Blips.

Blips are those days that don’t fit into regular pattern.
Some of the people I talk to who have bipolar and cycle as fast as me. Yes, three weeks of depression and two weeks of mania is fast. Have this as well.
Today, I’ve been hypomanic with depression in with it sometimes. Like a mixed episode but the moods don’t fit together or ‘mix’ as the term implies. It was hypomania mainly but depression would insert itself in there. They’re commonly found at the end or beginning of a ‘swing’ when hormones and chemicals again flucuate into the next mood. I have at least another week so it is a blip for me. I am back to my depressed self, number 3. Where I should be. Hypomania is probably the best mood. You feel good, you have increased confidence but you have the ability to reason so impulsivity isn’t that bad. So you don’t talk a lot to get in trouble but you get the wonderful motivation that comes with it. Though I still have migraines with them because my brain isn’t used to the rush. I always get migraines with mania and hypomania and I’ve never quite figured out why. If you read the Bipolar Centre post they offered the solution as kindling or chemical surges to explain mania and migraines as well. Sort of an electrical blip in the brain which would explain my migraines but hypomania does give you THE pefect working mood. Which was good considering what today was:

Taster day.For those of you who don’t know, taster day in England is when they let you experience the course you’ll take to see if you like them so you can make an informed decision. My little brother who will start GCSEs (Bless him) had one in the summer. That’s because he’s moving school and they have to have the taster days at a time where workload is slowed. Hence the summer. But we do this today and fill in the form for sixth form this Monday coming. I was one of the lucky ones. Some people didn’t get all the ones they wanted to taste due to space and such and were given ones they didn’t even put on their list. I was lucky. I got 4 of the 6 I put on my list (you only get four) and they didn’t put chemisty which I decided against anyway.
So my first subject was psychology. I knew some of the things he was talking about as I’d read around the subject a bit so I recognised the names of things like multi store model. Shiffrin and Atkison and it was because of that knowledge I got a gold star. No one else got one. It really inflated my hypomania self confidence. The teacher, hilarious. He was down to earth so I felt like he was a person I could learn a lot from. I hope I have him next year.
I then had English Lang/lit which was also good but we also had language (just language) students in our class. So it catered more to language and she couldn’t get the powerpoints up. They say students are unprepared? But I decided I would take it, it’s a good A level and a cross of the two, hopefully the best cross.

Then break and I had law. The teacher was amusing and a nice guy. Law sounds like something that would also interested me. We watched these movies clips from a famous real case (turned into a movie) called the “let him have it” case. It was in the early 1960s/50s – gangsters and gangster movie era.
This was where a 16 year old boy called Chris Craig and the other guy was 19 and his last name was Bentley (who had the mental age of an eleven year old) and they were going to rob a warehouse. Craig gave Bentley some knuckle dusters and he already had a pocket knife, not to down play that. But at this time didn’t just about every guy in possibly the world carry a pocket knife? He only used the knife to jimmy it. But yes, the were on the roof and a member of the public saw them and called the police. One ‘copper’ came and Craig got out his gun after that copper had wrestled Bentley to the wall and placed him under arrest. I’d like to point out that at this point no one was in hand cuffs so if Bentley was really going to cause damage he could have stabbed the policeman or tried to get away but he didn’t. So the police officer tried to stop Craig and Craig had a gun pointed at him and the officer was asking for his gun. So Bentley said “let him have it” and Craig fired and wooned the officer then these other police officers came and Craig had gone crazy with a gun and shot one in the head. Bentely showed remorse of the officer dying. So one officer apphrended Bentley as he was leaned down next to the body and then the wooned officer chased Craig once he’d run out of bullets so Craig jumped but didn’t die and said “I should have killed more of those fucking coppers”. Both boys were put on a murder charge and at this time, Craig was under age and would have been put under jail time “to her majesty’s pleasure” which meant he could be kept in indefinetly. While Bentley who was 19 would be hanged as capital punishment was around.
So obviously it was unanimous that everyone agreed Craig was a murderer. But not everyone agreed Bentely deserved anything as the words “let him have it” meant let the officer have the gun.
Our teacher got us to discuss it in groups and I told them that Craig should be sentenced with murder and conspiracy to commit theft whilst Bentely should have only been charged with conspiracy to commit theft because he didn’t pull the trigger, he didn’t indite it. But they were both sentenced with murder, Craig only did 10 years and Bentley got the death penalty.
But this case led the way for “The Homicide Act” and the diminished responsibilty as Bentley had learning difficulties.
So yes, I found this stuff interesting.
Biology was last and that was also good. We’re going to do things at a cellular level and it’s a highly esteemed course to take. As in Universities love it.

