Mixed episodes and a quick update.

Sorry for my lack of posting and just general lack of contact.

I’ve found the biggest trigger for anger during mixed episodes is frustration and if my computer was not to work; internet was slow etc. I’d get angry and it’d build up so I’d have to let it out in a physical way… Probably punching something and my hand really can’t take that again.I could have done it on my phone but I’ve been just getting buried under work.

I have been frequently fluctuationg between mixed episodes and hypomania but it’ll settle on one soon and that’ll probably be hypomania but at this moment I’m glad, trying to cram in as much sleep as I possibly can (which isn’t much, it’s reducing everyday) but once mania sets in I’ll be lucky to get 1 hour every two days and my body is not going to be happy when mania finishes which is probably good we have two weeks left of school so I have the holidays to recover from it. But hypomania and mania has the be the dominant mood for mania to count as “mania period”.

I have a CAMHS appointment of Monday. Which I’ll probably be in a mixed episode for, again. If I try and stay relaxed over the weekend and not work myself up to much I can lessen the amount of time mixed episode stays – at least in theory.

As for what I’ve been doing with myself, school. Mainly. My grades are slipping. In science I’m getting low Bs to Cs when I should be getting As and Bs. In history I should be getting A*s to As but I’m getting Bs. For the things I can revise for, I do. That’s what sucks. I push through the low motivation and have been trying to force myself into school just to keep up but I’m not getting the grades I want or need. So I’ve been trying to focus on school but it’s easier said than done. I don’t get a lot of support at school, my form tutor said we’d discuss a mentor after the Christmas holidays, so we’ll see what comes of that. It’s hard to deal with changing moods, hallucinations, paranoia AND school work, all at once. Something has to stop (or at least decline) and since I have little control over my moods, no control over hallucinations and no control over the paranoia, school work has to be the one to suffer and I hate myself for it because a lot of people think I’m dealing with everything quite well and I want to be dealing with it well but just because I hand in work on time and up to a reasonable standard of quality doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I have to force myself to do work, any work. Sit there and force myself and it’s emotional and mental struggle all the way but why show people? Why tell someone, especially students you’re struggling when it is much easier to say you don’t care or didn’t try?

My wisdom teeth have started to come through but they’re coming in wrong so I may have to have my 2nd molars out. I also finished the first chaper and have started the second chapter, so I’ll put that up – I know, took me long enough. I finished it Thursday and I’m planning to get the 2nd bit out soon but I did it and I’m happy I did.