This year has been… pretty terrible actually. I am always contemplating whether the year of depression, anorexia, physical abuse and sexual assault was worse then this. It obviously is. But least I was fully aware of everything happening to me. In my head. Sometimes I don’t know what’s real or fake anymore. Sometimes that’s more scary. I live in purgotory majority of the time, I’m between real life and fantasy. Hallucinations being the cross over. I’m not hallucinating right now but hallucinations sometimes put me at peace with myself. I like it. I mean, we shouldn’t all make sense all of the time. That’d be pretty boring. I sometimes write these posts to cheer myself up and they do. I feel suicidal as I always do during mixed episodes. Self harm is always a big thing in this period. I think I should stop. I have an addictive personality as majority of my life proves.
What I think is sad though. Is I know how my life ends. I don’t know the date, the time or the age I’ll be. But I know how it ends. At the hands of myself. I don’t necessarily suicide, too stubborn to go to get help is more likely. I just know that I’ve been burning myself out for 16 years, I constantly and without fail get in my own way. I think the fact I have never grown out of this habit is sad.
I get told, constantly that there are people there to support me. I want support, of course. I could name 3 names I would go to if suffering and only one would immediately reply. By immediately I mean the same day. They’re not family. They’re friends, internet friends which doesn’t make any of them less special. I read a lot of depressive posts a day and you get the same answer. If a boyfriend cures your depression, it is teen angst whether you self harm or not. I believe this is true. If you are depressed (or just claiming to be), tell a friend, councellor, teacher or parent. My parent has his own problems. If you don’t tell you’re friends and expect them to just guess you’re not okay, then you’re going to have a bad time. I told them. The best friend I know to contact during this time lives in Canada (looks in their direction) and the other friend? Well, I texted her today and during a long paragraph I make an off handed comment about not tolerating it much longer and she asks what I mean. I tell her I haven’t quite decided yet. Her answer? (this is whilst she is talking of her own problem before I’ve finished talking about my problem) Directly quoted: “Well just saying suicide isn’t an option! I’m actually beat the crap outta u :p” – if english have taught me anything is how to analyse quotes. “Well just saying suicide isn’t an option!” in my opinion, it is a perfectly legitimate comment to make. I would probably make the same. But really? Threatening to beat a possibly sucidial person? With such poor English? It is really rather offensive and I always feel worse and angry when she says it. Maybe the mixed episode brings in the anger to the equation. The girl I talked out of suicide, she only wants to talk about her problems. I mention my own and she ignores me; literally ignores the texts. Many of you may know this quote: “We accept the love we think we deserve” and at this moment I am accepting love that is bad and I don’t think I deserve it, not anymore. I have to get out of this self hate, self depricating spirial I find myself in. Yes, it is partly to do with depression but I was stuck in the spiral for a long time. I know I expect everything to be done for me or at least be told what is wanted of me but I can’t let it be this way forever.
I know it is 13 days too early. But my new year’s resolution is to get rid of the ‘bad love’. I could make it, to be on some form of medication, to feel better. But they could be unrealistic. But deleting the bad love is the best idea. It’ll hurt me and it’ll hurt them. But it’ll make everyone feel better in the end. I just have to work out who is on the naughty list and who is on the nice. I’m feeling better now, sucidialwise. My back is killing me.