I just saw my dad cry.

There are two things I’ve never seen. Fairies and my dad crying. But after dinner, I went to put my plate on the side. Usually, I’d be too lazy. Too depressed to move. But I heard my dad on the phone and what with being paranoid… I had to listen. I went out, stole some chicken (yet I want my dad to put on weight) and sat and listened. He was talking to my older brother about when he goes into hospital for his eyes, he’ll look after us. His voice was breaking. He was drinking. Though not enough (not that he ever even has even when plastered) to cry. I went up and hugged him and then when he got off the phone, he started to cry. Like properly cry. He said: “I don’t want to go blind, take my leg but I don’t want to go blind”. I almost cried. It’s heartbreaking. Really it is…You all sense the ‘but’ don’t you?
The but starts with the bolded word “when”. He doesn’t know he’s going into hospital tomorrow, so keeping me off school, calling relatives, getting his “affairs” in order seems premature. It’s not like it’s a life threatening illness. I understand the crying. I’m supportive of that. I am not supportive of this dramatic persona he seems to have started. I want him to get his eyes sorted but it’s not like he needs emergency surgery. I don’t really think it’s likely he’ll go tomorrow due to hospitals being stocked up with major surgeries. But I get why he hopes there will be. I feel sorry for him and it broke my heart to hear the ol’ man cry. But what if this is all unwarranted? What if he doesn’t go and I’ve missed school and he’s worried TB for nothing? I don’t think I can tolerate him being like this. Or maybe I’m just heartless…

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