Depression (and depressive periods) bring about a lack of motivation. Lack of motivation to go to school, go to work, do work at home, watch TV and even wash.
I’m not going to lie, when I’m in my depressed period I only shower once a week. That’s usually because I’m forced. Yes, it is unsanitary and ‘gross’ but when you don’t even have the motivation to get out of bed and constantly think of killing yourself, showering becomes a back thought. All energy goes to keeping yourself alive. That and doing work. Work at a place of employment or school. Why? Because as much as we might think we want to die, we don’t REALLY want to. But whether it’s because we’ve accepted we do have a future or just to avoid the anxiety (which’ll make us feel more suicidal) of being yelled at, we muster up the energy to do it. I think that’s braver and better than fighting a tiger or a lion.
Lack of motivation is a horrible thing, it burys deep within you. Stops you from leaving your house, your bed. It’s awful.
Sometimes the anxiety of leaving is worse. I have it. I get so anxious about going to school. Leaving the comfortable confines of my bed, to a world full of people who really just get me down. My anxiety flares when talking to people I don’t know, being in a crowd, talking to people in authority, talking to males – a lot of things gets it going. But people seem to be the big one for me. A lot of people think I’m this man-hating feminist. I am a feminist in the sense of I want equality for all. I don’t hate guys, I supposed I’m just scared of them. I can’t talk to them because of that. Which is why SK is the sort of person which is good for me because she doesn’t think much of the XY chromosone.
People don’t understand my problem, as much as they pretend to. JLS, supposedly my best friend (I say supposedly because of the relationship we have, not because she doesn’t understand) doesn’t understand and neither does my dad but least they don’t pretend to. I wish they would say “Sorry, I really don’t know what to say”, rather than completely changing the subject. But I know human nature is people would rather look ignorant than admit they don’t know something. But when I get mad at them, they say to me they dont know. I prefer that than the people who pretend to know. The people who say: “you’re doing so much better, I have seen you in a while” – one of the medical room staff, but thats only because the diazepam was treating my panic attacks not for any other reason. Plus this WASN’T a panic attack, it was completely different. Teachers say they understand and know, but they don’t. A lot of people hate my physics teacher. I like him. He doesn’t mess you about. He’s straight to the point. If he think you’re an idiot, he’ll damn well tell you so. Honesty, even negative honesty, I appreciate. Too many people lie to me, lie of omission or to protect me. But it gets annoying. This is one of the reasons why I feel so isolated because not only does my dad and JLS not understand, they don’t even try and educate themselves. The medical staff, the teachers. They at first were really “supportive” but now they treat me worse than they did when I was “normal”. They were at first “understanding” but now they’re not and that is why my anxiety levels go higher at school now. My dad doesn’t get that and when I tell him he always says: do you want me to go into school? Well, no. I don’t. That’ll heighten my paranoia around teachers plus I think they’re doing subconsiously anyway, so confronting them doesn’t help anyone.
After the crazy episode on Friday, I don’t want to. But I don’t have a lot of choice, I have to face my fears after all…