Day N Nite…

I’m sorry, the title to this blog is a pop song from 2009/10. I just couldn’t resist.

So, chronologically (and unlogically) let’s start with night times.
My melatonin schedule has adjusted that I take melatonin between 10:30 and 11:30pm. Last night I took it at 11:27pm, why do I remember those numbers? Because I was texting JLS about clothes. A story for later in the blog.
As accustomed, I had a nightmare. If a sentence (or two) in in brackets like this [ ] then it means this happened in real life at an earlier date:
It started as my dad and I (never my brother oddly) on the street where he picked us up after my mother threw me and my brother out. We walked up near this charity shop [that we used to go in and whilst my mother would converse, my brother and I would look at toys] and my dad and I were just next to eachother near the clothes and we see my mother, she comes over and begins to talk to us. But I can’t leave the shop and suddenly my dad has disappeared, so I’m freaking out in both the dream [and probably real life]. I manage to push past her and escape and I end up with my dad in the hairdresses across the street [I’d only been to this hair dresses twice in my entire life but the detail was quite accurate] and the cut my hair, first the levelled it but then I asked them to cut off several centimetres off. Then suddenly we were out of the hairdresses and on the street outside, apparently even my dreams are too lazy to make the people walk in them. Mother was there again, just yelling at me and my dad had gone again.

I then woke up. Covered in sweat, panicked, anxious and just really alarmed. I looked at my phone hoping to see 5am blaring back at me, meaning I had enough time to calm down and enough time to rest before getting up but it was long enough to say I had good sleep. 2:26am was blaring back. I was utterly gutted. I lay in bed, realising how long I had left. I began to listen to music, hoping that the music would make me sleep. It didn’t. I then began to revise RE work because I had an RE test the next day.

As for my nightmares, I get the flashback of my SA, I get the mother and I even get school. But it brings in things that don’t need to be brought in. So the 24th November, I had a nightmare about a hurricane. The wind was strong and maybe subconciously I was a little scared, but now I’m terrified of strong winds. I’ve been wanting a hair cut for the longest time because i need to get it levelled as I never did after manic cutting. Friday night/Saturday I was worried about school and what they’d say and I had a nightmare about school. I think it’s really picking into my fears and subconcious feelings and I think that’s horrible. Subconcious memories, feelings, fears, you know they’re there. Sometimes you’ll just have a slight reflex, sometimes it’s a subconcious movement. For me, I only realized recently, I cross my legs when I sit down (this is for a different incident to the SA, where a school child, a boy in my class thought it funny to grab down below on me, whilst I was sitting at a table in class).

Yes, it was a terrible night.

School. I was depressed. I was quite “anti-social”, bit moody.
One of the places where which mood I am is terribly obvious in PE. When depressed, I’ll rarely smile, hardly move, curse a lot and not talk. When manic, I will smile and laugh, joke, talk very fast (and very loud). I was very suicidal and I have been all day. In health (last lesson) we were talking about careers day and how all these universities were going to be there and job places and I’m sitting there thinking: “How can I plan my future, when I’m not even sure I want one.”
Given the choice in my future, I would choose to be left alone in bed but no one gets paid for that. It’s not a viable career option.

At lunch I help ND lo0k for her purse. ND is the nicest person I know. She genuinely care and is sweet. She lost her purse in PE and we spent all lunch time looking for it and then in Health, a teacher came in and handed it to her. She had £10 which was her money for lunch for all week and some cards including her smart cards. Some person has stolen both her £10 and her smart card (which has her money on for food) so now not only will she not have money for the week but has to spend £5 buying another smartcard. I think some people are unusually mean. I understand why a person would steal £10 but a smartcard? That has someone picture and name on it? Really too cruel. I know this person didn’t know ND so they don’t know how nice she is but still? Where is common human decency in some people?
I’ve admitted to the fact I was a kleptomanic and yes, I did steal items off of people. But only pencils, pens, things people lose easily. Not money or cards.

The problem I have with migraine is, they make me sensitive to sound so if a lot of people are talking at once and I sometimes have a split second where my mind can’t differentiate between hallucination and real voices and even that split seconds said anxiety levels sky high.

As for the clothes, on Saturday my dad was washing the clothes and he had left it on 90 degrees instead of 30-35 degrees and we though he had shrunk all the clothes and so I text JLS telling her and she said she had some old clothes that would fit me. She text me asking if I wanted them the night before, I said I did. She bought them to school and I put them in my car. When I got home and tried them on, a lot didn’t fit me. Now I’m a size 10-12 in UK sizes, I most get size 12 as I like loose fitting clothing. She gave me some clothes that were 10, 12 and 14 UK size and some of the 10, 12 and 14 didnt fit so this shoots down any remaining confidence I had. I know that because the were made in a foregin country the sizes aren’t right but still. Really shoots a girls confidence. Though I did get this nice blouse to wear to interviews, a nice dress and two tops. A purple ( 😉 ) distressed look one and one that says ROCK N ROLL. So They were nice. I’ll probably give the rest to charity.

My depression level now is 5. I’m going to lie in bed when I’ve finished writing this. My mood diary is updated, just have to update my sleep diary but I’ll use my blogs to help with that.

How was your day?


41 thoughts on “Day N Nite…

  1. kk am pressed for time now, but will be back. so starts with hugs and smiles. You have some good friends Munchkin. I mean, purple, woo hoo. 😉

    the dreams have a theme. we can chat about that more.

    migraines are the worst. I hate them. I did a post about them a few months back, a few probably. the last one I think was when light hurts.

    kk I have to dash for a bit, but will be back.

    the Melatonin is constant at three hours it seems.

