Understanding mental illness.

People, generally don’t understand mental illness. A lot of people will try to when they have a family member, but they won’t fully especially if it gets in the way of them.

For example, due to my dad’s eye problem I have to go shopping (like the big shopping for Christmas food and things) with my brother and we’re being driven by his friend. Due to my anxiety disorder, I am quite neurotic with unfamilar things. So going to a store with a strange man causes me anxiety. Doing a shop that everyone will depend on for a week causes anxiety. Just all these things make me panic. I need everything to be planned so I have a structure. Structure and routine are vital to combat anxiety for me. Though the break down in routine is no one’s fault, this means I need structure. So I had to ask my dad about what to get, brands, numbers of things we needed. I needed instructions set down to a T. But this annoys him, he didn’t like being asked all these ‘unnecessary questions’. My anxiety mainly focuses on the social side of things. Talking to strange people always causes me to panic which is why I hate going to pay for things myself. I get my dad to do it usually. I don’t stutter. I just I don’t know how to act. That’s why I don’t like being shoved out of my comfort zone and made to be social with strangers or even just people I don’t know very well. Which is why I am anxious about tomorrow. I will have to go into a shop, knowing I am the most responsible, buy food with a 13 year old, pay to a stranger whilst extending common courtesy and packing food which I don’t know how to do. People have systems. Put all the cold food together and all the room temperature food. I’ll just panic and want to get out there fast so I’ll put it anywhere. Astutely aware that a man is waiting for us outside to drive us home.

As if this hellish nightmare wasn’t enough, my dad asked me to ask HIS friend if he can stop off at the doctors for my iron tablets, then off at another shop to do the lottery. I am 16, so I am legal to do it but it’s a fools game which I choose not to partake in but my dad asked me to do it. So not only do I have to ask a favour off his friend, I have to talk to another stranger to get a lottery ticket probably meaning I need to produce ID and since I haven’t got a passport or a drivers licence I have to produce my school ID where I look like I’d just rolled out of bed drunk. Then if it gets rejected I have to ask my dad’s friend to get it. I also have to get top ups for phones and whilst this may be a simple task for a lot of people, it fills me with a lot of anxiety. Tomorrow is just going to be an absolute battle for me. I have to battle my depression to get out of bed at 7:05am, a feat I can’t even achieve on school days. I then have to promptly get dressed, even though my motor skills are a lot slower when depressed. I then have to fight both anxiety and depression to shop in several different places. Do I get a rest? Nope. I get home and have to unpack, wrap presents and do a lot of other things. I wouldn’t mind but depression just makes me want to lie in bed.

But back to my point, this need I profess time and time again and these unusual feelings I talk to my dad about. I think he doesn’t understand why I feel this way for. I don’t think he understands what these things intail.

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2 thoughts on “Understanding mental illness.

  1. awww munchkin, it will be a tough day. It is easy to say you can do it, but we both know that it won’t change your feelings. Is your Dads friend understanding, do you know him well? perhaps you can chat to him before you go a bit, let him know how it will be tough for you. I know that is hard to do as well, it could make the day go better though. Is your brother supportive? I know only 13, but still, being close to someone you are close to is comforting.

    so close your eyes when it becomes tense and know I am standing beside you and we are proceeding together. Oh and pick a good lotto ticket 😉

    *hugs*

    • I don’t know him that well plus he knows nothing of my condition and he’s not coming in.
      He is supportive, but if I was to have one of my ‘episodes’, he wouldn’t know what to do.

      Haha, we got a lucky dip.

      *hugs*

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