Am I glad it’s the last day?yes, I am. It’s a tedious job and it’s a step closer to diagnosis. My dad said he should of sent it Friday as then the pdoc won’t have two weeks. But I highly doubt the pdoc will be mad at not having exactly two weeks. But he said, the pdoc said that having this will allow him to give a diagnosis that day. So fingers crossed that happens.
According to my mood diary I am on the 17th day of depression meaning I have approx 4 more days of depression. Of course this isn’t an exact science so it could be longer of shorter. Though maybe if it was exactly four days as it would mean people at school would miss my mixed episode filled with anger and the sort of things you lose friends on. I’m also extremely suicidal when in a mixed episode because it’s hard to know in my head where to place this emotion. I’m not an angry person, I rarely hold grudges, I’m passive most of the time so to be in a mixed episode is hard for me. It’s a mix of depression and mania. But rarely a good mix. It’s usually the low self esteem, hopelessness, sucidalness of depression mixed with the energy to do something about it and the irritability that comes with mania.
My back still hurts and the muscles are pulling my neck (make it stiff) which is pulling on my scalp muscles causing tension headaches which is causing migraines. But also, I’m taking a lot of paracetomol for my back which is also causing migraines so I took a migraleve. I know I’m not taking the ‘hardcore’ stuff yet, but I really understand the phrase now:
To offset the shakes
To offset the pills
Which means you’re prescribed pills to stop the side effect (shakes) from another set of pills. So I take migraleve (prescribed pills) to get rid of the migraines (shakes) caused by paracetemol.
I’ve been having a problem with the symptoms of anxiety today. More the physical symptoms of it caused me problems today. I’ve spent all weekend in bed because of depression and my back. I think being in bed can heighten my anxiety symptoms now due to it is the first and last things I see before I have a nightmare and nightmares are just getting worse. I’m also nauseous a lot due to anxiety. But luckily I was at home in bed with the fast heartbeat so I can just lie there and calm down. I didn’t though. It took a while and then I couldn’t remember whether I had homework so I had to get up as well as that I had to print off my mood diary.
Bringing me to my next section. 100% proof my dad is an alcoholic. I printed off my mood diary and needed to staple it because, well I just did. My dad has some drawers on his desk, four drawers. The top one sticks and so I didn’t pull that the full way out but I could see it was just books. The second drawer, Two bottles of vodka. One empty, one only had a quarter left. I thought I’d be angry. I’d be full of rage. Cry, maybe? I didn’t. I wasn’t. I tried to pull the bottle out – for me. I wanted to see whether the way alcohol is portrayed and the very reason my dad uses it to let go of his problems was true. But I couldn’t get it out. My plan was to drink what was left just to see whether it would stop the depression, the back pain and the headaches. But it had lots of books on it and the only way I could get it out was by pulling out the drawer and I had to go have a shower and I hadn’t the strength to pull it out because of my back.I’d like to say this was just a moment of weakness. It was.
But these moments are becoming longer and closer together. Having access to drink and drugs would of course be the easy way to cope with this. I suppose it would be the weaker way too. I’ve waited this long, two weeks more should be easy. But the ifs and buts crop in. “What if the pdoc doesn’t make a diagnosis or give a treatment plan?” “But it could just be once?”
I suppose these are the thoughts stopping me from being angry at my dad. I know, mentally I am in a worse place than him. But I self harm and that’s my secret and he drinks and that’s his secret. He can’t not know I know something and I’m pretty sure he knows I self harm. But we don’t talk about it because whilst he can’t prove a damn thing about my self harming, I can prove his drinking but I know he’ll just get angry and turn it back on me, which is what I’m most scared of. I’m not in a place to be yelled out by him.
That probably makes me a weak person. Scared of her own father. Cliche, much? But for a tiny part I am scared. He’s mostly a nice guy. Just anything about drink sends him flying off the handle. But then I fly off the handle when people talk to me about my mood swings. More when people say: “I prefer you when manic” or “I prefer you when depressed” Like I have some sort of choice. But that is a constant rant for me. But out of interest, does anyone else have that?
Some people prefer manic you because you’re ‘more fun’ while others prefer you being more depressed as you don’t annoy them with talking and just a high energied atmosphere.