didn’t realise that a blocked number (it was actually my dad) was calling me, my brother did though. So when dad got home and his friend was waiting for us. I was pretty mad to find out I didn’t have time to get ready. Which considering I was anxious and depressed anyway, it wasn’t the best thing.

We got into the his car and he tried to make idle chit chat. I tried to continue it to dispell the awkwardness but it eventually went back to silence. Part of the problem was he was listening to music; his daughter singing in fact. She was a good singer but my brain is torn between social ettiqute and depression. Social ettiquete being to make small talk and depression making me want to curl up in a ball and not talk. I don’t see what is so wrong with uncomfortable silence.

My brother and I got out ourselves at the shop and we had to do it ourselves. I didn’t mind; we had a list. We started to shop. Shopping was overall the easy part. I didn’t anticipate how big the crowd was, I wobbled but I didn’t fall down (fall down meaning have a panic attack). I also have no upper body strength so I couldn’t control the trolley but we managed to get everything we needed and remember my dad’s pin code. So all in all it went well. I got my brother to ask about getting my prescription and going to do the lottery because I was just socially worn out.

I was walking past a mirror today and I stopped and I was staring in it, for just a few minutes. I was just dumbfounded, I didn’t recognise me. The tired eyes, the pale skin, the raggity clothes, the pulled back hair style. Just didn’t look like the me from several years ago. I don’t mean the anorexic one because actually they are all quite similar. I mean when I was 12/13, I just used to wear a headband and have long hair, I had colour in my cheeks and skin and my eyes weren’t THAT purple underneath. I don’t really pay close attention to anything when manic so there is no comparison there but it just honestly shocked me. There was a lot of sadness in my eyes and I recognised that and that probably scared me more than anything. I think the saddest part about my depression is that it makes me feel exactly like I did when I was younger and I remember how hard it was for me to recover from it last time but this time is different. It’s a deeper depression with high periods. I know I could make myself feel even slightly better, have a chance of doing something extrordinary if I could just get everything straight but I am off the deep end, just essentially all the time which is why I think my friends are sick of drowning in my sorrow which is why I feel like I’m doing them all a favour by cutting the ones I feel I hurt the most or the ones that hurt me the most (which tend to overlap) out. I figure, on new years day I just delete all the contacts on my phone of the people I no longer have interest in.

But overall today went better than expected. I have to do it next week though, so that sort of sucks. The only thing that has truely irritated me today is my left shoulder. I have problems with the muscles anyway but I’ve been having tingling in the shoulder and the top muscley bit, what’s that called again? I think it’s a trapped nerves. My back also hurts but I’m going to try and focus on the positives. Today went okay.

Side note: New chapter posted here: http://www.wattpad.com/10097121-not-a-girl-not-a-woman-just-mentally-ill-chapter

And on my blog. Enjoy 🙂


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