So my mood has picked up on average to a 3 and I hope I’m not jinking myself by saying this but I feel mixed episode and mania are close by and 3 is not too bad. There’s hardly any suicidal feelings. Just a lack of motivation and intense sadness and hopelessness as well as being mentally bored which isn’t great but are easier to fight. I’d love it to go up to a 2/1. It’s funny when I’m manic, I love it but when depressed I don’t want it that much just because I know I do stupid things and it does take a lot of energy out of me so physically depression being longer lets me recover from mania seeing as also being sleep deprived it’s not good.
Sleepwise, I’ve begun to feel sleepy a lot like my body has woken up and realised it is tired and needs sleep. So it does send me into this half asleep phases. Where sometimes I do dream but it’s more I’ve been half asleep for half an hour and will vividly dream (nightmares) but it’s easier to wake. Problem is, I’m easier to wake because I’m not asleep so I can in my head get confused between what is reality and what’s not. I bring this up because I had one tonight. I’ve been ill with my back and what with depression, I stay in bed a lot. Though today was different circumstances because I had a dissociative episode where I do things conciously but then snap out of it and after I snapped out of it I was tired and went half asleep. But this vivid dream was odd. I’d had a version of this dream before but it was a good version. It was a pretty fun dream. Everything went right, we (some friends and I) went to shops and I mean everything in this dream was going our way. But in the vivid one, I kept conciously thinking “I know what we’re going to do; I know what’s going to happen next!” Because I remembered the dream and I thought the world I was in then was real. I’m getting caught between two worlds though. The real one which at this current moment of 23:16 I feel very diconnected to and everything seems quite fake. The only things that seem real is my laptop and my bed. The posters, the books all feel fake to me. Which I feel is the two worlds overlapping one another. I have the dream world and the real world. Hallucinations, the feeling everything is fake – robotic and the floaty feeling is the crossovers I suppose. Do I sound off to you? I am. I feel a little out of it. I need to sleep; I want to sleep but this dream world scares me. I was supposed to revise sociology ad I say to myself I’ll revise it in the car tomorrow. But I’ll be cold and I won’t do it till I warm up. All excuses fuelled by low motivation.
I know hallucinations are just chemical changes in the brain but why then are they things we resonate with? Why are the voices family members? Why are the visuals things that will freak us out the most? I seem to hear my dad whispering a lot now to me. Always my dad. So, I don’t find it scary. Just confusing. I can’t exactly hear his words. It’s whispers. At school I know it’s hallucinations and they do tend to be at school. But the odd time it’s at home, I tend to shout at my dad only to realise he didn’t say anything. I could explain I hallucinate his voice but I think he’s in mourning. As much as he may not want to admit it. I could blame it on drink but he’s normal during the day and as my blogs prove it’s been going on for several months where as this whole angry thing has only been going on a week or so. I mean, people get stuck in the stages of grief all the time and some people never leave while others combine the some of the stages. My dad knows he’s dead so it’s a fair chance he won’t go onto bargaining and I’m pretty sure he accepts it and accepts the fact he’s dead. So anger seems the logical stage for him to get stuck at. Which is stage number two. If I was to lose someone I’d get stuck in stage number 4, depression. I have some sympathy with dad’s condition since he doesn’t recognise it in himself and I didn’t recognise the moodswings in myself till after everyone else. It also can’t be easy losing a friend a year. So I understand but why he has to take it out on my brother and I the way he does is somewhat confusing. Since there is not really any specific time period in which a person stays in these stages. I don’t know how long I expect it to last.
Hallucinations is one of the reasons I have come to love Alice and Wonderland so much because beside how its very good with many meanings but I have a more profound understanding of two worlds and the sometimes small but significant clash between the two e.g. the white rabbit in Alice’s world.
I’m looking forward to hypomania; the perfect working mood. The perfect mood. Happy and controllable, it’s the closest I get to my normal self except hypomania is less cynical than normal me and has increased amounts of productive energy.
My back still hurts and I’ve been taking pain killers a lot.
As for the sixth form form. We filled it in and it was a pretty quick process. I don’t like it when people look over my shoulder and I especially don’t like it when they comment. If a teacher does it, I will stop working just because I can’t tolerate it. One of my form teachers did that and I couldn’t stand it, I sat there with my finger hovering over my mouse button waiting for her to leave and she says to me: “Are you just checking it through?” I said yes and as she walked away, I looked at SK and said “I’d wish she’d leave me alone”. I hate it when anyone does it. It’s not a specific thing.
I’m scared to sleep and I know tomorrow night is my last night of melatonin because my dad doesn’t want me taking it anymore because of how scared I’m getting. I’ll still take it because I’m pretty damn tired.