Say it, don’t fake it.

I have a pile of books in my room. These books won’t fit onto a book shelf. There are 15 books in this pile. There are ledges that stick out. A ledge that has trading cards on. A ledge with some jewellery on. On top is a Christmas card and a fibre optic light. It wobbles a lot and inevitably it is going to fall down and I will have to pick it up and try again, each time trying to get the pile of books more stable. That’s how I picture my life at the moment. I wobble all the time and inevitably I will fall apart and then, at that point someone will try and put me back together and fix me, through medication and therapy. But this pile of books has held up against some tough forces and yet still stands strong but the likeliness is, it will fall to a small little touch.

You see why this is a good analogy for me, right?

My dad has gotten back from the hospital and his retina has basically unattached. But we were right, it was PVD that caused it. So he’s having surgery to reattach it and to remove the cataracts from that eye (they wouldn’t do the other one). So he’s going in at 11:30am and won’t be back till probably 4-7pm. I am worried just as I worry about everything but I have to be analytical with things like this and I’ve managed to get myself into a place where I worry if something goes wrong rather than what could go wrong. Otherwise I’m just building anxiety on anxiety and what use it that to me? What use is that to anyone? I’ve had to put depression in the cupboard in my head. It’s there but instead of wallowing in it, like I usually do (not out of choice), I’ve fought it so that it’s not hindering how I help. Being the one to keep everyone from losing it, is a job I’m accustommed to and I enjoy taking that role back occassionally. I miss it.

I’m was annoyed that I have missed so much of school. But, I don’t care. That saddens me that I’ve stopped caring. The depression could be to blame. It probably is but if it’s not and when I’m better, what do I do if that willingness to learn is still gone? I know that now, what I really want to do is to tour and inspire. Maybe join with a group that publizes mental illness.

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