Another upped dose

I get caught in a cycle a lot. JLS now spends every break and lunch with this boy who is like her boyfriend but isn’t. He tells people they’re going out but she think they should wait till after Christmas because she doesn’t want people thinking she’s a whore… *sighs* teenager drama. I’m not above it all. I am a teenager afterall. But her endless “problem” with boys annoys me when that’s all she ever talks about. Then she leaves me, to go with them. Hey, I’m not being moody over it. Just if I *was* her friend then she should really say “You know, I think I’d like to spend this lunch with you”. But that’s just a side story.

I get caught in this cycle of, JLS leaves me alone.
So I go to SL and AS group but I’d rather be alone.
But if they found out I spend my time alone they’d get angry.
I think a lot of them are already angry that I’ve only started coming over again since JLS started leaving me.
There’s a cycle hidden within there.

I need to go get some history and biology work. History is awkward because my dad thinks the teacher is my boyfriend. I’ll explain. I was off one day and on Tuesday, he began to speak to me as he stands (on a side of the road which is a different school, no teacher other than him does that) and my dad saw from the car. So SK, MU, AS all have this thing where they call your name to make that person look. I was went red, I would have done it with anyone I didn’t like. My history teacher scares and there is no reason for it, he only stares at me but it’s the way he stares at me and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know he does it but he picks on me a lot. Which makes me think he does. I can catch up with biology tomorrow, I could catch up pretty easily anyway because I won’t be at the career fair and science is the allocated time slot on which we go and then we have a test which I could do at home and het my dad to time me (though I think he’d probably give me a little extra time due to the amount of time I’ve had off and the fact I’m his daughter). So doing it at home is a preferrable choice.

I was in the library today and I was looking up universities because I was bored and had nothing better to do, I could and should have done  science (chemisty) revision but I forgot and I have a temperature quite a lot and I read somewhere there is a link between bipolar and temperature regulation. I plan to write a blog on bipolar disorder, the symptoms and things, so everyone understands it. I’ll do that in the near future.

As for moods? Depression is the main mood. I am pretty much at a 5 all day. Suicidal. I have to write my personal statement for subjects. Which is when you write about why you want to do that subject, we had taster sessions on Friday and knowing my luck, we’ll get the timetables for taster day on Thursday when I’m off school. Taster days are when they give you 4 subjects that you put on a sheet out of 6 to see whether you want to do it at A level. But it is hard for me to write this stuff. I feel suicidal and don’t see a future, how can I write about one?
But that’s in for tomorrow, so I have to write it.

When in the car, my dad received a call but it was private. He wasn’t going to answer it but I told him it could be my brothers school so he answered it – this is where the upped dose comes in – the CAMHS psychiatrist called and asked how 4mg were and I was then put on the phone to talk to him and he said up the dose to 6mg for a week and if the nightmares still continue, stop taking it. But we have an appointment for the 10th December with him as he felt we needed to see eachother again. We don’t.

Now I have to revise and write my subject statement but I might just watch a DVD and eat pixie dust instead.


13 thoughts on “Another upped dose

  1. Did you do you writings? I know it is hard to write about something when you may be feeling “what’s the point” …. but urges you to try anyway.

    You like to write … I can tell. You write blogs here. Perhaps the goals … or rather, the reason you write here is different … but in my head, when I see you write, I feel like its something you are okay with. You don’t hate the act of writing itself.

    Sooooo … does the bad bad katie thing and makes an assumption.

    1) I like writing. You like writing.

    2) I hate to write about things I find boring. You likely don’t like writing about things you think are boring.

    3) Its not that I don’t like writing about things of little value (because hey, I can write crap about a piece of lint when I am in the writing zone.) …. and I am guessing you are similiar.

    4) I find it hard to write when I feel likes, “what the point of even doing this.” Same as you.


    If we are similar in those things…maybe you are similar in this too then …

    When I don’t want to write but know I should….then I write. And the more I write, the more I don’t mind, even if it is pointless, as the act of writing makes me feel good. (Sometimes not the content … but I have learnt to recognize most times, that they are separate issues.)

    so I say ….try to make yourself write….see if it spurs you to write a little more. Besides….it’s school work and you have to get it done nod nods.

    And … hopes the dosage things does something better.

    • I do see the point in writing. I it does help.

      I don’t hate writing, I love writing. Well more typing now due to my hand hurting if I physically write with a pen too much.

      1) That is a very true and very awesome fact 🙂

      2) I don’t like writing about boring things; this is true.

      3) Hehe, I am very similar to that.

      4) That is true, to my blogs there is a point. To some of my class work, I feel like “why are we wasting our time on that?!”

      I do try, I just have little motivation and when we have to do the same thing for the 50th time, I get annoyed. But yes, I see your point.

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