School was brilliant. There’s not much I can say, I just was having fun and it was good. Like it always is with mania and hypomania.
But, I get it… That’s not what you want to talk about. You want to talk about CAMHS. Instead of decribing a monologue of what happened which he didn’t do in chronological order anyway plus I haven’t the mind to deal with big blocks of text.
The waiting roomWe were in the waiting room for half an hour, we were 15mins early but he was 15mins late. I was antsy. Walking, pacing, rapid talking, singing, irritability. Manic behaviour but when the psychiatrist came in, that went down to high hypomania. We walked to the room. I was singing.
SleepThe first question he asked was about sleep and melatonin. Good place to start. I told him: 3 hours, nightmare. He said that melatonin is discontinued. Later on, near the end he said he was going to put me on Zopiclone 3.75mg. I had already been put on zopiclone and it didn’t make me sleep. The GP gave it to me and was unwilling to up the dose and the pdoc said that there’s no point taking it then and didn’t offer another solution. There are lots of sleep medications… Why didn’t he just give me another one?
He finally addressed moods! Fucking finally! Sorry, bad language I know. But I am glad. Even though he did it in a roundabout way. Okay, so one of the more memorable questions: “do you see things like a spade is a spade or do you see like extended flowery bits..” That is what he said. I got what he meant. Which is worse? Basically it’s like saying in a book “do you see the curtains as blue or are the curtains blue to the depression of the character?” I said that I sometimes see a spade as a spade but sometimes see the extended bits. Which is true of everyone. I told him that depression is 3 weeks and mania/hypomania is two. I thought were were finally going to get somewhere. I really did. The questions, so a bit weird, some expected. But then at the end when he was suming up, I realised he hasn’t listened to ANYTHING I said. Not a thing. He says that he believes that whilst bipolar is still a possible diagnosis, he is leaning towards Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I know someone with BPD, we are nothing a like. From the first time we met, he said that bipolar in ‘children’ is rare and I believe he’s now trying to fit in my symptoms with anything but. But he showed me some print outs and was supposed to give them to me but he forgot to give the BPD one. He also gave me one on antidepressants SSNRIs I think they’re called. But he’s going to “take it slow” so I won’t get any medication for a while. I get that, he doesn’t want to get it wrong. But by this time I was just irritated by the fact he didn’t listen. So my high hypomania went to low hypomania with anger and frustration from irritability. I’m not looking for a diagnosis of bipolar but c’mon, BPD is wrong. I looked it up. I have 3 different sites with 3 sets of symptoms.
- Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
- Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
- Wide mood swings
- Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
- Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
- Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
- Suicidal behavior
- Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
- Fear of being alone
- Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
- Marked mood swings with periods of intense depressed mood, irritability and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days (but not in the context of a full-blown episode of major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder).
- Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger.
- Impulsive behaviors that result in adverse outcomes and psychological distress, such as excessive spending, sexual encounters, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving or binge eating.
- Recurring suicidal threats or non-suicidal self-injurious behavior, such as cutting or burning one’s self.
- Unstable, intense personal relationships, sometimes alternating between “all good,” idealization, and “all bad,” devaluation.
- Persistent uncertainty about self-image, long-term goals, friendships and values.
- Chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness.
- Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
- Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.
So ones that come up a lot are: efforts to avoid abandonment – I don’t have that. I don’t feel misunderstood but I feel empty when depressed. Mood swings last a few hours to a few days NOT WEEKS! Unstable relationships, either hating or loving – no middle ground. I don’t love anyone and I don’t hate anyone, I nothing a lot of people. Self image problems, I don’t hate myself or anything associated with that.Okay so I do self harm, reckless when manic and do have paranoid thoughts and dissociative symptoms but not when stressed, they just happen. But temper comes in it a lot, constant anger and I’m not.
I just can’t accept the fact he has not been listening to me so much he thinks I have BPD. I know I’m not a psychiatrist, I know I don’t have the knowledge, but I KNOW me and I can read the symptoms that come up a lot. I know a lot of bipolar people are misdiagnosed as BPD and it takes them years to change said diagnosis and probably another psychiatrist. Now I just have to wait for the other psychiatrists opinion.
But nothing is definite yes.
But I am going to give CAMHS pdoc one last chance. If he doesn’t listen to me next time, then I can’t go back to CAMHS if I still am seeing him.