Self harm.

I self harmed. Tonight.

Why do I self harm?

Because I’m suicidal, numb. I want some feeling again. I want to chase away the suicidal feelings. Contary to popular belief, self harming is not a sucidal act. In many people it is an act to avoid sucide. So that’s why I do it. I know many people can get addicted to self harm, I’m not. I don’t do it every night/day. I do it when I need it. Plus what with mania, the scabs heal by then and I think mania is the thing that stops me getting addicted because it’s takes a while to feel that bad again, feel like there is no hope.

Let’s turn this into a sciencey blog:

Self-injury remained very much a mystery until 1996 when Princess Diana revealed that she had struggled with it. It has become much more visible in society within the last ten years. Self-injury is also termed self-mutilation, self-harm, or self-abuse. It can be defined as the deliberate, repetitive, impulsive, non-lethal harming of one’s self, including but not limited to;

1) cutting

2) burning

3) picking or interfering with wound healing

4) infecting oneself

5) punching/hitting self or objects

6) inserting objects in to skin

7 )bruising or breaking bones and

8) some forms of hair pulling

Out of those, during my life I have: cut, punched/hitting self or objects, brusing and pulling out my hair. So I’ve battled with it on and off.

What makes people self-harm?

It usually happens when you feel very distressed. This can be caused by abuse, feeling depressed, feeling bad about yourself or relationship problems. You may do it because you feel:

  • not listened to
  • hopeless
  • isolated
  • alone
  • out of control
  • powerless.

You are more likely to self-harm if you were abused in childhood.

Self-harming can help you to feel in control and less tense. So, it can be a ‘quick fix’ for feeling bad.

While these behaviors pose serious risks, they may be symptoms of a problem that can be treated.

Experts estimate that 4% of the population struggle with self-injury. It has the same occurrence between males and females, even though in popular culture it can appear to be more prevalent among girls.

• Emptiness

• Inability to understand or express feelings

• Loneliness

• Fear

• Past Abuse

• Depression

Self-injury, like alcohol and drug abuse and eating disorders, is addictive, and thus not something that is easy to simply stop. However, while all addictions are very difficult to overcome, help and treatment are out there and available, and recovery and freedom are possible.We believe this is true whether someone’s struggles may be self injury, depression, drugs and alcohol, body image issues, sexual addiction, or other areas of brokenness.

To round off, I have a lot of these problems. That’s why I self harm, though there are organisations that help. My preference being: To Write Love On Her Arm (

I’ve bought some wristbands from there one saying: “Dreams VS Fears” and the other “To Write Love on Her Arm”, as well as a tshirt which says “At Least We Live Tonight” and TWLOHA are supported by bands such as Paramore, Satallite etc.

A lot of you may have read this blog and have seen as one of the many themes, an addictive personality. I’ve had kletptomania which is where you’re addicted to stealing (which I’ve overcome and managed to return majority of items that I never used anyway because I wasn’t really interested in), addicted to online shopping (also stopped now). So it’s only natural you think that I could become addicted to self harm. But mania stops that addiction. Mania just stops it.

I know the question will come up as to whether I want to stop.

It’s a pretty obvious answer. I do but if this keeps me alive. Then I’m going to keep doing it. Till I no longer feel like I want to die.



8 thoughts on “Self harm.

  1. I have bpd… but i also have some sensory integration problems so a lot of the time i actually feel numb… especially my fingers. it almost feels like they actually aren’t even there… so one thing i do (I learned in dbt) instead of cutting (which i also did for additional reasons) i roll tinfoil or paper into a sharp point so i feel the sharp edge. it works well enough anyway. i’ve been “clean” for 7 years. it’s a daily struggle.. and it freaks my fiance out to talk about it… so i don’t talk about it at all…
    anyway i ramble too much. 🙂 thank you for posting this. it makes me feel better… like someone gets me. cuz he sure doesnt. 🙂 be safe ok?

    • I have problems with just my finger tips but I can’t imagine my whole fingers. That must be awful. Is there anything anyone can do about it?

      I’m glad you found a method that works, as I become a little more stable I might try this method. Yes, people do freak out about self harm more than anything else. I can tell a lot of people about mental illness and they’re nice about it but the minute some of my friends thought I self harmed, they freaked out and just turned mean. I convinced them it wasn’t self harm, just weeds. But, it was interesting to see how people freak out. Congratulations on staying clean and on the fiancé as well.

      You don’t ramble, I found your comment very interesting 🙂
      I do get you and you are very welcome, I’m glad this helped you.
      I promise I will try my hardest to keep myself safe.

  2. to both of you. Most people haven’t heard of self harm, have no idea of it at all, but you know that.

    So when faced with it, there is shock, a total lack of understanding. To grasp it, they have to understand where you are. By that I mean the state that has little description as it is so foggy… the desperation.

    It is easy to be mean, shocked, even cry. It is hard to hug and support. To understand.

    It scares them. it should though, but it should scare them into understanding.

    My experience is, and correct me if wrong please, it is also a loneliness, partially because you are not understood, and in a fashion, you are alone.. the lack of support. Oversimplifying… a lack of hugs. Yes, to retain a grip on reality too, but if there was someone there, holding your hand with total understanding… and love, even at three in the morning… would the need be as strong? Would resisting be easier? could that keep your grip on reality? even if you just cried together, yelled at the world together? but did it together.

    no quick answers, think about it.

    Munchkin I like the foil idea. I haven’t heard that before.

    • It’s not loneliness. It’s hard to understand if you’ve never been in this postition.

      It’s not a lack of hugs.
      I’ve been lonely my entire life and some people deal with it and some people don’t.
      Having someone there helps some people but not others. But it defintely not going to help keep a grip. Your grip is lost because you’re mentally ill not because you’re lonely. Loneliness isn’t it for me. If I didn’t, I would let the suicide feelings take over me and just end it. I lose my grip.
      But like I said it’s not a thing you can comment on if you’ve never been in that situation because most science and ‘clear cut’ answers on it are wrong.

      Well like I said, I’m not doing the foil idea till stable.

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