Then I had physics (as a normal GCSE day) and we had a test. SK gets bullied by the boys. She laughs and stuff but it’s quite extreme. This woman came in and asked for me and my physics teacher said “You can’t take *insert my name here*, I like her” I was said “aw” inside my head. So I went to see her later on and it turns out on my coursework I made the stupidest error that would have made my graph useless in marking. I forgot to label one of the axis. Any other teacher wouldn’t have let me label it so thank God! I had her marking it but at the ends, she says “oh there’s one other thing, you have to write a few sentences. What’s your target grade? Quite high I imagine”. I said: “An A” and she said “Oh, well you’ve got an adequate grade” and wouldn’t even tell me what it was I needed to change. She said that she wasn’t allowed to show me my grade as it’s against exam boards regulations so adequate has lots of meanings. “adequate” could mean it’s a goodish grade if you want an A, so possibly a B. Or it could mean “adequate” as in you got a good mark but adequate isn’t an indication one way or another. *sighs* people like to wind me up.

I took a migraleve when I got home but it hasn’t got rid of my migraine. The dosage says take two but I find sometimes one works, might take another one in a minute.

Okay, random things from my day.

Firstly, I realised that on Monday I have to fill in my sixth form form so I can’t go to the sleep clinic (why does school only plan things a few days in advance). I can go to the sleep clinic anytime but I can’t fill this online form in. Not that the sleep clinic matters much anymore. We’ll get pills.

Secondly, I need a moment of teenage drama. I know, I can hear your ears sighing. But it negatively affects my mood.So that boy JLS was flirting with is now her boyfriend. How you can say you’re boyfriend and girlfriend after knowing eachother two weeks and dating for one day is beyond me. But hey, probably why I’m single. But people know she’s leaving me and as I say. I like being alone and see no reason to start an argument when there is no point. But what I can’t stand is JLS’ attitude that I should just drop everything for her. Just to ease her concious she says “I’ll hang around with you” – I’m not a pity party and you can’t abandon your friends and then go back and say “okay, leave the people you were hanging out with and come hang out with me”. Once this thing with this guy is over, she’ll inevitably come back to me and I’ll have to say “JLS, I’m sorry. But I can’t leave these friends now just because you’re done with your latest fad”. Even tonight she asks if I want to go town. She knows that I can’t deal with crowds when depressed, she knows I can’t have plans at such short notice because I need to mentally prepare myself in my head and plus, my dad will only trust a handful of people with me in case I get the urge to jump in front of a car. She was doing it to ease her own concious and get something to do on the weekend. But now I’ve tried texting her about something else, she ignores it.
I had an argument with her yesterday. I was upset, I’ll admit it. I had just finished self harming and crying my eyes out. When I calmed down I realized what I was saying was harsh.
It started with me asking “You with your boyfriend tomorrow?” to which she answered (please note these are directly quoted so sorry for the bad grammar): “Dunno :/ maybe depends if he wants to n if you wanna spend time with me or anythin xx” to which I say: “It’s not that I don’t want to. You’re happier with him” to which she says “Yeah I know,I’m happy with you to…I’m sure he’d understand if I said i’d hang out with you 🙂 up to you xx” to which I said “It’s not my decision. You, have to decide.” The argument spiraled from there. We did eventually make up an amicable truce. She decided to only hang with me when I’m manic and only talk to me in lessons and she calls us best friends. Laughable. She’s not and never has been my best friend. She says it and I avoid the issue. I know, I’m quite passive. The fact is knowing I’m being used depresses me but what depresses me more is that people know it. It’s not that my entire self image is hung up on what other people think but I’ve created this hostile personna to the outside world and only my friends know that I’m anything but and for people to see me as passive opens me up to the sort of attack I don’t want. The boys in my science classes that ‘bully’ SK leave me alone because they know I’ll be nice to them as long as they leave me alone and if they start on me. I’ll tell the teacher. I’ll be hostile. My self image isn’t tied up in being nice to them. But my protection is the fact that people think I’m hostile. I know, I shouldn’t let that continue. I should be the real me but this is college, not a fairy tale.

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4 thoughts on “Blips.

  1. I feel your migraines and mania are linked due to the high blood pressure that is often found in mania, also common or more common among the younger group.

    lol.. adequate to me means if you needed an a, you received one or better. If you needed an A and were given a b.. it is not adequate. so high fives you. 🙂

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