Lack of motivation, anxiety and people.

Depression (and depressive periods) bring about a lack of motivation. Lack of motivation to go to school, go to work, do work at home, watch TV and even wash.

I’m not going to lie, when I’m in my depressed period I only shower once a week. That’s usually because I’m forced. Yes, it is unsanitary and ‘gross’ but when you don’t even have the motivation to get out of bed and constantly think of killing yourself, showering becomes a back thought. All energy goes to keeping yourself alive. That and doing work. Work at a place of employment or school. Why? Because as much as we might think we want to die, we don’t REALLY want to. But whether it’s because we’ve accepted we do have a future or just to avoid the anxiety (which’ll make us feel more suicidal) of being yelled at, we muster up the energy to do it. I think that’s braver and better than fighting a tiger or a lion.
Lack of motivation is a horrible thing, it burys deep within you. Stops you from leaving your house, your bed. It’s awful.

Sometimes the anxiety of leaving is worse. I have it. I get so anxious about going to school. Leaving the comfortable confines of my bed, to a world full of people who really just get me down. My anxiety flares when talking to people I don’t know, being in a crowd, talking to people in authority, talking to males – a lot of things gets it going. But people seem to be the big one for me. A lot of people think I’m this man-hating feminist. I am a feminist in the sense of I want equality for all. I don’t hate guys, I supposed I’m just scared of them. I can’t talk to them because of that. Which is why SK is the sort of person which is good for me because she doesn’t think much of the XY chromosone.

People don’t understand my problem, as much as they pretend to. JLS, supposedly my best friend (I say supposedly because of the relationship we have, not because she doesn’t understand) doesn’t understand and neither does my dad but least they don’t pretend to. I wish they would say “Sorry, I really don’t know what to say”, rather than completely changing the subject. But I know human nature is people would rather look ignorant than admit they don’t know something. But when I get mad at them, they say to me they dont know. I prefer that than the people who pretend to know. The people who say: “you’re doing so much better, I have seen you in a while” – one of the medical room staff, but thats only because the diazepam was treating my panic attacks not for any other reason. Plus this WASN’T a panic attack, it was completely different. Teachers say they understand and know, but they don’t. A lot of people hate my physics teacher. I like him. He doesn’t mess you about. He’s straight to the point. If he think you’re an idiot, he’ll damn well tell you so. Honesty, even negative honesty, I appreciate. Too many people lie to me, lie of omission or to protect me. But it gets annoying. This is one of the reasons why I feel so isolated because not only does my dad and JLS not understand, they don’t even try and educate themselves. The medical staff, the teachers. They at first were really “supportive” but now they treat me worse than they did when I was “normal”. They were at first “understanding” but now they’re not and that is why my anxiety levels go higher at school now. My dad doesn’t get that and when I tell him he always says: do you want me to go into school? Well, no. I don’t. That’ll heighten my paranoia around teachers plus I think they’re doing subconsiously anyway, so confronting them doesn’t help anyone.

After the crazy episode on Friday, I don’t want to. But I don’t have a lot of choice, I have to face my fears after all…


10 thoughts on “Lack of motivation, anxiety and people.

  1. You hit upon a few things, The draining power of Depression and how anxiety can be so powerful.

    tis true that most people will never understand either one, even if reading about it or living with someone going through it.

    • Exactly. But I think some people try to understand (research, empathize, sympathize, listen, ask questions) whilst others aren’t too bothered.

      Depression and anxiety is draining. Too draining when you need to live a productive life.

      • that is true. well to both things. People that are happy look and are curious. They see depression, have been depressed, but only a tiny bit… to understand deep depression is another thing. They just can’t, they have been what they think is depressed, shaken it and don’t understand why someone else doesn’t just do the same thing.

        and yes depression is draining, I am going to blog about that soon, its vicious circle. I have touched on it a few times, but not dealt with it specifically.

        oh and you have met Katie. She is very nice, you will like her. 🙂

        • That’s true and it’s unfortuante and obviously annoying. I’ve come across a girl like that in my time. Over the summer she was very dependant and very depressed (but wouldn’t get help, which I understood) and she’d constantly email me and some other friends. Then when she went back to school, she’d seemingly recovered from her depression and me and the friend she also talked to was still deeply depressed (I was in a depressed period in this time) and she started ignoring us and basically said that we should be able to pull ourselves out of it and stopped talking to us but she’s recently become depressed again and got back into contact. But I still don’t think she fully understands what it’s like.

          Aw, well email me when you write that blog. For I would love to read it.

          Yes, Katie seems very lovely 🙂 I’m sure I will like her a lot.

        • it is an interesting thing … how people try to understand … or not. I can normally tell when someone is “truly” depressed. Though I use the words “truly depressed” lightly here, as I know I am not an expert at detecting nor diagnosing.

          What I mean is … you can see yourself in people … who are there … or have been there. I hate hate hate saying to someone, if you’ve never had to deal with depression then you wouldn’t understand. For me … it’s sort of like I’m dismissing their care and concern … though at times I feel like that inside … like they don’t and will never understand. But I try to tell myself I am being unfair to them (even as I sometimes dismiss them or ignore them).

          I think part of me feels, if I tell them they can’t understand, then why should they even try? It’s a fine line though … leaning on someone for help … and over reaching and pushing them away.

          I think that is why people who are going though these types of illness … or have been, tend to lean on one another …. we KNOW to turn away from someone how needs help can be devastating.

          Anyway … those are just thoughts in my head … thoughts today anyway. There are some days I get frustrated like mad with people and I just want them to leave me alone. But … I try to tell myself … they are trying to be nice … so I try back.

          And by the way…. thank you both … for thinking I am nice…*smiles*. And thank you for letting me stop by and gab a bit on the blog *hugs hugs*

          • It is interesting and yes I understand how you (or any person) could detect it, usually the detection is right but we’re not experts so it’s important we don’t diagnose them ourselves 🙂

            I also hate saying that people dont understand but there’s a fine line between caring and understanding. A lot of people care but only few understand and as much as you (and I) feel we’re being unfair, it’s difficult to be fair to people like that but sometimes it’s better just to ignore them. Rather than rise to them.

            That’s true, I mean why should they? But then that’s where understanding comes in. If they understood they’d understand why we would push them away but we need them so it’s difficult to risk saying how they feel.

            It can be but if we’re leaning the ‘wrong’ way then it’ll be more helpful for everyone involved to step back and stay away and let someone else deal with it. It may not be the most humanitarian choice but sometimes it’s the better one.

            Hehe, very long thought but I like long complete thoughts. So please continue with them 🙂
            That’s exactly what I’m like, I try my hardest to be nice when they think they’re helping; bite my tongue a lot. But it does make me mad too…

            Well you are nice *smiles* and you are very welcome please come back and gab again 🙂


            • *smiles that you used the word ‘gab’* … its interesting how when we start to talk to others and start becoming friends….how we start to take on each other’s words. I will take a look back at this when I get home from work later today. You try to have a good day.

              • Hehe, I like odd words 🙂
                It is interesting how we become friends and form relationships. I think people are more likely to become friends over hardships. You have a good day too, I’ll try and have another blog up for you to read 🙂

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