I’m sorry, the title to this blog is a pop song from 2009/10. I just couldn’t resist.
So, chronologically (and unlogically) let’s start with night times.
My melatonin schedule has adjusted that I take melatonin between 10:30 and 11:30pm. Last night I took it at 11:27pm, why do I remember those numbers? Because I was texting JLS about clothes. A story for later in the blog.
As accustomed, I had a nightmare. If a sentence (or two) in in brackets like this [ ] then it means this happened in real life at an earlier date:
It started as my dad and I (never my brother oddly) on the street where he picked us up after my mother threw me and my brother out. We walked up near this charity shop [that we used to go in and whilst my mother would converse, my brother and I would look at toys] and my dad and I were just next to eachother near the clothes and we see my mother, she comes over and begins to talk to us. But I can’t leave the shop and suddenly my dad has disappeared, so I’m freaking out in both the dream [and probably real life]. I manage to push past her and escape and I end up with my dad in the hairdresses across the street [I’d only been to this hair dresses twice in my entire life but the detail was quite accurate] and the cut my hair, first the levelled it but then I asked them to cut off several centimetres off. Then suddenly we were out of the hairdresses and on the street outside, apparently even my dreams are too lazy to make the people walk in them. Mother was there again, just yelling at me and my dad had gone again.
I then woke up. Covered in sweat, panicked, anxious and just really alarmed. I looked at my phone hoping to see 5am blaring back at me, meaning I had enough time to calm down and enough time to rest before getting up but it was long enough to say I had good sleep. 2:26am was blaring back. I was utterly gutted. I lay in bed, realising how long I had left. I began to listen to music, hoping that the music would make me sleep. It didn’t. I then began to revise RE work because I had an RE test the next day.
As for my nightmares, I get the flashback of my SA, I get the mother and I even get school. But it brings in things that don’t need to be brought in. So the 24th November, I had a nightmare about a hurricane. The wind was strong and maybe subconciously I was a little scared, but now I’m terrified of strong winds. I’ve been wanting a hair cut for the longest time because i need to get it levelled as I never did after manic cutting. Friday night/Saturday I was worried about school and what they’d say and I had a nightmare about school. I think it’s really picking into my fears and subconcious feelings and I think that’s horrible. Subconcious memories, feelings, fears, you know they’re there. Sometimes you’ll just have a slight reflex, sometimes it’s a subconcious movement. For me, I only realized recently, I cross my legs when I sit down (this is for a different incident to the SA, where a school child, a boy in my class thought it funny to grab down below on me, whilst I was sitting at a table in class).
Yes, it was a terrible night.
School. I was depressed. I was quite “anti-social”, bit moody.
One of the places where which mood I am is terribly obvious in PE. When depressed, I’ll rarely smile, hardly move, curse a lot and not talk. When manic, I will smile and laugh, joke, talk very fast (and very loud). I was very suicidal and I have been all day. In health (last lesson) we were talking about careers day and how all these universities were going to be there and job places and I’m sitting there thinking: “How can I plan my future, when I’m not even sure I want one.”
Given the choice in my future, I would choose to be left alone in bed but no one gets paid for that. It’s not a viable career option.
At lunch I help ND lo0k for her purse. ND is the nicest person I know. She genuinely care and is sweet. She lost her purse in PE and we spent all lunch time looking for it and then in Health, a teacher came in and handed it to her. She had £10 which was her money for lunch for all week and some cards including her smart cards. Some person has stolen both her £10 and her smart card (which has her money on for food) so now not only will she not have money for the week but has to spend £5 buying another smartcard. I think some people are unusually mean. I understand why a person would steal £10 but a smartcard? That has someone picture and name on it? Really too cruel. I know this person didn’t know ND so they don’t know how nice she is but still? Where is common human decency in some people?
I’ve admitted to the fact I was a kleptomanic and yes, I did steal items off of people. But only pencils, pens, things people lose easily. Not money or cards.
The problem I have with migraine is, they make me sensitive to sound so if a lot of people are talking at once and I sometimes have a split second where my mind can’t differentiate between hallucination and real voices and even that split seconds said anxiety levels sky high.
As for the clothes, on Saturday my dad was washing the clothes and he had left it on 90 degrees instead of 30-35 degrees and we though he had shrunk all the clothes and so I text JLS telling her and she said she had some old clothes that would fit me. She text me asking if I wanted them the night before, I said I did. She bought them to school and I put them in my car. When I got home and tried them on, a lot didn’t fit me. Now I’m a size 10-12 in UK sizes, I most get size 12 as I like loose fitting clothing. She gave me some clothes that were 10, 12 and 14 UK size and some of the 10, 12 and 14 didnt fit so this shoots down any remaining confidence I had. I know that because the were made in a foregin country the sizes aren’t right but still. Really shoots a girls confidence. Though I did get this nice blouse to wear to interviews, a nice dress and two tops. A purple ( 😉 ) distressed look one and one that says ROCK N ROLL. So They were nice. I’ll probably give the rest to charity.
My depression level now is 5. I’m going to lie in bed when I’ve finished writing this. My mood diary is updated, just have to update my sleep diary but I’ll use my blogs to help with that.
How was your day?