    *hugs lots*

    • Well, yeah. The theme being they pick on subconcious things.
      Okay, talk to you late.
      Yeah, I know about migraines. Not only did I read your blog, but I also have them often 😛
      The melatonin is constant and still useless.

      • Were you getting three hours of sleep before? The idea with the Melatonin is to restore regiment to your sleep. To gradually get a bit more, it does take some time. But as we keep saying, the nightmares and terrors are probably what keeps you from sleeping in the first place to some extent.

        subconscious yes, but all seem to me to be related to your unhappy events with your Mother.

        I have them a lot as well. *hugs*

        • Before when?
          Before insomnia I would get between 10-2hours, depending on the amount of homework and the day of the week.
          With insomnia, before my body sorted a good pattern, average 2 hours, then having nights in between with no sleep.
          3 hours or more and I’d have a nightmare.
          When my body sorted out a good sleep pattern with insomnia, 2 hours every night.

          Well, I suppose a lot of them are. But the wind isn’t, the hurricane thing and school. They’re not related.

          You have nightmares or migraines a lot?

  2. migraines I have a lot.

    hmm, so with insomnia you had a nightmare after three hours and would wake, but were not getting three hours of sleep, so the Melatonin is giving you three hours now, still the nightmare, but you were having those without too.

    • I have one now, blasted things.

      Okay, that sentence confused me. (can’t think straight with a migraine)
      With insomnia I’d have a nightmare after three hours but majority of the time I wouldn’t get 3 hours or more sleep because my body wouldn’t let me stay asleep.
      The melatonin is giving me three hours with a nightmare and yes, I was having nightmares at three hours without the melatonin 😛

  3. I found advil works well the first day, after that nothing works. And it doesn’t always work the first day. Sleep sometimes, but that is cruel for you. Can you nap during the day for a short period without a nightmare? or can you nap at all?

    ok, you got it right. yay. 😉

    So the Melatonin is working, you are getting three hours of sleep. Not a lot, but at least 50% more than before.

    next, did you notice any change at all with the stronger dosage?

  4. nods, I am suggesting something.

    kk, after three hours or so you are going to wake up anyway.

    normally if a parent wakes their child about 15 minutes before it occurs.. it can be skipped, I was thinking of setting your dusty not used alarm clock for 15 minutes before the three hours is up or more if your terror lasts longer.. you shut it off, roll over and go back to sleep.

    I have more thoughts too, am waiting for you to say no to this one. *grins* it may work though munchkin.

  5. Has read though the blog post …and the comments.

    It was confusing at first…but following now. I will not make a suggestion because i am out of my comfort zone on what I know.

    But I do find it an interesting potential solution to try …waking before the night terrors start … then sleep again. But, if sleep cannot be had after waking …. or if the waking cannot happen in time …

    Feck, i am going to ask about my suggestion anyway, so I can learn some. (Hopes you two do not mind)…

    To wake up: I suspect just saying, “try a louder alram” will not be useful as I am guessing you have already tried that. But what about … rigging up a lamp to blink when the time come about (i.e., buy a cheap timer for a lamp) … maybe along with the alarm it would be enough to wake?

    To go back to sleep: Is a sleeping aid not a good idea in this instance? I do not know the history … so knows I am likely saying something you’ve both thought of….

    And finally…. if tis not too personal myobviouslittlesecret (by the way, how best to address you?) … what does SA and RE?

    • Ah, that’s true. If out your comfort zone, it’s always best not to suggest. But if you have anything on your mind, you can say it.

      Well, it a problem. I don’t wake to an alarm and if I do I wont sleep. So it’s hard to do.

      My alarm is really loud (it woke my dad and brother up in the process who are in different rooms). Playing with electricity? That doesn’t sound safe *gasps*

      What’s a sleeping aid?

      Well SA is sexual assualt and RE is religious education. But JLS, SK, ND are all nicknames for people. You can call me what you wish, some people just call me obviouslittlesecret, some Purple Munckin (well only one, *looks in Amber’s direction*), some OLS (short for obviouslittlesecret) and some call me Weather. Though I’m not adverse to giving my real name, just not in the comments.

  6. Ahhh on the abbreviations … nods…

    As for what to address you as …think Purple Munchkin belongs to you and Amber … maybe. Sometimes I may call you that…sometimes obviouslittlesecret then.

    As for the light thing I was talking about … did not mean to fuss with the electrical! Ack! lol. I meant more, to buy one of those inexpensive type timers that people use to turn their lights off and on when they go on vacation. Maybe that would wake you. Not sure.

    Sleep aid … something I do not like myself … but knows some takes them…sleep pills I mean. But thinks they might also make you feel funny …and in any case would have to be coordinated with your doctor nod nods.

    Ok … I will try to write more when I wake in the morn. You have a good day ok…try to anyway. Huggss

    • One abbreviation is because I hate thinking about it and the other just out if habit.

      Or you could make up your own nickname *smiles*

      I’ve never seen them, will look into it. But I’m pretty used to sleeping in the light so it may not work on me.

      I’ve had diazepam also known as Valium, I was on 6mg when I had to stop for melatonin.

      Well, thank you. I love having comments to read when I wake up or get home 🙂 *hugs*

  7. *smiles* … getting comments can be fun at times…reading …making friends nod nods.

    As or nickname…hmm….for now I will use myobviouslittlesecret….though as we continue to learn more about one another…I am sure something will emerge *smiles*

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