Writing is the window to the soul, unfortuately my window’s dirty.

This year has been… pretty terrible actually. I am always contemplating whether the year of depression, anorexia, physical abuse and sexual assault was worse then this. It obviously is. But least I was fully aware of everything happening to me. In my head. Sometimes I don’t know what’s real or fake anymore. Sometimes that’s more scary. I live in purgotory majority of the time, I’m between real life and fantasy. Hallucinations being the cross over. I’m not hallucinating right now but hallucinations sometimes put me at peace with myself. I like it. I mean, we shouldn’t all make sense all of the time. That’d be pretty boring. I sometimes write these posts to cheer myself up and they do. I feel suicidal as I always do during mixed episodes. Self harm is always a big thing in this period. I think I should stop. I have an addictive personality as majority of my life proves.

What I think is sad though. Is I know how my life ends. I don’t know the date, the time or the age I’ll be. But I know how it ends. At the hands of myself. I don’t necessarily suicide, too stubborn to go to get help is more likely. I just know that I’ve been burning myself out for 16 years, I constantly and without fail get in my own way. I think the fact I have never grown out of this habit is sad.

I get told, constantly that there are people there to support me. I want support, of course. I could name 3 names I would go to if suffering and only one would immediately reply. By immediately I mean the same day. They’re not family. They’re friends, internet friends which doesn’t make any of them less special. I read a lot of depressive posts a day and you get the same answer. If a boyfriend cures your depression, it is teen angst whether you self harm or not. I believe this is true. If you are depressed (or just claiming to be), tell a friend, councellor, teacher or parent. My parent has his own problems. If you don’t tell you’re friends and expect them to just guess you’re not okay, then you’re going to have a bad time. I told them. The best friend I know to contact during this time lives in Canada (looks in their direction) and the other friend? Well, I texted her today and during a long paragraph I make an off handed comment about not tolerating it much longer and she asks what I mean. I tell her I haven’t quite decided yet. Her answer? (this is whilst she is talking of her own problem before I’ve finished talking about my problem) Directly quoted: “Well just saying suicide isn’t an option! I’m actually beat the crap outta u :p” – if english have taught me anything is how to analyse quotes. “Well just saying suicide isn’t an option!” in my opinion, it is a perfectly legitimate comment to make. I would probably make the same. But really? Threatening to beat a possibly sucidial person? With such poor English? It is really rather offensive and I always feel worse and angry when she says it. Maybe the mixed episode brings in the anger to the equation. The girl I talked out of suicide, she only wants to talk about her problems. I mention my own and she ignores me; literally ignores the texts. Many of you may know this quote: “We accept the love we think we deserve” and at this moment I am accepting love that is bad and I don’t think I deserve it, not anymore. I have to get out of this self hate, self depricating spirial I find myself in. Yes, it is partly to do with depression but I was stuck in the spiral for a long time. I know I expect everything to be done for me or at least be told what is wanted of me but I can’t let it be this way forever.

I know it is 13 days too early. But my new year’s resolution is to get rid of the ‘bad love’. I could make it, to be on some form of medication, to feel better. But they could be unrealistic. But deleting the bad love is the best idea. It’ll hurt me and it’ll hurt them. But it’ll make everyone feel better in the end. I just have to work out who is on the naughty list and who is on the nice. I’m feeling better now, sucidialwise. My back is killing me.


7 thoughts on “Writing is the window to the soul, unfortuately my window’s dirty.

  1. nods, and you talk to your friend in Canada when you get these thoughts, not after they are gone or she will smack you. šŸ˜‰ (points out this was grammatically correct so you have to listen šŸ˜‰ )

    awww, munchkin, I know it is a terrible year, I am not going to lie, that you are not going to have some battles too. BUT I AM GOING TO PROMISE IF YOU REALLY TRY, YOU WILL REALLY START TO FEEL BETTER. With the battle you are going to have, what ever you put into it, you will get back ten times more. It may be hard, some adjustments, getting use to meds, finding the ones that work, the right dosages, and therapy to help you. It will be a fight.

    give up?

    at 16?

    *shakes my head*. not a chance. you have barely seen life yet, there is so much to see, and you will see it and enjoy it, one day many decades from now, you will look back at this and maybe remember what I said and smile. YOU FIGHT NOW. because YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!

    • Haha, well it wasn’t necessarily the grammar but I think it was probably more the context šŸ˜›

      Med wise, mental illness wise, yes. But just in other terms as well. I can’t wait till this year is finally over, just so I can start again šŸ˜›

      Hehe, the post wasn’t about me giving up. By not tolerating it much longer, I didn’t mean suicide. I meant drastic actions would need to be taken. What they would be I haven’t decided yet;P

  2. Two things – getting rid of the bad love is one of best decisions you could ever make. Be ready for fallout. There will be insults and gossip flying around madly for a while. But if you stay firm (try not to get sucked into it), eventually the dust settles and people realise that – yes it’s true – life does carry on with or without certain people in your life. I did it. Best decision ever. That person was the reason that I did try suicide. And some people say that you can’t “try”, you either do it or don’t. Well, they obviously haven’t tried. I just made one small mistake, otherwise I would have been dead 10 years ago. And it really was a mistake. I had no plans to be alive the next day. I didn’t leave a stupid note or anything. I just made a mistake, and because of that I am alive now. And I am so, so glad that I haven’t been dead for 10 years. Nothing is perfect, but things have changed enough that I do want to be alive now.

    • That is brilliant advice, thank you. I’m glad you’re still alive and I’m sorry someone made you feel so bad.

      i know that some days getting rid of all the bad love will be a decision I’ll regret, but in the end I know It’ll be the best thing for me.

      Thank you for your comment šŸ™‚

      • In the ends it’s gotta be your own choice. That’s just my own experience which I thought I’d share. šŸ™‚ I held onto that bad love for more than 10 years. So, you know, you need to be ready in yourself to make the decision when the time is right. But I certainly have no regrets (after all the dust settled because that time was hell). But now it’s much better.

Leave a Musing...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s