My dad got my out of bed at 7am to put his drops in. His right eye was filled with blood, pure red. This shocked me, it’s supposed to happen but I just wasn’t expecting it. So I said “hold on, let me have a moment”, I got myself together and started putting in the drops. I got through two sets of drops and just this immense sense of nausea swept over me and I began to feel very woozy, so I quickly put in the other two and ran to the bathroom in case I was sick. I thought it was food poisoning or something because never in my life have I been that woozy at the sight of blood. Not even when my dad essentially cut the top of his finger off by a bicycle chain. I told my dad that I was feeling really ill and I was going back to bed. Dad then left for his check up. Everything is fine and is healing like it should be. I was in bed, with my phone on silent so I didn’t realise that a blocked number (it was actually my dad) was calling me, my brother did though. So when dad got home and his friend was waiting for us. I was pretty mad to find out I didn’t have time to get ready. Which considering I was anxious and depressed anyway, it wasn’t the best thing.
We got into the his car and he tried to make idle chit chat. I tried to continue it to dispell the awkwardness but it eventually went back to silence. Part of the problem was he was listening to music; his daughter singing in fact. She was a good singer but my brain is torn between social ettiqute and depression. Social ettiquete being to make small talk and depression making me want to curl up in a ball and not talk. I don’t see what is so wrong with uncomfortable silence.
My brother and I got out ourselves at the shop and we had to do it ourselves. I didn’t mind; we had a list. We started to shop. Shopping was overall the easy part. I didn’t anticipate how big the crowd was, I wobbled but I didn’t fall down (fall down meaning have a panic attack). I also have no upper body strength so I couldn’t control the trolley but we managed to get everything we needed and remember my dad’s pin code. So all in all it went well. I got my brother to ask about getting my prescription and going to do the lottery because I was just socially worn out.
I was walking past a mirror today and I stopped and I was staring in it, for just a few minutes. I was just dumbfounded, I didn’t recognise me. The tired eyes, the pale skin, the raggity clothes, the pulled back hair style. Just didn’t look like the me from several years ago. I don’t mean the anorexic one because actually they are all quite similar. I mean when I was 12/13, I just used to wear a headband and have long hair, I had colour in my cheeks and skin and my eyes weren’t THAT purple underneath. I don’t really pay close attention to anything when manic so there is no comparison there but it just honestly shocked me. There was a lot of sadness in my eyes and I recognised that and that probably scared me more than anything. I think the saddest part about my depression is that it makes me feel exactly like I did when I was younger and I remember how hard it was for me to recover from it last time but this time is different. It’s a deeper depression with high periods. I know I could make myself feel even slightly better, have a chance of doing something extrordinary if I could just get everything straight but I am off the deep end, just essentially all the time which is why I think my friends are sick of drowning in my sorrow which is why I feel like I’m doing them all a favour by cutting the ones I feel I hurt the most or the ones that hurt me the most (which tend to overlap) out. I figure, on new years day I just delete all the contacts on my phone of the people I no longer have interest in.
But overall today went better than expected. I have to do it next week though, so that sort of sucks. The only thing that has truely irritated me today is my left shoulder. I have problems with the muscles anyway but I’ve been having tingling in the shoulder and the top muscley bit, what’s that called again? I think it’s a trapped nerves. My back also hurts but I’m going to try and focus on the positives. Today went okay.
Side note: New chapter posted here: http://www.wattpad.com/10097121-not-a-girl-not-a-woman-just-mentally-ill-chapter
And on my blog. Enjoy 🙂