- It only took me about 10minutes to fall asleep after taking it.
- Only slept for literally an 1 hour.
- REALLY vivid nigthmare.
- Nightmare has started “fight or flight” system and adrenaline won’t let me sleep now.
- Little nausea.
So I think majority of points are pretty self explanatory but let me run through the last 4 hours.
I had something to do and since I’m trying to set my sleep pattern for me to sleep between 10:30pm and 11:30pm, I figured it’d be okay as long as I was inside that time zone and I was. But just before lying down I texted my friend. So the time I lay down is time stamped at 23:27 and I had take the melatonin about 2mins before that. I mean it did literally only take me 10minutes, probably a little less than that. I feel asleep and had a nightmare. So my nightmare was very vivid, I remember it well. Now a description is coming up:
So I was with my dad and he was sitting in his room with the lights off but the window facing towards the house was open and I didn’t like it. I don’t like the dark anymore (I should probably point out at this point it was night time) and I asked him whether I could turn the lights on and he said I couldn’t. I became very stressed in the dream and it’s like my body actually felt that. Like my live body. Not just the dream one. I sort of remember crying and begging and he let me but he said the one away from the window he was at not the one closest. So I did. Anyway, there’s a window adjacent to that one in our house and it’s massive long ways and my dad opened the curtains to both windows and made me sit and watch it and it was REALLY beautiful the sky was full of stars, like tiny diamonds, they shone really brightly and it was a full moon. In any other context, I would consider that to be one of the most beautiful sights of my life. Anyway, it like flashes forward to day time and it is REALLY windy. My dad needs to drive to the end of the lane and so we drive but as we drive the wind begins to blow really hard on the car and I ask my dad “is this a hurricane?” to which he replies “Not here, there’s going to be one in the south.” but the wind gets harder and my dad says: “We’d better batton down the hatches” something that he has said whilst windy many times before. So we’re still driving and my dad and I are lifted up and the wind is blowing us about, blowing up our tops…
Then I woke up..
I was panicked, on the verge of hyperventalliting, really upset and stressed and I looked at the clock hoping it would say something like 3am, 4am. It said 12:26am. I am not even joking. One. Fucking. Hour. Excuse the language. So I know my dad’s not going to be “with it enough” to help but I need to make sure he’s okay. So I go to him and he’s sleep talking and he’s not waking because I know he’s drunk. But after rolling him (with ease), he wakes-ish and asks what I’m doing, I tell him I had a nightmare and I needed to stay with him for a while. So I told him what my nightmare was about but I doubt he fully took it in. He then says he needs the toliet and goes to the bathroom and I know this from my many nights of insomnia that after drinking alcohol, he’ll sleep and then wake up, go to the bathroom and then go to the fridge, have a drink. But there is the large curtain that seperates these two rooms and as he was walking through it, he said “Wooo, curtain” – never in his life has he ever been excited by a curtain. So yes, drunk. He gets back into bed. I start to talk to him about it but he’s not listening or taking it seriously, so I lie there in silence and then decide that I’d much rather go to my room and blog about what happened and talk to people who actually care enough to listen than to lie with my own father knowing he’s too drunk to offer any comfort. Before I left I made him promise that if a hurricane ever came to England
I come into my room, my computer is off. As I left my room, I’d obviously pulled out a wire and because the battery is broken, it just went off. I sat down and was cold and then I saw a spider on my wall. I haven’t seen one in months and tonight of all nights, one comes out. So I’m about to kill it/get rid of it and it goes into a crevice and then walks behind my poster and now I’m too scared to look for it.
I know the nightmare wasn’t that scary compared to others I’ve had. But the others, there was this sort of disconnection. I didn’t feel everything the me in the dream felt, it wasn’t intense, well it was but not like this. Or maybe I just need to redefine my definition of intense after tonight. It was like I was actually there. That is what made is scary. That is what always makes it scary, the fact I feel I’m living these dreams. I don’t even realise it’s a dream. It feels so real. It’s really too scary to handle.
When I tell people. They think they understand them. Everyone’s had nightmares. I’m not saying they’re not scary. But from what I know, no one has them on a continuous and vivid basis. So I can’t really talk to anyone about them.
So, what am I to do now?
I could sleep. But I really don’t want to. It’s 2:18am now and I just feel like I’m unraveling. I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I have I could and need to do but I don’t feel like doing it. I’m too wound up. I think I may journal. But that’s it. I feel, I really do feel like I need to be put into hospital. I’m just really desperate and it’s not just suicidal thoughts anymore. it’s a whole host of things.