Some days, I can be at a constant 5 (which on my mood chart is most severe depression with 1 being the least, 0 being normal) and sometimes I can go from a 5 to a 3 in a matter of minutes. But it doesn’t ever switch to mania that fast.Today was one of those days.
I’ve found that for a few weeks now, I have NO motivation. Before, I had a little. But now I have none, my concentration is poorer. So I’ve been thinking… What’s changed? Well, I’m not AS sleep deprived anymore. I’ve been wondering whether sleep deprivation and all the wonderful fussiness that comes with it stopped the depression from interfering as much. So while I may have done half assed jobs of everything when sleep deprived, I did at least do it or try to. I sit in maths, science and I just can’t keep my mind on task and it doesn’t wander to meadows with green grass, peaceful and quiet. It wanders too. Hence why that chapter is also taking so long to write. I am usually faster at doing tasks. Under normal circumstances, the chapter would have been put out. But the fact is my mind can’t concentrate. It’s too depressed to work. It just looks at the work and says: “honey, I can’t. I can’t do this. It’s not important to either you or me at this present moment in time. So let me just remind you of all the bad things you’ve done, so you’ll feel worse and stop”.
Thank you, brain.
It’s an endless cycle sometimes. I need to do things to stop thinking, but then the thinking becomes more powerful and then I have to stop. So I undertake a lot of tasks I may not finish. But I plan to. The chapter is one it’s way. I still do the photoblog occassionally. I revise sometimes.
We (we as in my class) had a chemistry test today. I have been away for a lot of the topic but surprisingly there wasn’t much I missed on the test. I’m sure I didn’t do very well. But I feel bad in a way because I’ve been away a lot and even I know when you put pure lithium in water it produces light. SK didn’t even know that. She seemed to really struggle. But at least she did make me laugh by insulting Mr TD. He was wearing this suit, mismatched and she goes “did he get that from the children’s section?” Because he’s my height. I know, I know, that’s mean and I would never say it if he didn’t make me feel rubbish all the time. The boys in my science class also pick on SK, they say stuff like “[her name], babe” or “turn around so I can see the charge in your eyes” charge, protons… it was funny. I feel I should be more supportive of my friend, but they’re like vultures. You get involved and you’re the new prime target and what with my self esteem at rock bottom and my stress levels hitting critical levels, I tend to stay out of it. I feel bad because I know if the situation were reversed she get involved for me.
At break, I sat with SK and stuff and well. It wasn’t that eventful. In maths, I sat down and even had the maths work in front of me. Our teacher is bad though. He doesn’t teach. He writes a formula on the board, hands us some sheets and they he used to just sit at the front of the class and not help but since someone’s mum had a go at him on Parents Day, he just comes round and says things like “you doing work?” “you okay?” “what are you doing?” – no one, for the record is doing that much work because no one understands it and majority of people (me include) are doing it wrong and people have given up on asking because he doesn’t explain it properly anyway and acts like you’re stupid when you ask for help. If this wasn’t important for the future and qualifications. I wouldn’t care. But I need at least a B for most university courses I looked into and I’m capable of a B. If my brother gets him, I swear I will lose my mind because my brother is capable of an A in maths GCSE. He’s good at maths, I’m good at English. So now, JLS and I spend the lesson having to either go on her phone and look up maths methods or look like we’re working when we’re not. But I’m haven’t been in a social mood recently. I have nothing worth saying. JLS spends all her time with this new guy. Who I keep getting asked about. That’s what annoys me. I don’t want to talk to strange people about a friend who ditches me for a guy.
We then have health. SK asked if I was okay, she said we could swap places if I didn’t like the light. I don’t. Damn day light, blinding. JLS asks as well. But unless I start up a conversation (which in this current state of mind I’m unlikely to do) she won’t talk to me. I know in my blogs you see me go from hating these people to loving them. Low self esteem can do that to a person I guess.
Lunch, in Health I couldn’t work. just couldnt and so I sent my dad an email with the link to the article about bipolar disorder which I will write up tomorrow as I’m not at school. I spent some time with people but I couldn’t tolerate 5omins so I walked around listening to music. Ending up at RE.
My mood picked up to 4/3 after I received my test back A* 17/18 on my test. So in PE, I was doing well at badminton till NS and her friend came over and asked to play at which point I went over to AS and MU, sat on the floor and began talking.
I got in the car and I had some parcels, mainly Christmas presents for my family and then I got home and went straight to bed.
As for the melatonin 6mg dosage. Exactly the same. Slept three hours, had nightmare (terror) awoke. Still tired. So I lay down and I get very paranoid and every noise is someone coming to hurt me, I’ve slept with knives under my pillows before from this paranoia but I experience paranoia more in mixed episode and possibly mania than depression. So I was too scared to go to sleep.
Current mood: Depressed – 4.